Unhappiness
I don't want to write this in my other journal. I don't want people to know that I have reverted back to the way that things were before. I am weak. I am feeble. I don't want any arguments so I am just sticking it out this time. I am very unhappy. I want to be strong. I want to be independent. But, I am so lonely down here. Right now I am wishing that Shayna never got pregnant. I wish that she were single and she could come down here and visit me without having to talk to her boyfriend or care for her baby. I wish that Mew didn't have a boyfriend either. I wish that both those girls just belonged to me and no one else. I know that this is not fair. I know that this is just because I am so unbelievably unhappy with things right now. I want them to be happy. That's an understatement. I want them to be blissfully happy. It's just that I am so fucking lonely. I don't do anything down here. It's pathetic. I go to school. I come home. I play with my cats. I don't do shit outside. My life has become redundant and depressing. And Mark doesn't make things any better. He stays in bed for the majority of the day. Well, at least until the afternoon. He doesn't worry. He expects things to just fall into place. It's like he doesn't have a fucking care in the world. Everything seems to be up to me. Everything. Where rent comes from. Where food comes from. Where entertainment comes from. It is all up to me. I can't live like this anymore. And yet, I can't get myself out of it. I have met many girls in my life who have had breakups with their boyfriends and they turned out to remain friends in the end. This has never happened for me. Not once. Since I have been dating (which has been a very long time) I have never had a mutual breakup or one that has been relatively nice. I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. I am not sure where any of them are to be particular. I am not saying that I want to be friends with Mark after this breakup. That's not it at all. I just want it to end nicely. Without arguments. Without meanness. Without tears and shouts. It's not going to happen that way. So, I continue to stick it out. This is not good for me. This is definitely not good for my health. Not at all.