Everything and Anything
The tears have stopped falling. They stopped around seven in the morning. Anger took its place. Anger and frustration. I guess there was a feeling of self-hatred in there as well. A lot of it actually. Questions as to why I always do this to myself. Questions as to why I never leave when I know that I should. The constant thoughts that I could probably do better by myself. I sometimes contemplate cheating on him. I dream of days where I meet a nice stranger somewhere and we go for a tussle in some swanky hotel room. I sometimes wonder if I will meet someone while I am at my Criminology conference in Hawaii. I wonder if he will be one of the top in his field. Someone with some intelligence and drive. Someone that won't be immature and put me through this bull-shit ever again. And then, that anger subsides. Those daydreams of mysterious lovers go away. And I am left feeling hollow and sunken in. I don't want to hurt Mark. That is the last thing that I would ever want to do. Ever. However, I am not sure that this relationship is healthy for either of us. I know that he thinks it is. I know that he believes he loves me with all of his heart. I know this. I do. However, I don't think that it is going to last. I know it won't. I know that it is going to end someday. I just really don't want to hurt him. I know that I eventually will. I always do. And I know that I shouldn't feel this way because he has hurt me so much before. But, that is just not me. Maybe that person that I used to be wouldn't care. But, not this new person. Not this one that I talk to everyday. I just don't want to hurt him. I still love him. I am just not in love with him. I feel as though we are friends. Great friends that care a lot about each other. Friends that occasionally have sex and cuddle. But, nothing more than that. It needs to end. I just don't know when.