(no subject)
I don't belong in the matters of the heart...it's too sentimental.
I played the conversation over and over again in my head. I knew what I was going to say. I had it all worked out. I thought about it all day. Through every class, I muttered the words under my breath. As I was walking home from school, I whispered the words to myself. As I was working out, I panted the simple statement and explanation through my exhausted sweat stained lips.
I don't want to be with you anymore because I love you more than you love me.
Then, all I would have to do was hang up the phone. It would be over. I would push another man clear out of my life. And I wouldn't have to deal with being hurt or rejected ever again. As you probably have guessed, it didn't come to pass as I had predicted. My mood did turn from hurt over to anger somewhere in between dinner and "American Idol" where I was growing unfathomably furious over the fact that he still had not called me that day, nor could I get a hold of him. My anger seeped from my pores in tears until he finally did call me. And still, I can the conversation over in my head.
Hi...Did you put money into my account today? (He, of course, had not) Ok...well...I don't want you to say anything- so please don't talk until I am done. Jon, I have done everything for you. When you were away in Arizona, I woke up every morning to go fax your papers that I made up for you on the computer, and paid for them myself. I didn't have to do it, but I did because I love you. I never asked you for anything for that. I have also let both your best friends stay here with me and paid for some food for them. Did I ask for anything in return? No...because I love you and I thought you cared about me the exact same way. I have bought you food, presents, loved you, and given you everything that a guy could ask for- did I ask for anything for myself? I did not. I hardly ever ask you for anything if I ever do. But, you told me that you were going to put money in my account to help me with bills this month- you told me you would do it today...and you didn't. I believed in you. It was the one time I would ask you for anything, and you totally disregarded me. It is obvious that you mean more to me than I do to you. I am sorry, I can't do this anymore...goodbye Jon.
It was supposed to be like that. And yet, when he called, he said he would do it tomorrow and I no longer had the fight in me. I know I am pushing him away. I realize this. Why do I always do it? I have a fear of depending on other people. I have tried to overcome these feelings in the past. I doubt it will happen. I don't have the hope for that anymore. I have tried too hard before. It's gone. But, how will I be able to live with being that type of person? And therein lies the challenge.