(no subject)
I’m in a confessional mood.
Today I was alone in the coffee booth for 6 hours. I had four customers. Lonely is one way to describe it; boring is another. I got about 90 pages of reading in, all from the scientology confessional I’m currently into. Those thetans are rough.
There were a few times when I found myself leaning my head against the glass in order to feel the heat. After turning the air down there would be a fifteen minute period of environmental bliss accompanied by the desire to have someone else there to acknowledge my temperature control. I then realized, or re-thought, how sad it is that I have lost touch with a lot of people who, only a year ago, I was very close with. One is Amanda Warrick. I never see her and she doesn’t return my phone calls.
Part of me wants to say she sucks balls, but I’m sure I’ll still love her when she starts feeling better. My high school guy friends and I aren’t as close which makes sense; we’re different. I’m a little upset at myself because it is never me who makes the effort to get all of them together.
I went through my phonebook today during work only to discover that most of the people in it are girls. Not only do I hardly call them to make plans (unless there has been some kind of arrangement made on the street), but also I don’t know many of them well. The few guys on the list I call regularly. Though I like having lots of girls numbers in my phone, I wish that they had the same weight as the guys.
And today at work- I think it is because I really want that part of a relationship where I don’t hesitate before calling her number. I know that if I were to find a girlfriend I would erase a lot of the numbers in the phone and stop worrying who might be calling when the phone starts to vibrate. I’m pretty sure that I give off that reassured, “I’m an independent guy” vibe, but the fact that I’ve never had a relationship for more than 2 months annoys me sometimes. It reaches its state of ‘annoyance’ after I first think it’s sad, and then find it silly that I think it’s sad.
Girls have never really been a problem. There have always been girls around me that I can talk to, vent to, and the whole lot. At times I’ve taken pride in being able to just ‘be friends’ with girls because so often it seems like the friendship stage is either a result of a failed relationship or the lead up to a relationship. I think that changes as people get married, but I’m not worried about that. I think I’m a little jealous of those people that are in relationships around me and, right now, I only want to surround myself with girls that I know I want to date and that I know are looking for the same. It’s never been this so black and white with me; I’m in this state where I need to (want to) know what those around me are prospective for.
I don’t want any grey area right now and I’m feeling, somehow, that I’m not being fair to those around me. In what ways I’m not being fair, I can’t tell. Perhaps it’s the feeling that I’m not their ‘prospective whatever they need at the time’ because I’m too busy being selfish with my only angst-y hormonal problems.
On another note poker and beer was fun last night.
On another another note I am excited for the 23rd of this month. I hope that the person with whom I am taking out is just as excited.
Today I was alone in the coffee booth for 6 hours. I had four customers. Lonely is one way to describe it; boring is another. I got about 90 pages of reading in, all from the scientology confessional I’m currently into. Those thetans are rough.
There were a few times when I found myself leaning my head against the glass in order to feel the heat. After turning the air down there would be a fifteen minute period of environmental bliss accompanied by the desire to have someone else there to acknowledge my temperature control. I then realized, or re-thought, how sad it is that I have lost touch with a lot of people who, only a year ago, I was very close with. One is Amanda Warrick. I never see her and she doesn’t return my phone calls.
Part of me wants to say she sucks balls, but I’m sure I’ll still love her when she starts feeling better. My high school guy friends and I aren’t as close which makes sense; we’re different. I’m a little upset at myself because it is never me who makes the effort to get all of them together.
I went through my phonebook today during work only to discover that most of the people in it are girls. Not only do I hardly call them to make plans (unless there has been some kind of arrangement made on the street), but also I don’t know many of them well. The few guys on the list I call regularly. Though I like having lots of girls numbers in my phone, I wish that they had the same weight as the guys.
And today at work- I think it is because I really want that part of a relationship where I don’t hesitate before calling her number. I know that if I were to find a girlfriend I would erase a lot of the numbers in the phone and stop worrying who might be calling when the phone starts to vibrate. I’m pretty sure that I give off that reassured, “I’m an independent guy” vibe, but the fact that I’ve never had a relationship for more than 2 months annoys me sometimes. It reaches its state of ‘annoyance’ after I first think it’s sad, and then find it silly that I think it’s sad.
Girls have never really been a problem. There have always been girls around me that I can talk to, vent to, and the whole lot. At times I’ve taken pride in being able to just ‘be friends’ with girls because so often it seems like the friendship stage is either a result of a failed relationship or the lead up to a relationship. I think that changes as people get married, but I’m not worried about that. I think I’m a little jealous of those people that are in relationships around me and, right now, I only want to surround myself with girls that I know I want to date and that I know are looking for the same. It’s never been this so black and white with me; I’m in this state where I need to (want to) know what those around me are prospective for.
I don’t want any grey area right now and I’m feeling, somehow, that I’m not being fair to those around me. In what ways I’m not being fair, I can’t tell. Perhaps it’s the feeling that I’m not their ‘prospective whatever they need at the time’ because I’m too busy being selfish with my only angst-y hormonal problems.
On another note poker and beer was fun last night.
On another another note I am excited for the 23rd of this month. I hope that the person with whom I am taking out is just as excited.