[FIC] Illuminating Heaven - Kakashi/Sasuke
Title: Illuminating Heaven / 天照 / Amaterasu
Pairing: Kakashi/Sasuke
Rating: NC-17
A/N: Set in post-canon. Reviews highly appreciated. A huge thank you to my lovely beta editor ka0richan. This fic so would not be what it is now without her!
Summary: Kakashi'd wondered when and if he'd ever encounter his prodigal former student again, but never expected it to be quite like this.
This Chapter: "The pressure built higher, then, and there was no more self-control to call his own."
Chapter 1: The First Night
Chapter 2: The Second Night
Chapter 3: The Second Night: Interstice
Chapter 4: The Second Night: Stasis
Chapter 5: Exodus
Chapter 6: Recapitulation
Chapter 7: The Third Night
Chapter 8: Tension
Chapter 9: Pressure
Chapter 10: Catharsis
Chapter 11: Tenderness
Chapter 12: HopeAfterward
Chapter 9: Pressure
A scent like that was hard to forget.
Sasuke had it burned into him at too young an age, and it'd followed him for the past ten years of his life. Everywhere he went, he smelled it -- that sharp, metallic memory that had splattered the walls of his mind with residue no amount of scrubbing could've removed. He had been powerless then, without sight. His eyes had been different from his brother's, and it was the difference that made him helpless and weak; the difference he struggled to breach.
(But even before then, he had struggled; even before all that copper, he had tried. To grow stronger and faster and more powerful. More like Itachi. Less like himself.)
And so he'd taken hands that were too small and forced his eyes open, having lived in a world for too long with eyes that saw but had no vision.
In the end, Sasuke found himself stumbling right back to the very beginning, losing all he'd worked so hard to gain, both sight and vision. And all he had left that still belonged to him was the pain that throbbed right through him. It started at his eyes and shot to his chest (he never knew that his eyes and heart were connected). Then something clawed its way up within him and it was only the familiar warm scent of Kakashi and the strength of his arms that kept him grounded.
He didn't understand it, why Kakashi's very presence gave him such reassurance, but had no time to stop and analyze it when he felt the presence of someone -- probably the medic -- threatening to encroach upon his personal space with a touch.
"Don't!" he snapped, flinching back against the solid wall of warmth behind him. The presence withdrew.
Sasuke was really starting to hate this.
Kakashi sighed as he sensed the full spectrum of emotions swirling fast and frantic through the boy. He leveled the retrieval team with a single look that informed them he would handle it, then turned with Sasuke so that all they could see was Kakashi's back.
It would be easier to deal with Sasuke if no one else could see him. Kakashi could visibly see the vulnerability that threatened to swallow up his bravado. Sasuke's breaths came out slow and shaky, as though that kind of breathing would keep his walls from crumbling, when they were already threatening collapse under the weight of the blood smearing his fingers. But Kakashi refused to let him fall, not when they'd already come this far.
He turned him slowly, taking in the way Sasuke's hand slightly trembled as he pressed it against his eyes. Even now, he was trying to be strong. Even know, he was trying to hold up the weight of the world with his hands.
"Let me see it," Kakashi said softly, wanting to assess the extent of the damage, but Sasuke only ended up tightening the press of his fingers against his face instead. Kakashi let out a slow breath as he watched the boy's fingers shake harder under the pressure. Then he reached out -- his fingers brushed against Sasuke's forearm, wrapped around his wrist, and lightly pulled it away from his face.
There was only slight resistance.
Sasuke kept his eyes tightly closed, lashes wet with sticky red moisture that streaked to the top of his cheekbones in angry, glistening smears.
"Let me see it," Kakashi repeated, and this time, it was an order.
Sasuke had to steel himself with a slow exhale. The hand Kakashi was holding tensed, and his fingers bunched into a fist. He let out a painful hiss as his eyes cracked open a little, the pain clearly making it impossible for him to open them completely. His gaze was red-rimmed and unfocused, sclera broken up by angry veins and filmy red effusion, which gathered at the corners of his eyes before leaking out.
He looked like he was crying, but the tears were the wrong color.
Kakashi had to slowly draw in a breath of winter to give him the resolve he needed to not look away from this, not even for a moment. He took in the way Sasuke's brow pinched with pain, how his eyes struggled to close against the pressure of keeping them open. Noticed, too, how the boy was breathing a little more shallowly, trying to keep the threads of self-control from unraveling.
"Can you see?" Kakashi asked softly, though he wasn't exactly expecting an optimistic answer.
Sasuke bit down a little at his lower lip and replied, "Yes," even though his eyes remained hazy and unfocused. It wasn't completely a lie, but not the entire truth either. Kakashi could tell from the way Sasuke's left eyebrow slightly tilted.
It always did that when he lied.
But half-truths made it easier for Sasuke to handle his inability to see anything beyond blurry shapes dripped in shades of red. Kakashi was a smear of dark crimson and vermillion splashed against a backdrop steeped in pain that not only stabbed but burned, prickling at his eyes and tearing away at the surface. The blur seemed to come closer and he flinched slightly when he felt the rough calloused warmth of Kakashi's thumb brushing across his cheek lightly, moisture spreading across his skin slowly.
Then it was gone.
And somehow that warmth felt comforting, however fleeting.
"Let the medic do something about this," Kakashi said, trying to keep his voice even and reassuring, as his gaze moved over the boy's face. Sasuke snapped his eyes shut once more, squeezing out more drops that luridly carved tracks down his cheeks, beading along his jaw and dripping towards the apex of his chin; his body tightened with tension at the very suggestion.
But when Kakashi repeated himself again softly, punctuating his words with a hand curling around a shoulder, Sasuke let out a slow, shaky breath heavy with resignation. Then, he schooled his features into a blank canvas.
Once Kakashi was certain that Sasuke would cooperate, he waved the medic over, and watched as she worked diligently with a frown. Retina detachment, she murmured, and his optical nerve was severely deteriorating and separating from its chakra stream; not even the best medical ninjutsu would be able to repair that kind of damage. Kakashi watched Sasuke closely, noticing how he grit his teeth and clenched his jaw as his weaknessses were parlayed in careful detail.
And then it suddenly made sense -- why Kakashi had found Sasuke crumpled over a log drifting down the river; why Sasuke'd attempted to infiltrate a military compound. Snow Country's military was known for its technology -- if Sasuke's eyesight was deteriorating and there was something that he wanted from that compound--
Kakashi silently ruminated as he watched the medic test Sasuke's vision. The boy scowled and blinked and responded with flatly-given answers.
"Sasuke," he called his former student over, once the medic had cleared him for travel. Kakashi turned to the retrieval team. "Give us a moment," he requested, and without waiting for an answer, led Sasuke out of hearing distance. Sasuke looked up at him with an expression both supicious and carefully guarded. His features were impassive, any shred of emotion drained away and carefully locked up within him.
"That thing you want," Kakashi began, and Sasuke slightly flinched, the reaction passing so quickly that Kakashi might've missed it if he hadn't been looking for it. Sasuke's brow drew together then, waiting almost cautiously for Kakashi's next words. "Is it for your vision?"
He watched as the intensity of Sasuke's gaze wavered and broke, then slid to the side.
That was answer enough.
~
"My, how many years has it been, Kakashi-san? And Sasuke-kun, too! I wasn't expecting you," Empress Koyuki practically cooed as Sasuke tried his best not to bristle when the empress started to run her hands all over his broad shoulders and hair. "You certainly have grown up, haven't you."
Kakashi did his best to keep a straight face, which really wasn't that hard with his mask's assistance. He watched as the empress's bejeweled fingers moved across Sasuke's back, mapping the difference between boy and man with light, gentle touches. Sasuke's eyes had narrowed almost into slits, but then he huffed out a breath and closed his eyes entirely as Empress Koyuki began to smooth out pieces of his hair that perpetually seemed to stick in every which direction.
(What a darling, darling boy indeed, but no, he wasn't a boy anymore, was he? Cue the sound of coy feminine laughter, suppressed behind a sleeve.)
"...and you've gotten so tall, too!" she finally finished, and stepped back to observe him. Sasuke blew a puff of air up at his bangs to get them out of his eyes -- the empress had managed to screw his hair up enough that he now had black glossy razors cutting across his line of vision.
Kakashi almost wished he had a way to capture the boy's expression -- drawn into a petulant scowl the moment the empress turned her back on him. How adorable, really.
"Sasuke-kun certainly has grown, hasn't he," Kakashi drawled, his smile arcing his eye when he felt the sharp prickliness of Sasuke's annoyance directed his way. He considered ruffling the black head of hair, but wasn't sure what Sasuke would do if he tried, so kept his hand safely at his side instead.
The empress made an emphatic sound of agreement before turning her eyes onto him. "And you haven't aged a day, have you, Kakashi-sa~n?"
Kakashi did his best to keep his expression stoic, and could feel the prickliness at his side turn into smug amusement. He didn't have to look to know that Sasuke had a smirk curling over his features. And he was absolutely certain the boy was thoroughly entertained when the empress decided it was Kakashi's turn for inspection. Apparently the empress had grown more affectionate over the years.
Kakashi could almost swear her hand grazed over his ass. Far more affectionate.
"Ahh." He managed a laugh and hoped it wasn't too uncomfortable. "That's just because I wear a mask."
"Well, you could always take it off, you know." And she probably wasn't referring to just his mask, either.
"Mm, poor health. I'd catch a cold." Kakashi kept on smiling in a way that felt almost painful.
"What a pity," Empress Koyuki sighed, and an amused scoff quietly came from Sasuke's side of the room.
"In any case, Empress, Sasuke-kun and I will be honored to serve Snow Country," Kakashi smoothly changed the subject to more familiar, comfortable territory and felt a wave of sudden indignation rise from Sasuke, which he pointedly ignored. "We will do everything in our power to assist you."
"I'm glad you made it here safely. Your wounds are not too serious, I hope." The empress's previous demeanor sharply shifted as she eased into her ruling role. For a moment, Kakashi remembered the little girl who had uncontrollably cried as he escaped with her from the burning palace. She certainly had grown as well.
"I appreciate the concern. But your retrieval team did a very good job." Kakashi smiled then and inclined his head in a polite bow.
"Please be sure to visit the imperial doctor later; I would like to ensure that the injuries you receive in the line of duty for Snow Country are well taken care of. Snow Country is indebted to the ninja of Konoha, and we will make sure to give you priority treatment," the empress assured him.
"Ah, that is most generous of you, Empress," Kakashi hated how stilted his speech sounded when he had to speak like this to a monarch, and strained his smile a little more, keeping his head slightly inclined in the posture of humility before royalty. "But a shinobi is only a tool. I would prefer if you give me the same treatment as everyone else. I may be here on a provisional basis from Konoha, but in battle, my life has the same value as anyone else's--"
Before he could continue, Empress Koyuki huffed and gave a dismissive wave of a hand in his direction. "Enough with that drivel, I've heard and said the same exact same lines at least a hundred times. 'Shinobi are tools for the country,' 'shinobi serve with distinction' ... and that may be the truth, but Konoha has saved my life twice, and you were involved both times. Quite frankly, your life's worth more than the value you assign to it. So you will accept priority treatment. As will Sasuke-kun."
Well, if that's how she was going to be, Kakashi could only bow in thanks. He had to reach a hand out and push Sasuke's head down as well. "Then we are most grateful for your generosity."
The Empress made a slight annoyed tsk at that sight. "That kind of formality isn't necessary, Kakashi-san. We're old friends, are we not?"
Sasuke smacked Kakashi's hand away with a scowl, lifting his chin back up, and Kakashi straightened up after him with a softer expression. "Only in the proper settings, Empress," he said, and she laughed.
"So before we finish this little act of our play, let me remind you that you have our troops and shinobi at your disposal. As you've been injured, I've requested a two day rest period for you to recover before you join the front lines. If there is anything you need at all, please let me know."
Kakashi was hesitant as he considered his options. If they had two days before they joined the front lines, with the proper support, they could feasibly re-infiltrate the compound and retrieve the item Sasuke needed. Kakashi was certain with or without him, Sasuke would try to obtain whatever it was that he wanted -- even at the risk of his own life, again. But Kakashi could understand; without his eyes, Sasuke's life would be rendered meaningless. Without sight, Sasuke wouldn't be able to fight. Certainly, he could train himself in the art of combat by training his other senses, but such a handicap was more likely to end up killing him. What would his life be like then, broken down and crippled in such a way?
Kakashi knew he'd be going against the rules. And a ninja who doesn't follow the rules is trash, but a ninja who doesn't take care of his loved ones is even worse than trash. Obito's voice echoed at the back of his mind, bright and filled with all the conviction in the world, saying that life couldn't be mapped out so easily by a book of rules. It was the complication that made up the space around the codes that mattered more than the codes themselves; it was how you negotiated the spacing and bridged the gaps that truly determined the value of your life.
It was learning that life was made up of moments in which you rose or fell; but only you had the power to change how that moment would play out.
Kakashi chose against the law of Konoha, chose in a way that could very well cost him his own life, or have him stripped of his title. But standing here next to a boy who had always needed him more than he'd ever known, Kakashi knew he couldn't simply pretend that he didn't see the need in dimming eyes, or the fear that clouded them; he couldn't turn away from the way Sasuke asked by his very refusal to ask him.
So Kakashi drew in a slow breath and looked right up at the empress. "That two day rest period will not be necessary, Empress. But I do have a request for a mission." When she motioned for him to continue, he began. "I received intelligence concerning the military compound that Sasuke-kun and I infiltrated."
There was a sharp spike of surprise from Sasuke's side, but he ignored it. "They are developing technology that we are interested in recovering. With your express permission, I request the assistance of your most capable ninja platoon in re-infiltrating that compound. I understand security will be far higher, and we might not find what we're looking for, as a large part of the compound was destroyed in our previous mission. But in the off-chance that it might still be there, I request, at least, a chance to recover it."
The waves of emotion that lapped against Kakashi's shores from Sasuke's seas started with a wave of disbelief that surged into anger, slammed down a moment later, before Sasuke violently drew his tide back in.
Kakashi couldn't read his emotions anymore.
The empress quietly considered his request for a moment. Surely, she was curious about what technology they were interested in; if they recovered anything, certainly, it should belong to Snow Country. But the Opposition had developed this technology, and Kakashi was the one requesting this mission. Kakashi, who had saved her first as a little girl, then once more six years ago. Kakashi, who was here again, to help turn the tides on the war that roiled within the country. It took only a moment of consideration before she responded. "Will the technology you are searching for be used as a weapon?"
Kakashi turned his gaze to Sasuke, who stared stonily ahead of him, expressionless, before directing his eye back to the empress. "No, it will not."
"And will I have Konoha's agreement that the technology will not be duplicated?"
"You have my word, Empress." Kakashi's word, not Konoha's.
The empress looked at him critically, then gave a slow nod of her head. "I will grant this mission," she began, and Sasuke might've stiffened a little more. "With one condition: if you do find the item you are searching for, Snow Country will have the right of refusal to grant you permission to take it out of the country. You must report in with it, first."
"It's technology that will improve my sight, Koyuki-sama." Kakashi finally admitted after a moment of reluctance, slipping in the empress's name to soften the request into one that was more personal. If he agreed to her terms, the mission could very well end up futile; it had to be performed without any predetermined conditions.
The empress's eyes widened for a moment in surprise, before softening in understanding. She smiled. "Then in that case, I hope you find what it is you're looking for. I will grant you this mission, and my only condition is that you come back with everyone alive."
Kakashi inclined his head in gratitude, just enough that it was polite, but not too formal. "I will do everything to keep the team safe, even at the cost of my life," and the way he said it might've been so serious that the empress broke out in soft laughter.
"Ah~h, Kakashi-san, you are always so fatalistic," she teased with a smile.
"I try," he responded lightly, with an arc of his eye.
~
Storms had a way of sneaking up on him when Sasuke wasn't looking.
Every time he thought he could relax a little and settle, a storm would suddenly find its way brewing across the clarity of his sky. This time, it was filled with too much lightning that struck down at his trees and tried to scorch the earth he stood on. This time, Sasuke grabbed the storm by his hands and started to rip it apart to pieces.
He couldn't understand what logic possibly dictated Kakashi's actions. He only knew the surge of too much thunder that slammed its fists against the pulp of his heart before the lightning struck and seared right through. And then the pressure built higher in his chest until it'd taken all of his self-control to keep it wound up inside.
The pressure built higher, then, and there was no more self-control to call his own.
His eyes scorched the air between himself and the man who had decided to take control over his life, and all the elements in it; the man who was now stealing his hope for vision. He trembled on the border of something so violent he could taste it at the back of his throat, a foul flavor that scraped across the tongue of his heart.
And as he watched Kakashi lazily start to undress for bed, saying something about how Sasuke didn't have to worry now that they had a mission to recover what he wanted, acting completely unaffected, as though he hadn't just gone and stuck his hands back in Sasuke's life where they weren't wanted, the angerconfusiontension clawed screaming out his throat and shaped itself into hands shoving hard against Kakashi's chest.
"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?" Sasuke screamed, and the words felt more violent than his hands.
Kakashi staggered a foot back with the shove, taking it unguarded. Sasuke watched, infuriated, as that silver brow raised slightly with condescension.
"I shouldn't?" he asked, and it sounded almost innocent.
"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Another shove had Kakashi staggering back a few more feet, but Sasuke refused to let him get too far away. He grabbed at the front of Kakashi's jounin sweater and bunched it between his fingers, then slammed the older man right into the wall with so much force, he felt Kakashi's breath come out in a soundless cough.
He pinned him there with his body, to make sure Kakashi couldn't go anywhere.
But after a moment of catching his breath, Kakashi didn't even seem a little concerned, as he only let that brow rise higher and calmly met Sasuke's furious gaze.
"It isn't?" he asked, and Sasuke fought the urge to hit him.
"You don't need to pity me," Sasuke said in a low growl, the lightning scorching harsher when Kakashi's eye merely curved into that fake arc.
"I'm not," he said, and suddenly, Sasuke was furious at how he could just smile at him and lie with fake sympathy that was really just a cover for condescension. He couldn't stand the way Kakashi could safely hide the truth behind a mask when Sasuke had to face him so honestly.
With a harsh, angry snarl, Sasuke reached up and ripped that cover right down. "Quit it with the bullshit smile."
But then Kakashi just looked back down at him with a face that belied nothing but softness. Kakashi just looked back at him and all Sasuke could read in the nuances of his expression was the warmth of patient understanding. And he hated that expression, hated it because it didn't belong there.
Kakashi was supposed to be angry and angular and filled with arrogance. Kakashi was supposed to be patronizing and self-righteous and everything but tender.
Sasuke never knew a feeling like tenderness could be so violent until it tore its way right through him.
And then he was choking on some kind of nameless emotion that pounded its way up in him.
He slammed Kakashi against the wall again with conviction --"I LEFT!" -- then did it once more for good measure. "I FUCKING LEFT!" Maybe if he slammed him hard enough, it would drive the tenderness out of his features.
But Kakashi only tried to catch his breath as he stared right back at him. Pressed so closely together by sheer violence, each time he took a breath, Sasuke felt it. The tenderness had fled Kakashi's face and found itself replaced by something so intense and soft at the same time, Sasuke didn't know what he was looking at. And didn't know why it made him feel the way it did.
Almost a little broken.
"You're not supposed to care," Sasuke whispered, and his voice sounded ragged.
Kakashi drew in a sharp breath that sounded painful as a tremble traveled through his body. "I know," he said, and his voice was choked, rough, broken all at once. And before Sasuke knew what was happening, large hands dug into his hips and the world was spinning-- the wall slammed the air out of him--
Then Kakashi's lips were violently crashing down, and stole his breath from him.
And in a sudden rush, Sasuke realized what that nameless something was.
Go back to Chapter 8: TensionGo to Chapter 10: Catharsis
Pairing: Kakashi/Sasuke
Rating: NC-17
A/N: Set in post-canon. Reviews highly appreciated. A huge thank you to my lovely beta editor ka0richan. This fic so would not be what it is now without her!
Summary: Kakashi'd wondered when and if he'd ever encounter his prodigal former student again, but never expected it to be quite like this.
This Chapter: "The pressure built higher, then, and there was no more self-control to call his own."
Chapter 1: The First Night
Chapter 2: The Second Night
Chapter 3: The Second Night: Interstice
Chapter 4: The Second Night: Stasis
Chapter 5: Exodus
Chapter 6: Recapitulation
Chapter 7: The Third Night
Chapter 8: Tension
Chapter 9: Pressure
Chapter 10: Catharsis
Chapter 11: Tenderness
Chapter 12: HopeAfterward
Chapter 9: Pressure
A scent like that was hard to forget.
Sasuke had it burned into him at too young an age, and it'd followed him for the past ten years of his life. Everywhere he went, he smelled it -- that sharp, metallic memory that had splattered the walls of his mind with residue no amount of scrubbing could've removed. He had been powerless then, without sight. His eyes had been different from his brother's, and it was the difference that made him helpless and weak; the difference he struggled to breach.
(But even before then, he had struggled; even before all that copper, he had tried. To grow stronger and faster and more powerful. More like Itachi. Less like himself.)
And so he'd taken hands that were too small and forced his eyes open, having lived in a world for too long with eyes that saw but had no vision.
In the end, Sasuke found himself stumbling right back to the very beginning, losing all he'd worked so hard to gain, both sight and vision. And all he had left that still belonged to him was the pain that throbbed right through him. It started at his eyes and shot to his chest (he never knew that his eyes and heart were connected). Then something clawed its way up within him and it was only the familiar warm scent of Kakashi and the strength of his arms that kept him grounded.
He didn't understand it, why Kakashi's very presence gave him such reassurance, but had no time to stop and analyze it when he felt the presence of someone -- probably the medic -- threatening to encroach upon his personal space with a touch.
"Don't!" he snapped, flinching back against the solid wall of warmth behind him. The presence withdrew.
Sasuke was really starting to hate this.
Kakashi sighed as he sensed the full spectrum of emotions swirling fast and frantic through the boy. He leveled the retrieval team with a single look that informed them he would handle it, then turned with Sasuke so that all they could see was Kakashi's back.
It would be easier to deal with Sasuke if no one else could see him. Kakashi could visibly see the vulnerability that threatened to swallow up his bravado. Sasuke's breaths came out slow and shaky, as though that kind of breathing would keep his walls from crumbling, when they were already threatening collapse under the weight of the blood smearing his fingers. But Kakashi refused to let him fall, not when they'd already come this far.
He turned him slowly, taking in the way Sasuke's hand slightly trembled as he pressed it against his eyes. Even now, he was trying to be strong. Even know, he was trying to hold up the weight of the world with his hands.
"Let me see it," Kakashi said softly, wanting to assess the extent of the damage, but Sasuke only ended up tightening the press of his fingers against his face instead. Kakashi let out a slow breath as he watched the boy's fingers shake harder under the pressure. Then he reached out -- his fingers brushed against Sasuke's forearm, wrapped around his wrist, and lightly pulled it away from his face.
There was only slight resistance.
Sasuke kept his eyes tightly closed, lashes wet with sticky red moisture that streaked to the top of his cheekbones in angry, glistening smears.
"Let me see it," Kakashi repeated, and this time, it was an order.
Sasuke had to steel himself with a slow exhale. The hand Kakashi was holding tensed, and his fingers bunched into a fist. He let out a painful hiss as his eyes cracked open a little, the pain clearly making it impossible for him to open them completely. His gaze was red-rimmed and unfocused, sclera broken up by angry veins and filmy red effusion, which gathered at the corners of his eyes before leaking out.
He looked like he was crying, but the tears were the wrong color.
Kakashi had to slowly draw in a breath of winter to give him the resolve he needed to not look away from this, not even for a moment. He took in the way Sasuke's brow pinched with pain, how his eyes struggled to close against the pressure of keeping them open. Noticed, too, how the boy was breathing a little more shallowly, trying to keep the threads of self-control from unraveling.
"Can you see?" Kakashi asked softly, though he wasn't exactly expecting an optimistic answer.
Sasuke bit down a little at his lower lip and replied, "Yes," even though his eyes remained hazy and unfocused. It wasn't completely a lie, but not the entire truth either. Kakashi could tell from the way Sasuke's left eyebrow slightly tilted.
It always did that when he lied.
But half-truths made it easier for Sasuke to handle his inability to see anything beyond blurry shapes dripped in shades of red. Kakashi was a smear of dark crimson and vermillion splashed against a backdrop steeped in pain that not only stabbed but burned, prickling at his eyes and tearing away at the surface. The blur seemed to come closer and he flinched slightly when he felt the rough calloused warmth of Kakashi's thumb brushing across his cheek lightly, moisture spreading across his skin slowly.
Then it was gone.
And somehow that warmth felt comforting, however fleeting.
"Let the medic do something about this," Kakashi said, trying to keep his voice even and reassuring, as his gaze moved over the boy's face. Sasuke snapped his eyes shut once more, squeezing out more drops that luridly carved tracks down his cheeks, beading along his jaw and dripping towards the apex of his chin; his body tightened with tension at the very suggestion.
But when Kakashi repeated himself again softly, punctuating his words with a hand curling around a shoulder, Sasuke let out a slow, shaky breath heavy with resignation. Then, he schooled his features into a blank canvas.
Once Kakashi was certain that Sasuke would cooperate, he waved the medic over, and watched as she worked diligently with a frown. Retina detachment, she murmured, and his optical nerve was severely deteriorating and separating from its chakra stream; not even the best medical ninjutsu would be able to repair that kind of damage. Kakashi watched Sasuke closely, noticing how he grit his teeth and clenched his jaw as his weaknessses were parlayed in careful detail.
And then it suddenly made sense -- why Kakashi had found Sasuke crumpled over a log drifting down the river; why Sasuke'd attempted to infiltrate a military compound. Snow Country's military was known for its technology -- if Sasuke's eyesight was deteriorating and there was something that he wanted from that compound--
Kakashi silently ruminated as he watched the medic test Sasuke's vision. The boy scowled and blinked and responded with flatly-given answers.
"Sasuke," he called his former student over, once the medic had cleared him for travel. Kakashi turned to the retrieval team. "Give us a moment," he requested, and without waiting for an answer, led Sasuke out of hearing distance. Sasuke looked up at him with an expression both supicious and carefully guarded. His features were impassive, any shred of emotion drained away and carefully locked up within him.
"That thing you want," Kakashi began, and Sasuke slightly flinched, the reaction passing so quickly that Kakashi might've missed it if he hadn't been looking for it. Sasuke's brow drew together then, waiting almost cautiously for Kakashi's next words. "Is it for your vision?"
He watched as the intensity of Sasuke's gaze wavered and broke, then slid to the side.
That was answer enough.
~
"My, how many years has it been, Kakashi-san? And Sasuke-kun, too! I wasn't expecting you," Empress Koyuki practically cooed as Sasuke tried his best not to bristle when the empress started to run her hands all over his broad shoulders and hair. "You certainly have grown up, haven't you."
Kakashi did his best to keep a straight face, which really wasn't that hard with his mask's assistance. He watched as the empress's bejeweled fingers moved across Sasuke's back, mapping the difference between boy and man with light, gentle touches. Sasuke's eyes had narrowed almost into slits, but then he huffed out a breath and closed his eyes entirely as Empress Koyuki began to smooth out pieces of his hair that perpetually seemed to stick in every which direction.
(What a darling, darling boy indeed, but no, he wasn't a boy anymore, was he? Cue the sound of coy feminine laughter, suppressed behind a sleeve.)
"...and you've gotten so tall, too!" she finally finished, and stepped back to observe him. Sasuke blew a puff of air up at his bangs to get them out of his eyes -- the empress had managed to screw his hair up enough that he now had black glossy razors cutting across his line of vision.
Kakashi almost wished he had a way to capture the boy's expression -- drawn into a petulant scowl the moment the empress turned her back on him. How adorable, really.
"Sasuke-kun certainly has grown, hasn't he," Kakashi drawled, his smile arcing his eye when he felt the sharp prickliness of Sasuke's annoyance directed his way. He considered ruffling the black head of hair, but wasn't sure what Sasuke would do if he tried, so kept his hand safely at his side instead.
The empress made an emphatic sound of agreement before turning her eyes onto him. "And you haven't aged a day, have you, Kakashi-sa~n?"
Kakashi did his best to keep his expression stoic, and could feel the prickliness at his side turn into smug amusement. He didn't have to look to know that Sasuke had a smirk curling over his features. And he was absolutely certain the boy was thoroughly entertained when the empress decided it was Kakashi's turn for inspection. Apparently the empress had grown more affectionate over the years.
Kakashi could almost swear her hand grazed over his ass. Far more affectionate.
"Ahh." He managed a laugh and hoped it wasn't too uncomfortable. "That's just because I wear a mask."
"Well, you could always take it off, you know." And she probably wasn't referring to just his mask, either.
"Mm, poor health. I'd catch a cold." Kakashi kept on smiling in a way that felt almost painful.
"What a pity," Empress Koyuki sighed, and an amused scoff quietly came from Sasuke's side of the room.
"In any case, Empress, Sasuke-kun and I will be honored to serve Snow Country," Kakashi smoothly changed the subject to more familiar, comfortable territory and felt a wave of sudden indignation rise from Sasuke, which he pointedly ignored. "We will do everything in our power to assist you."
"I'm glad you made it here safely. Your wounds are not too serious, I hope." The empress's previous demeanor sharply shifted as she eased into her ruling role. For a moment, Kakashi remembered the little girl who had uncontrollably cried as he escaped with her from the burning palace. She certainly had grown as well.
"I appreciate the concern. But your retrieval team did a very good job." Kakashi smiled then and inclined his head in a polite bow.
"Please be sure to visit the imperial doctor later; I would like to ensure that the injuries you receive in the line of duty for Snow Country are well taken care of. Snow Country is indebted to the ninja of Konoha, and we will make sure to give you priority treatment," the empress assured him.
"Ah, that is most generous of you, Empress," Kakashi hated how stilted his speech sounded when he had to speak like this to a monarch, and strained his smile a little more, keeping his head slightly inclined in the posture of humility before royalty. "But a shinobi is only a tool. I would prefer if you give me the same treatment as everyone else. I may be here on a provisional basis from Konoha, but in battle, my life has the same value as anyone else's--"
Before he could continue, Empress Koyuki huffed and gave a dismissive wave of a hand in his direction. "Enough with that drivel, I've heard and said the same exact same lines at least a hundred times. 'Shinobi are tools for the country,' 'shinobi serve with distinction' ... and that may be the truth, but Konoha has saved my life twice, and you were involved both times. Quite frankly, your life's worth more than the value you assign to it. So you will accept priority treatment. As will Sasuke-kun."
Well, if that's how she was going to be, Kakashi could only bow in thanks. He had to reach a hand out and push Sasuke's head down as well. "Then we are most grateful for your generosity."
The Empress made a slight annoyed tsk at that sight. "That kind of formality isn't necessary, Kakashi-san. We're old friends, are we not?"
Sasuke smacked Kakashi's hand away with a scowl, lifting his chin back up, and Kakashi straightened up after him with a softer expression. "Only in the proper settings, Empress," he said, and she laughed.
"So before we finish this little act of our play, let me remind you that you have our troops and shinobi at your disposal. As you've been injured, I've requested a two day rest period for you to recover before you join the front lines. If there is anything you need at all, please let me know."
Kakashi was hesitant as he considered his options. If they had two days before they joined the front lines, with the proper support, they could feasibly re-infiltrate the compound and retrieve the item Sasuke needed. Kakashi was certain with or without him, Sasuke would try to obtain whatever it was that he wanted -- even at the risk of his own life, again. But Kakashi could understand; without his eyes, Sasuke's life would be rendered meaningless. Without sight, Sasuke wouldn't be able to fight. Certainly, he could train himself in the art of combat by training his other senses, but such a handicap was more likely to end up killing him. What would his life be like then, broken down and crippled in such a way?
Kakashi knew he'd be going against the rules. And a ninja who doesn't follow the rules is trash, but a ninja who doesn't take care of his loved ones is even worse than trash. Obito's voice echoed at the back of his mind, bright and filled with all the conviction in the world, saying that life couldn't be mapped out so easily by a book of rules. It was the complication that made up the space around the codes that mattered more than the codes themselves; it was how you negotiated the spacing and bridged the gaps that truly determined the value of your life.
It was learning that life was made up of moments in which you rose or fell; but only you had the power to change how that moment would play out.
Kakashi chose against the law of Konoha, chose in a way that could very well cost him his own life, or have him stripped of his title. But standing here next to a boy who had always needed him more than he'd ever known, Kakashi knew he couldn't simply pretend that he didn't see the need in dimming eyes, or the fear that clouded them; he couldn't turn away from the way Sasuke asked by his very refusal to ask him.
So Kakashi drew in a slow breath and looked right up at the empress. "That two day rest period will not be necessary, Empress. But I do have a request for a mission." When she motioned for him to continue, he began. "I received intelligence concerning the military compound that Sasuke-kun and I infiltrated."
There was a sharp spike of surprise from Sasuke's side, but he ignored it. "They are developing technology that we are interested in recovering. With your express permission, I request the assistance of your most capable ninja platoon in re-infiltrating that compound. I understand security will be far higher, and we might not find what we're looking for, as a large part of the compound was destroyed in our previous mission. But in the off-chance that it might still be there, I request, at least, a chance to recover it."
The waves of emotion that lapped against Kakashi's shores from Sasuke's seas started with a wave of disbelief that surged into anger, slammed down a moment later, before Sasuke violently drew his tide back in.
Kakashi couldn't read his emotions anymore.
The empress quietly considered his request for a moment. Surely, she was curious about what technology they were interested in; if they recovered anything, certainly, it should belong to Snow Country. But the Opposition had developed this technology, and Kakashi was the one requesting this mission. Kakashi, who had saved her first as a little girl, then once more six years ago. Kakashi, who was here again, to help turn the tides on the war that roiled within the country. It took only a moment of consideration before she responded. "Will the technology you are searching for be used as a weapon?"
Kakashi turned his gaze to Sasuke, who stared stonily ahead of him, expressionless, before directing his eye back to the empress. "No, it will not."
"And will I have Konoha's agreement that the technology will not be duplicated?"
"You have my word, Empress." Kakashi's word, not Konoha's.
The empress looked at him critically, then gave a slow nod of her head. "I will grant this mission," she began, and Sasuke might've stiffened a little more. "With one condition: if you do find the item you are searching for, Snow Country will have the right of refusal to grant you permission to take it out of the country. You must report in with it, first."
"It's technology that will improve my sight, Koyuki-sama." Kakashi finally admitted after a moment of reluctance, slipping in the empress's name to soften the request into one that was more personal. If he agreed to her terms, the mission could very well end up futile; it had to be performed without any predetermined conditions.
The empress's eyes widened for a moment in surprise, before softening in understanding. She smiled. "Then in that case, I hope you find what it is you're looking for. I will grant you this mission, and my only condition is that you come back with everyone alive."
Kakashi inclined his head in gratitude, just enough that it was polite, but not too formal. "I will do everything to keep the team safe, even at the cost of my life," and the way he said it might've been so serious that the empress broke out in soft laughter.
"Ah~h, Kakashi-san, you are always so fatalistic," she teased with a smile.
"I try," he responded lightly, with an arc of his eye.
~
Storms had a way of sneaking up on him when Sasuke wasn't looking.
Every time he thought he could relax a little and settle, a storm would suddenly find its way brewing across the clarity of his sky. This time, it was filled with too much lightning that struck down at his trees and tried to scorch the earth he stood on. This time, Sasuke grabbed the storm by his hands and started to rip it apart to pieces.
He couldn't understand what logic possibly dictated Kakashi's actions. He only knew the surge of too much thunder that slammed its fists against the pulp of his heart before the lightning struck and seared right through. And then the pressure built higher in his chest until it'd taken all of his self-control to keep it wound up inside.
The pressure built higher, then, and there was no more self-control to call his own.
His eyes scorched the air between himself and the man who had decided to take control over his life, and all the elements in it; the man who was now stealing his hope for vision. He trembled on the border of something so violent he could taste it at the back of his throat, a foul flavor that scraped across the tongue of his heart.
And as he watched Kakashi lazily start to undress for bed, saying something about how Sasuke didn't have to worry now that they had a mission to recover what he wanted, acting completely unaffected, as though he hadn't just gone and stuck his hands back in Sasuke's life where they weren't wanted, the angerconfusiontension clawed screaming out his throat and shaped itself into hands shoving hard against Kakashi's chest.
"WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE?" Sasuke screamed, and the words felt more violent than his hands.
Kakashi staggered a foot back with the shove, taking it unguarded. Sasuke watched, infuriated, as that silver brow raised slightly with condescension.
"I shouldn't?" he asked, and it sounded almost innocent.
"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" Another shove had Kakashi staggering back a few more feet, but Sasuke refused to let him get too far away. He grabbed at the front of Kakashi's jounin sweater and bunched it between his fingers, then slammed the older man right into the wall with so much force, he felt Kakashi's breath come out in a soundless cough.
He pinned him there with his body, to make sure Kakashi couldn't go anywhere.
But after a moment of catching his breath, Kakashi didn't even seem a little concerned, as he only let that brow rise higher and calmly met Sasuke's furious gaze.
"It isn't?" he asked, and Sasuke fought the urge to hit him.
"You don't need to pity me," Sasuke said in a low growl, the lightning scorching harsher when Kakashi's eye merely curved into that fake arc.
"I'm not," he said, and suddenly, Sasuke was furious at how he could just smile at him and lie with fake sympathy that was really just a cover for condescension. He couldn't stand the way Kakashi could safely hide the truth behind a mask when Sasuke had to face him so honestly.
With a harsh, angry snarl, Sasuke reached up and ripped that cover right down. "Quit it with the bullshit smile."
But then Kakashi just looked back down at him with a face that belied nothing but softness. Kakashi just looked back at him and all Sasuke could read in the nuances of his expression was the warmth of patient understanding. And he hated that expression, hated it because it didn't belong there.
Kakashi was supposed to be angry and angular and filled with arrogance. Kakashi was supposed to be patronizing and self-righteous and everything but tender.
Sasuke never knew a feeling like tenderness could be so violent until it tore its way right through him.
And then he was choking on some kind of nameless emotion that pounded its way up in him.
He slammed Kakashi against the wall again with conviction --"I LEFT!" -- then did it once more for good measure. "I FUCKING LEFT!" Maybe if he slammed him hard enough, it would drive the tenderness out of his features.
But Kakashi only tried to catch his breath as he stared right back at him. Pressed so closely together by sheer violence, each time he took a breath, Sasuke felt it. The tenderness had fled Kakashi's face and found itself replaced by something so intense and soft at the same time, Sasuke didn't know what he was looking at. And didn't know why it made him feel the way it did.
Almost a little broken.
"You're not supposed to care," Sasuke whispered, and his voice sounded ragged.
Kakashi drew in a sharp breath that sounded painful as a tremble traveled through his body. "I know," he said, and his voice was choked, rough, broken all at once. And before Sasuke knew what was happening, large hands dug into his hips and the world was spinning-- the wall slammed the air out of him--
Then Kakashi's lips were violently crashing down, and stole his breath from him.
And in a sudden rush, Sasuke realized what that nameless something was.
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