:(
I keep dreaming about him. I don't know why. It's not as though I think about him during my waking hours. But, he haunts me at night. He is always there. It never fails. On nights where I don't dream about him, my sleep is restless. It's very strange. One would think that dreaming about a monster - a psychopath - would cause one to wake up in constant sweats and feel as though they haven't slept a wink throughout the night. This is not the case with me. It has never been the case. Since the moment we broke up when I was 16 years old, he has plagued me in my dreams...and helped me sleep soundly throughout the night. This Jason. This...creature.
I am sure that when most people dream about the monsters of their past, they want them to go away. This is not true with me. Instead, I find myself looking for him in my dreams. It's not as though I want him to be there. It seems as though I am just frightened when he is not. Probably because I know that I won't sleep well that night. I remember when I first started to dream about him, I despised it. I would be constantly terrified and wanting him to go away. Now, it is not the case. When he is gone, I look for him. I want to know he is there. Perhaps it is because I know that I can watch him as he stalks me. If I know he's there, I can have some defenses working. But, if he is not, I toss and turn in my sleep and wonder what hidden agenda he has planned. So, sadly, I look for him.
I wonder if this is what he wants of me. I wonder what type of creature he is to still haunt me eleven years after we had our last intimate moment. He is married now. He should be happily destroying another woman's life. However, he is still there. Why?
Do I still love him? Did I ever love him? Why do I find myself wanting to touch him and see him again? What does this say about me? My God...