Ok. so, fuck it.
I had more fun last night then should be allowed.
Considering.
my body has no problem not crying when people are around, especially people I enjoy the company of. After I go home, however, is another story.
I didnt cry. I laid in bed and thought how I should be appreciative I should be for this chance at a new beginning. Not appreciative to anyone, but myself.
Not that this realization came without the help of a friend. So Seth, Thank you. Last night was wonderful... even if mister wine helped you have a little more to say then you normally would have. or, if mister wine had ALL the say. doesnt matter. I really appreciated. Just getting all that out really helped, even if I still feel like crying.
I havent been happy either.
I've done everything I could to try and keep the relationship going. I was exhausted. I am exhausted.
I shouldnt have had to ask you constantly, if you loved me. maybe that was a downfall. maybe if I hadnt started doing that, then we wouldnt have had any other problems. but we did. and I did, and I cant change that now.
I think I should have known for a while, that this was coming. I remember waking up, and you waking up.. and you kissing me and smiling. That turned into you growling and sneering, and me having to be ok that the first thing you did when you woke up was get on the internet and talk to people that werent me.
I needed you to tell me THEN, what was happening. But you didnt. And I kept on going, trying to carry the weight of the entire relationship on MY back. like a fool. Thinking it would work out, Thinking you'd love me forever.
I really did believe that.
I thought we'd be together forever. and ever. at least... until next tuesday.
I thought if I snuggled paz harder, you'd be there, telling me everything would be alright, if I could just make it one more night.
I needed you to call me.
I needed you to tell me you NEEDED me to come over- you missed me so hard you couldnt stand it.
I wanted you to offer the "I love you" instead of following suit.
I wished you could have done me the favour of at least breaking up with me in person.
for someone who loves you as much as I do... and who thought you loved me as much as I thought you did...
I think I deserved that.
I dont want to say things arent fixable. But you did.
I dont want to say that I hate you. I dont
I'm not mad, angry... nothing like that at all. I cared about you so much that I cant even blame you.
I wished for my own sake, that it hadnt happened. And if I expected you to stay with me even if you didnt have feelings, that would be wrong, and hurtful to both of us.
If you have no feelings for me, then so be it. thats you.
I think what hurts the most is that those feelings, the ones that I had for you for so long, that had been tended to every day for so long... until the very end "it will be alright andrea, I'm not breaking up with you. I dont want to not be your boyfriend, I just want some space" UNTIL THE MOMENT I LEFT YOUR HOUSE WITH MY CLOTHES!
they went away in 3 fucking days.
you say your friends noticed a change in you. that you're so much happier now, without me there.
I'm glad.
A relationship is hard work.
I know that, because I feel I put in A LOT of hardwork.
apparently, that work was too hard for you. And thats fine. Move on. Be happy. I wish you the best.
Its not so easy for me.
maybe if this had come at a better time. When I hadnt just had a nervous breakdown.
I dont know about you, but I used to think that if I was in a relationship with someone who loved me so much, and something that serious had happened to me, they would want to be there for me.
They would hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everything would be alright and they loved me and they didnt want me to go anywhere.
instead, the person I trusted, asked me to leave. It was too much to handle for him.
Well, what about me?
I knew, that it was over. I just wanted you to tell me. I DIDNT WANT TO BE STRUNG ALONG FOR A FREAKING WEEK BRIAN! I asked you to do that for me. and you didnt. you say you didnt know. How is it that I knew, and you didnt?
I needed you to hold me.
I needed kisses, and hugs, and warm thoughts.
I needed comfort, and knowing that everything WOULD be alright.
I needed you to get off the internet, and HOLD ME BRIAN.
Instead, you chatted it up with your fan club. and posted goofy pictures on your website. and downloaded more music. And made mix cd's for your new job.
And went to breakfast with your fanclub. When I needed you.
I had a nervous breakdown.
I couldnt stop crying.
I couldnt breathe.
I couldnt sleep.
I couldnt eat.
and you...
you asked me to leave.
Maybe its a good thing. Maybe not.
I love you. I really truely care about you. You were my everything.
and I've got to get over that.
Ok, so.. now that thats out. heh. I feel... worse.
*sigh*
I'll live. I needed to get that out I think. Now I just have to think of something to occupy my day.
Seth, I wanted to ask you about something... I wanted to know if you were THAT drunk, or if you were serious about the room thing. because, if you were.. let me know. *smile*
and if you werent, thats cool too. hehe..
I'll still us LJ I think.. just, not as often as before. I'll check my email.. but. yeah.
ok, bye guys.
Considering.
my body has no problem not crying when people are around, especially people I enjoy the company of. After I go home, however, is another story.
I didnt cry. I laid in bed and thought how I should be appreciative I should be for this chance at a new beginning. Not appreciative to anyone, but myself.
Not that this realization came without the help of a friend. So Seth, Thank you. Last night was wonderful... even if mister wine helped you have a little more to say then you normally would have. or, if mister wine had ALL the say. doesnt matter. I really appreciated. Just getting all that out really helped, even if I still feel like crying.
I havent been happy either.
I've done everything I could to try and keep the relationship going. I was exhausted. I am exhausted.
I shouldnt have had to ask you constantly, if you loved me. maybe that was a downfall. maybe if I hadnt started doing that, then we wouldnt have had any other problems. but we did. and I did, and I cant change that now.
I think I should have known for a while, that this was coming. I remember waking up, and you waking up.. and you kissing me and smiling. That turned into you growling and sneering, and me having to be ok that the first thing you did when you woke up was get on the internet and talk to people that werent me.
I needed you to tell me THEN, what was happening. But you didnt. And I kept on going, trying to carry the weight of the entire relationship on MY back. like a fool. Thinking it would work out, Thinking you'd love me forever.
I really did believe that.
I thought we'd be together forever. and ever. at least... until next tuesday.
I thought if I snuggled paz harder, you'd be there, telling me everything would be alright, if I could just make it one more night.
I needed you to call me.
I needed you to tell me you NEEDED me to come over- you missed me so hard you couldnt stand it.
I wanted you to offer the "I love you" instead of following suit.
I wished you could have done me the favour of at least breaking up with me in person.
for someone who loves you as much as I do... and who thought you loved me as much as I thought you did...
I think I deserved that.
I dont want to say things arent fixable. But you did.
I dont want to say that I hate you. I dont
I'm not mad, angry... nothing like that at all. I cared about you so much that I cant even blame you.
I wished for my own sake, that it hadnt happened. And if I expected you to stay with me even if you didnt have feelings, that would be wrong, and hurtful to both of us.
If you have no feelings for me, then so be it. thats you.
I think what hurts the most is that those feelings, the ones that I had for you for so long, that had been tended to every day for so long... until the very end "it will be alright andrea, I'm not breaking up with you. I dont want to not be your boyfriend, I just want some space" UNTIL THE MOMENT I LEFT YOUR HOUSE WITH MY CLOTHES!
they went away in 3 fucking days.
you say your friends noticed a change in you. that you're so much happier now, without me there.
I'm glad.
A relationship is hard work.
I know that, because I feel I put in A LOT of hardwork.
apparently, that work was too hard for you. And thats fine. Move on. Be happy. I wish you the best.
Its not so easy for me.
maybe if this had come at a better time. When I hadnt just had a nervous breakdown.
I dont know about you, but I used to think that if I was in a relationship with someone who loved me so much, and something that serious had happened to me, they would want to be there for me.
They would hold me, and comfort me, and tell me everything would be alright and they loved me and they didnt want me to go anywhere.
instead, the person I trusted, asked me to leave. It was too much to handle for him.
Well, what about me?
I knew, that it was over. I just wanted you to tell me. I DIDNT WANT TO BE STRUNG ALONG FOR A FREAKING WEEK BRIAN! I asked you to do that for me. and you didnt. you say you didnt know. How is it that I knew, and you didnt?
I needed you to hold me.
I needed kisses, and hugs, and warm thoughts.
I needed comfort, and knowing that everything WOULD be alright.
I needed you to get off the internet, and HOLD ME BRIAN.
Instead, you chatted it up with your fan club. and posted goofy pictures on your website. and downloaded more music. And made mix cd's for your new job.
And went to breakfast with your fanclub. When I needed you.
I had a nervous breakdown.
I couldnt stop crying.
I couldnt breathe.
I couldnt sleep.
I couldnt eat.
and you...
you asked me to leave.
Maybe its a good thing. Maybe not.
I love you. I really truely care about you. You were my everything.
and I've got to get over that.
Ok, so.. now that thats out. heh. I feel... worse.
*sigh*
I'll live. I needed to get that out I think. Now I just have to think of something to occupy my day.
Seth, I wanted to ask you about something... I wanted to know if you were THAT drunk, or if you were serious about the room thing. because, if you were.. let me know. *smile*
and if you werent, thats cool too. hehe..
I'll still us LJ I think.. just, not as often as before. I'll check my email.. but. yeah.
ok, bye guys.