Silence is never the answer (pt II)
Throughout the course of this week, as I was seeking advice on what to do in terms of my addressing my assault, not only did I encounter a reoccuring strain of ideology that promoted avoidance of the issue, but I also encountered those who thought it would be best for me to deal with the situation with discretion and as quickly as possible. I have also been told that I should be careful with who I talk about this situation to because they might think of me as a "damaged woman" and that this event will somehow overshadow the quality of my work and intellect; moreover, I've been told that some people in the program (most likely people I am not very close to, because those close to me continue to be extremely and outwardly supportive), have been talking shit about me in a disparaging manner.
All of this talk of silence, discretion, and "being careful" is not anything that is new to me -- I have written in the past about the problem with staying silent:
I refuse to hide behind this line of social acceptance and making the rest of the world comfortable. I do NOT want to be ashamed about who I am and what has happened to me. I did not ask for this. I did not ask for it to happen to me.
To insinuate or imply that I should not state outright, the fact that this has occurred to me, as a credible reason when I protest in any space, whether it be public or private, whether it be in a classroom, in the workplace, or in an online chatroom, something I consider intrinsically harmful and oppressive to me and my sexuality and my gender, and all women, to tell me that it is "problematic" is completely unacceptable.
To tell me that I am "overreacting" or that I am "taking it too seriously" is symptomatic of a larger problem: this kind of shit is so socially accepted that the victim is the one who always must make concessions for the betterment and the comfort of the rest of the world she lives in, and must remain silent about the fact about what has happened because the rest of the world should be the one that should be comfortable while the victim, who has just been reminded of what has happened to her, and of all the other women out there that these things happen to, should remain silent because it is not acceptable for her to exist.
In fact, she shouldn't even exist. It's better if she doesn't, and better if she remains silent on the matter and not speak out her opinion in any environment she deems necessary because it is that important, for the sake of the common good.
Or so people like to think.
Well, fuck that shit.
If people will change what they think of me and how they interact with me based on their knowledge that I am a survivor of sexual assault by someone in the program, then those people don't need to be in my life. To a certain degree, academia functions differently than the regular business world in the sense that the work we do is extremely personal, and in the fact that our personal and professional lives intersect in a very unique and different way from the way workplace environments outside of academia function. I am passionate enough about my cause, and about the fact that I refuse to be silenced that I would rather not have those individuals as political allies and part of my professional and social network, than to have such narrowminded, uninformed, ignorant individuals who would rather talk shit about me causing "unnecessary drama" taking up my time when I can be spending it on more positive people who do understand why this "drama" has occurred and how necessary conversation on it actually is.
Via Shakesville:
Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.
That we live in a society where so many men and especially women buy into the myths rape culture perpetuates is incredibly problematic. To reiterate once more: I should not have to be the one who has to remain silent, make concessions, and change my life in order to make my attacker more comfortable, or the people who have to deal with us both. And the reason why I speak so vocally and loudly on the issue, and on the fact that this did happen, is not because I enjoy drama, but because sexual assault is something that far too often is covered up. It lives in the shadows, under the veil, and the secrecy that surrounds it suggests that one who has experienced this must treat it as a source of shame instead of a source of anger and a cataclysmic event from which to take action -- to show that injustice has occurred and that it cannot continue, that it must be addressed and that it must not be kept quiet. I have spoken loudly to anyone who will listen and to those who might not want to listen, because this must be heard. Because if there is a sexually violent individual amongst us, their identities must be known as silence only protects the offender, who very well might have offended before, and very well may continue to offend. This is why convicted rapists and sexual predators are listed on a public database. Sexual harassers and those who might commit sexual assault are just as dangerous. While the crime may not be as egregious as the convicted, the effects remain largely the same: the victim must bear the burden and the memory of the violation forever. His/her life is forever changed. And no amount of justice or disciplinary punishment can ever change what has occurred, can never undo the hurt or retract the violation. That violation stays with you forever.
The one thing that gives me comfort is through speaking about what happened, is through having a voice in the matter, is through a refusal to stay silent and reclaim parts of myself by taking ownership over the event and raising awareness about it, to prevent it from ever occurring again and to also prevent it from occurring to any other woman who might, in the future, find herself in the same room with my attacker and discover that he is as inebriated as he was the night that he thought it a good idea to repeatedly attack me. I speak on this because I cannot live with the idea that if I were to not speak, to stay silent on the issue, to put my head down and simply avoid this man, to allow his behavior to continue, that someone else will one day be attacked. And I would be complicit in that attack, even if I am not the one attacking the victim, for I had not spoken, for I had kept silent, and my silence is in effect, an action, a choice to not act.
Today I was told by someone I deeply respect that she was similarly attacked by my attacker in December, and that she chose to not report him, but instead tried to stay in his life as a friend to help him. Her story sounds very similar to mine. But one thing that stays with me and will stay with me forever is that she said, "This will haunt me forever. If I had reported him back then, maybe I could have prevented what happened to you."
Why do I speak, then? Why do I not stay silent? Because silence is never the answer.
All of this talk of silence, discretion, and "being careful" is not anything that is new to me -- I have written in the past about the problem with staying silent:
I refuse to hide behind this line of social acceptance and making the rest of the world comfortable. I do NOT want to be ashamed about who I am and what has happened to me. I did not ask for this. I did not ask for it to happen to me.
To insinuate or imply that I should not state outright, the fact that this has occurred to me, as a credible reason when I protest in any space, whether it be public or private, whether it be in a classroom, in the workplace, or in an online chatroom, something I consider intrinsically harmful and oppressive to me and my sexuality and my gender, and all women, to tell me that it is "problematic" is completely unacceptable.
To tell me that I am "overreacting" or that I am "taking it too seriously" is symptomatic of a larger problem: this kind of shit is so socially accepted that the victim is the one who always must make concessions for the betterment and the comfort of the rest of the world she lives in, and must remain silent about the fact about what has happened because the rest of the world should be the one that should be comfortable while the victim, who has just been reminded of what has happened to her, and of all the other women out there that these things happen to, should remain silent because it is not acceptable for her to exist.
In fact, she shouldn't even exist. It's better if she doesn't, and better if she remains silent on the matter and not speak out her opinion in any environment she deems necessary because it is that important, for the sake of the common good.
Or so people like to think.
Well, fuck that shit.
If people will change what they think of me and how they interact with me based on their knowledge that I am a survivor of sexual assault by someone in the program, then those people don't need to be in my life. To a certain degree, academia functions differently than the regular business world in the sense that the work we do is extremely personal, and in the fact that our personal and professional lives intersect in a very unique and different way from the way workplace environments outside of academia function. I am passionate enough about my cause, and about the fact that I refuse to be silenced that I would rather not have those individuals as political allies and part of my professional and social network, than to have such narrowminded, uninformed, ignorant individuals who would rather talk shit about me causing "unnecessary drama" taking up my time when I can be spending it on more positive people who do understand why this "drama" has occurred and how necessary conversation on it actually is.
Via Shakesville:
Rape culture is 1 in 6 women being sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. Rape culture is not even talking about the reality that many women are sexually assaulted multiple times in their lives. Rape culture is the way in which the constant threat of sexual assault affects women's daily movements. Rape culture is telling girls and women to be careful about what you wear, how you wear it, how you carry yourself, where you walk, when you walk there, with whom you walk, whom you trust, what you do, where you do it, with whom you do it, what you drink, how much you drink, whether you make eye contact, if you're alone, if you're with a stranger, if you're in a group, if you're in a group of strangers, if it's dark, if the area is unfamiliar, if you're carrying something, how you carry it, what kind of shoes you're wearing in case you have to run, what kind of purse you carry, what jewelry you wear, what time it is, what street it is, what environment it is, how many people you sleep with, what kind of people you sleep with, who your friends are, to whom you give your number, who's around when the delivery guy comes, to get an apartment where you can see who's at the door before they can see you, to check before you open the door to the delivery guy, to own a dog or a dog-sound-making machine, to get a roommate, to take self-defense, to always be alert always pay attention always watch your back always be aware of your surroundings and never let your guard down for a moment lest you be sexually assaulted and if you are and didn't follow all the rules it's your fault.
That we live in a society where so many men and especially women buy into the myths rape culture perpetuates is incredibly problematic. To reiterate once more: I should not have to be the one who has to remain silent, make concessions, and change my life in order to make my attacker more comfortable, or the people who have to deal with us both. And the reason why I speak so vocally and loudly on the issue, and on the fact that this did happen, is not because I enjoy drama, but because sexual assault is something that far too often is covered up. It lives in the shadows, under the veil, and the secrecy that surrounds it suggests that one who has experienced this must treat it as a source of shame instead of a source of anger and a cataclysmic event from which to take action -- to show that injustice has occurred and that it cannot continue, that it must be addressed and that it must not be kept quiet. I have spoken loudly to anyone who will listen and to those who might not want to listen, because this must be heard. Because if there is a sexually violent individual amongst us, their identities must be known as silence only protects the offender, who very well might have offended before, and very well may continue to offend. This is why convicted rapists and sexual predators are listed on a public database. Sexual harassers and those who might commit sexual assault are just as dangerous. While the crime may not be as egregious as the convicted, the effects remain largely the same: the victim must bear the burden and the memory of the violation forever. His/her life is forever changed. And no amount of justice or disciplinary punishment can ever change what has occurred, can never undo the hurt or retract the violation. That violation stays with you forever.
The one thing that gives me comfort is through speaking about what happened, is through having a voice in the matter, is through a refusal to stay silent and reclaim parts of myself by taking ownership over the event and raising awareness about it, to prevent it from ever occurring again and to also prevent it from occurring to any other woman who might, in the future, find herself in the same room with my attacker and discover that he is as inebriated as he was the night that he thought it a good idea to repeatedly attack me. I speak on this because I cannot live with the idea that if I were to not speak, to stay silent on the issue, to put my head down and simply avoid this man, to allow his behavior to continue, that someone else will one day be attacked. And I would be complicit in that attack, even if I am not the one attacking the victim, for I had not spoken, for I had kept silent, and my silence is in effect, an action, a choice to not act.
Today I was told by someone I deeply respect that she was similarly attacked by my attacker in December, and that she chose to not report him, but instead tried to stay in his life as a friend to help him. Her story sounds very similar to mine. But one thing that stays with me and will stay with me forever is that she said, "This will haunt me forever. If I had reported him back then, maybe I could have prevented what happened to you."
Why do I speak, then? Why do I not stay silent? Because silence is never the answer.