Hermit
I got off of work a little early today. For good behavior. I drove in complete silence back to my house. There was a little music at first. But, my thinking was too overpowering. My brain wouldn't shut off. I just couldn't listen to music. It was illogical. I turned it down. And I drove in silence.
I was wondering how it was going to be coming home to an empty house everyday now. Since me and Mark are having problems, things are just different now. He wasn't going to be there. His scent would. His clothes were still there. Everything but his physical presence. Would this be enough for awhile? I am not ready to let him out of the dog house and completely forgive him for all of his mishaps. I don't know if I will ever be ready. I don't look at him the same anymore. Maybe the drug induced chemical frenzy has finally wore off. Then again, I know there was something other than the drugs and the booze. I fell in love with him. There was a real person that I enjoyed being with in there. Somewhere. We moved down here to San Diego together. We took this step holding each others hands. We were going to start a new life together away from all the Mammoth bull-shit. We were going to see if our relationship would work in this new place. Perhaps what was wrong in our relationship wasn't us, but the place in which we lived and the people that we surrounded ourselves with. That was the hope. And, it started to seem like that was the truth of the matter. However, after the other night where he reverted back to his old self, I am not sure if I can completely blame the old life and the old place. I would like to, but I am unsure if that is actually true. Maybe he is just completely unchangeable. Whatever the case, the thought of coming home to a place without him panics me. Leaves me somewhat lonely and depressed. I don't like that part of me. I was never aware of that part before. I hate it...