[FIC] This is the way the world ends
Title: This is the way the world ends
Characters: Kakashi
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence, gore
Summary: Kakashi is captured by Uchiha Madara and is losing himself and his memories as Madara breaks his mind. Memories span Kakashi Gaiden, with Team 7 flashbacks. Written for kannagara_rpg
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.
When you were small, you used to think there was nothing worse than death.
Death, which was falling asleep and growing into the ground.
That was what dead people did back then. They took root in the earth, let it swallow them whole.
And you, standing over your father with his guts all tumbled out, and the blood running into the genkan, mixing with the rain. There were children playing outside, in that rain. They jumped in and out of puddles that were as clear as the hope in their eyes, and clasped their small hands together and danced.
You clasped your small hands together with your father's guts as you stood in a puddle of his blood.
You remember thinking: if I put it back where it belongs, it will be okay. It has to be okay because it can't not be okay. He can't be dead because his eyes are still open, and I don't know what he sees, but I know he's looking at me. And he's telling me that if I just put everything back where it belongs, the rain outside is going to stop. And he's going to sit up and laugh and tell me I did a good job.
So there you were with your small hands that did not shake, full of your father's guts as you tried to put them away.
He grew into the ground, anyway.
And that was when you realized what death really was: an absence so large it empties you out.
So you walked around all hollowed out. And then that was when you discovered the emptiness was so large, it filled you up with its very lack; the way it spread and stretched and ate up all the space inside of you.
And it was too much, and you were too small, too young, to grow so fast, so old, in a world that had everything and nothing all at once. Growing with absence, until it wasn't what was in your life, but the lack that defined it.
The absence, and the memories that spilled into it.
Death became this: an absence that rooted itself in, and grew with you until it lived and breathed and spoke in whispers that sometimes were so loud, it was all you could hear -- the weight of the silence and the empty space it filled.
So you became earth to hold them, the way the ground held their bodies.
And they grew all rooted in, eating you up piece by piece until you finally became what you were named after, made up of all the stalks of their memories.
"How shall I have you suffer for stealing the power of my clan, Hatake Kakashi? I'm surprised they didn't punish you for killing an Uchiha and taking away his pride."
When you were young, you used to think there was nothing worse than losing a mission.
A mission, which was everything to a shinobi.
You see, you never forgot the weight of your father's guts in your small hands as you tried to put them back in place. You never forgot how he looked at you with that empty gaze, or the space in your life he once filled that grew still and silent with shame.
So when Rin was taken, you didn't have to think.
Rin, who wrapped you in gauze and staunched the blood with her small hands, would become a casualty.
But Obito, with his stupid loud voice and his always crying eyes looked at you and called you worse than trash. And he would break the rules of the ninja world, if that was what being a shinobi was all about. Because ninja who break the rules of the ninja world are trash, but ninja who don't protect their loved ones are even worse than trash.
So there he went, and so did you. But you were late, and the next thing you knew, your left eye had been sliced through and there was a boulder coming down at you.
You knew then that you were going to die.
And you weren't scared then, because there was nothing worse than death.
But Obito, with his stupid loud voice and his Sharingan eyes, went flying at you. Buried himself under the rock that was meant for you.
He would become your left eye, he said. Made you promise to protect Rin.
Rin, who cried as she cut out Obito's eye to plant into you.
That was when you discovered there are things worse than death.
There is living with a guilt so large, it takes on life the way the absence does. Filling you up with the sound of the boy's voice who died under a rock meant for you.
This boy, who now says, "You can't give up, no matter what you do."
Because Uchiha Madara is standing over you and his hands are on your face and you can't turn your eyes away from the eyes that hold the power of a legend in their grip. And you need to close your eyes, need to look away, need to plug your ears, because he's spitting out poisonous words and his chakra is crushing in. Holding you so you can't get up. Sinking in with a heat you've never felt in your life, and it's pounding you down so hard, you think this is the rock that's been waiting for you all along.
The rock you let your best friend get buried under sixteen years ago.
"You are going to kill for me, Hatake Kakashi. I will use you the way you used my clan and its power. Sharingan Kakashi wipes out Konoha. That sounds like a lovely headline."
There are things worse than death.
This is one of them: fighting the heavy black weight of chakra that's pressing in on you, erasing you.
And you, desperate to grab onto whatever you can. Because these memories, they are all you have.
Sakura is smiling today because she's just split apart a boulder the size of a house. Her hands are no longer small like they were when they were more concerned with hair and fixing bentos for Sasuke. They have the power to save a man's life or shatter him like the rock that lays all around you in little chunks.
And when she smiles, you notice how it lights her face up.
So you grab onto that smile, because it's all you have, and your world is going dark with the violent chakra closing in.
Sasuke is annoyed that you always call him Sasuke-kun. It's because he wants to be an adult, thinks he's all grown up, even when he can't open his ration bar with his small hands that are scorched with too much lightning chakra. There is genius in his eyes and hands, but not enough faith. You hope you can give him what he needs. And times like now, when he finally sighs and stops fiddling with the damn ration bar, stares at it as though it'll unwrap itself, and lets you take it from him to open up, you think maybe you might be on the right track.
He doesn't smile or say thanks.
Sasuke never does.
But you can tell, with the way he slants his eyes away and scoffs softly under his breath, how he feels.
Desperate to grow strong.
Desperate like you are, to hold on.
Naruto is angry and you can see the fear in his eyes. But he looks through the screen and asks you not to fight. Says he's a shinobi for Konoha and he stands for peace. Says he's not a tool. Not a damn weapon and neither is anyone else. He's a shinobi of Konoha but he's a person first, and he'll always be a person first. So if he fights, he's gotta know why he's fighting. And if he can, he's gonna try to find another way.
And you believe in him, believe he'll find another way. But it won't be today, and it won't be next week, and it won't be before this war slams its way past Konoha's gates.
But you believe in him, anyway. Believe that one day he'll find another way.
Naruto is smiling and obnoxious and loud. And he's talking about cup ramen and how much he hates waiting for it to cook.
But then he looks right at you and says: I'm going to become the Hokage one day, and make everyone acknowledge me!
You didn't believe him then.
Now he's all you have left to believe in.
All you have left.
I'm sorry, Naruto.
You'll have to be strong enough for the both of us, now.
You'll have to be strong enough to kill me, when we meet again.
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
Characters: Kakashi
Rating: R
Warnings: Violence, gore
Summary: Kakashi is captured by Uchiha Madara and is losing himself and his memories as Madara breaks his mind. Memories span Kakashi Gaiden, with Team 7 flashbacks. Written for kannagara_rpg
Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.
When you were small, you used to think there was nothing worse than death.
Death, which was falling asleep and growing into the ground.
That was what dead people did back then. They took root in the earth, let it swallow them whole.
And you, standing over your father with his guts all tumbled out, and the blood running into the genkan, mixing with the rain. There were children playing outside, in that rain. They jumped in and out of puddles that were as clear as the hope in their eyes, and clasped their small hands together and danced.
You clasped your small hands together with your father's guts as you stood in a puddle of his blood.
You remember thinking: if I put it back where it belongs, it will be okay. It has to be okay because it can't not be okay. He can't be dead because his eyes are still open, and I don't know what he sees, but I know he's looking at me. And he's telling me that if I just put everything back where it belongs, the rain outside is going to stop. And he's going to sit up and laugh and tell me I did a good job.
So there you were with your small hands that did not shake, full of your father's guts as you tried to put them away.
He grew into the ground, anyway.
And that was when you realized what death really was: an absence so large it empties you out.
So you walked around all hollowed out. And then that was when you discovered the emptiness was so large, it filled you up with its very lack; the way it spread and stretched and ate up all the space inside of you.
And it was too much, and you were too small, too young, to grow so fast, so old, in a world that had everything and nothing all at once. Growing with absence, until it wasn't what was in your life, but the lack that defined it.
The absence, and the memories that spilled into it.
Death became this: an absence that rooted itself in, and grew with you until it lived and breathed and spoke in whispers that sometimes were so loud, it was all you could hear -- the weight of the silence and the empty space it filled.
So you became earth to hold them, the way the ground held their bodies.
And they grew all rooted in, eating you up piece by piece until you finally became what you were named after, made up of all the stalks of their memories.
"How shall I have you suffer for stealing the power of my clan, Hatake Kakashi? I'm surprised they didn't punish you for killing an Uchiha and taking away his pride."
When you were young, you used to think there was nothing worse than losing a mission.
A mission, which was everything to a shinobi.
You see, you never forgot the weight of your father's guts in your small hands as you tried to put them back in place. You never forgot how he looked at you with that empty gaze, or the space in your life he once filled that grew still and silent with shame.
So when Rin was taken, you didn't have to think.
Rin, who wrapped you in gauze and staunched the blood with her small hands, would become a casualty.
But Obito, with his stupid loud voice and his always crying eyes looked at you and called you worse than trash. And he would break the rules of the ninja world, if that was what being a shinobi was all about. Because ninja who break the rules of the ninja world are trash, but ninja who don't protect their loved ones are even worse than trash.
So there he went, and so did you. But you were late, and the next thing you knew, your left eye had been sliced through and there was a boulder coming down at you.
You knew then that you were going to die.
And you weren't scared then, because there was nothing worse than death.
But Obito, with his stupid loud voice and his Sharingan eyes, went flying at you. Buried himself under the rock that was meant for you.
He would become your left eye, he said. Made you promise to protect Rin.
Rin, who cried as she cut out Obito's eye to plant into you.
That was when you discovered there are things worse than death.
There is living with a guilt so large, it takes on life the way the absence does. Filling you up with the sound of the boy's voice who died under a rock meant for you.
This boy, who now says, "You can't give up, no matter what you do."
Because Uchiha Madara is standing over you and his hands are on your face and you can't turn your eyes away from the eyes that hold the power of a legend in their grip. And you need to close your eyes, need to look away, need to plug your ears, because he's spitting out poisonous words and his chakra is crushing in. Holding you so you can't get up. Sinking in with a heat you've never felt in your life, and it's pounding you down so hard, you think this is the rock that's been waiting for you all along.
The rock you let your best friend get buried under sixteen years ago.
"You are going to kill for me, Hatake Kakashi. I will use you the way you used my clan and its power. Sharingan Kakashi wipes out Konoha. That sounds like a lovely headline."
There are things worse than death.
This is one of them: fighting the heavy black weight of chakra that's pressing in on you, erasing you.
And you, desperate to grab onto whatever you can. Because these memories, they are all you have.
Sakura is smiling today because she's just split apart a boulder the size of a house. Her hands are no longer small like they were when they were more concerned with hair and fixing bentos for Sasuke. They have the power to save a man's life or shatter him like the rock that lays all around you in little chunks.
And when she smiles, you notice how it lights her face up.
So you grab onto that smile, because it's all you have, and your world is going dark with the violent chakra closing in.
Sasuke is annoyed that you always call him Sasuke-kun. It's because he wants to be an adult, thinks he's all grown up, even when he can't open his ration bar with his small hands that are scorched with too much lightning chakra. There is genius in his eyes and hands, but not enough faith. You hope you can give him what he needs. And times like now, when he finally sighs and stops fiddling with the damn ration bar, stares at it as though it'll unwrap itself, and lets you take it from him to open up, you think maybe you might be on the right track.
He doesn't smile or say thanks.
Sasuke never does.
But you can tell, with the way he slants his eyes away and scoffs softly under his breath, how he feels.
Desperate to grow strong.
Desperate like you are, to hold on.
Naruto is angry and you can see the fear in his eyes. But he looks through the screen and asks you not to fight. Says he's a shinobi for Konoha and he stands for peace. Says he's not a tool. Not a damn weapon and neither is anyone else. He's a shinobi of Konoha but he's a person first, and he'll always be a person first. So if he fights, he's gotta know why he's fighting. And if he can, he's gonna try to find another way.
And you believe in him, believe he'll find another way. But it won't be today, and it won't be next week, and it won't be before this war slams its way past Konoha's gates.
But you believe in him, anyway. Believe that one day he'll find another way.
Naruto is smiling and obnoxious and loud. And he's talking about cup ramen and how much he hates waiting for it to cook.
But then he looks right at you and says: I'm going to become the Hokage one day, and make everyone acknowledge me!
You didn't believe him then.
Now he's all you have left to believe in.
All you have left.
I'm sorry, Naruto.
You'll have to be strong enough for the both of us, now.
You'll have to be strong enough to kill me, when we meet again.
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.