i would love to bring you down.. put your feet back on the ground.
i feel utterly frustrated when i have my feelings dictated to me. it's like i'm forced to play a role in a movie whose script was written by someone else... this helpless feeling burns. even if that scriptwriter is someone whom i care about.
i like to be in control. the person behind the wheel, steering my own emotions. they are a part of me. why is it that, to set myself free and break down these thick walls i've built to defend myself, i have to let someone else take the wheel instead?
the way i see it... it's sort of a lose-lose situation. whichever path you choose, you're bound to lose something. the only question is, which would you rather lose?
i'm probably typing this through gritted teeth. it's like different thoughts floating inside my mind are playing endless rounds of tug-of-war with each other. one minute i feel like i'm sailing through the clouds and the next, i feel myself harshly dragged down, and pinned toward the cold, hard ground.
i struggle to brace myself through the currents that threaten to pull me back and forth with the tides. i refuse to let myself be blown about by the merciless wind. i need to know that even if everything i live for abandons me, i will still survive. standing steadfast. untarnished. unbroken.
but the tides and winds have proved to be too strong for me. my fingers slowly lose their grip and my feet give in, little by little. slowly but surely, the wind will eventually sweep me away on its wings. and i will be reduced to nothing but just another one of the particles of little dust that float ever so aimlessly in the air.
now the ugly truth dawns on me... that i was never strong enough. i am still not strong enough. all that i ever felt was that immense fear gripping my fragile heart. the fear that drives me to turn my back on the winds and the tides. all my life i'd turned my back and walked away, away, away. away from the anguish that hovers over the promised happiness. i find my faith in perfect solitude--in a neverland invented by my reliable companion, Imagination.
the solitude that i so dearly rely on makes me unique. it makes me somehow different. i am an individual, not another one of them sparkles of dust that hover aimlessly in the golden sunlight. i am invincible. because i belong to nobody but myself.
or maybe i am, in truth, even less than particles of dust. perhaps all that i am, is nothing at all. because fear drives me away from everything that can be touched, felt, and experienced.. i am like an artist's blank canvas--i am safe from the scars of oil paint, but devoid of anything beautiful that the artist is bound to create.
but i still fear. i feel the immense, uncontrollable need to just run away. run run run.
i am tired of running. i've been running all my life. once or twice i stopped. and breathed the air, filled my lungs with the intoxicating scent. but the air turned on me. it poisoned my blood and punctured my lungs. i had to run again, clutching my bleeding chest while trying in vain to drain the poison out.
i fear because i know that i may not be able to survive it all again.
i like to be in control. the person behind the wheel, steering my own emotions. they are a part of me. why is it that, to set myself free and break down these thick walls i've built to defend myself, i have to let someone else take the wheel instead?
the way i see it... it's sort of a lose-lose situation. whichever path you choose, you're bound to lose something. the only question is, which would you rather lose?
i'm probably typing this through gritted teeth. it's like different thoughts floating inside my mind are playing endless rounds of tug-of-war with each other. one minute i feel like i'm sailing through the clouds and the next, i feel myself harshly dragged down, and pinned toward the cold, hard ground.
i struggle to brace myself through the currents that threaten to pull me back and forth with the tides. i refuse to let myself be blown about by the merciless wind. i need to know that even if everything i live for abandons me, i will still survive. standing steadfast. untarnished. unbroken.
but the tides and winds have proved to be too strong for me. my fingers slowly lose their grip and my feet give in, little by little. slowly but surely, the wind will eventually sweep me away on its wings. and i will be reduced to nothing but just another one of the particles of little dust that float ever so aimlessly in the air.
now the ugly truth dawns on me... that i was never strong enough. i am still not strong enough. all that i ever felt was that immense fear gripping my fragile heart. the fear that drives me to turn my back on the winds and the tides. all my life i'd turned my back and walked away, away, away. away from the anguish that hovers over the promised happiness. i find my faith in perfect solitude--in a neverland invented by my reliable companion, Imagination.
the solitude that i so dearly rely on makes me unique. it makes me somehow different. i am an individual, not another one of them sparkles of dust that hover aimlessly in the golden sunlight. i am invincible. because i belong to nobody but myself.
or maybe i am, in truth, even less than particles of dust. perhaps all that i am, is nothing at all. because fear drives me away from everything that can be touched, felt, and experienced.. i am like an artist's blank canvas--i am safe from the scars of oil paint, but devoid of anything beautiful that the artist is bound to create.
but i still fear. i feel the immense, uncontrollable need to just run away. run run run.
i am tired of running. i've been running all my life. once or twice i stopped. and breathed the air, filled my lungs with the intoxicating scent. but the air turned on me. it poisoned my blood and punctured my lungs. i had to run again, clutching my bleeding chest while trying in vain to drain the poison out.
i fear because i know that i may not be able to survive it all again.