Rediscovery.
6 years since my last post. 16 years since my first. Half a lifetime ago. It's been a long, long time since I re-read any of the posts that I made here as an angsty teenager. Some made me cringe, others made me laugh, a few made me marvel at what a little wise girl I was, but most reminded me of events that I'd forgotten... and feelings that have faded so much with time, that I barely remember them.
15 1/2 years ago, I made this post below, and locked it so that it was for my eyes only. Today, I'm reposting it publicly, mostly because I untangled myself from this jumble of feelings a long time ago... because along the way, I learned to let go of the past, and because I never realized how much these events affected me, moulding me into the person that I am today.
If you know me, you'll probably know who it's about. I spent half my life loving him. As a young girl. As a teenager. As a young adult. Most of it from afar, almost all of it privately, inwardly. There are still so many questions left unanswered, but I am at peace now, because I know now what I did not know then: that he would never have been enough for me. For my force of will, for my indomitable character, and for my sheer, unbreakable spirit. For my insatiable quest to devour all that there is to learn about everything--from the essence of time to the depths of history and the beauty of literary prose. He was never the intellectual. Probably still isn't.
I am so many things, but the only thing that I never was and never will be, is one to compromise. I've never settled for half-anythings. And so, I take comfort in the knowledge that even if I'd done things differently 16 years ago, it would never have changed the final outcome. It would, however, have changed the experience in between. And that's an unknown that nobody will ever be able to answer.
"i'm staring at a picture of you and her. and this stings more than i thought it would. you look happy. and it's on her msn "user icon". maybe she loves you too. maybe that's why you were so happy. maybe that was what you meant when you said "i'm so right!" when i asked "how are you?". maybe i'm falling apart again. i don't know. maybe i never did mend. i don't know how i feel. when i saw the picture i think my heart fell. but then i think i lifted myself back up. i wish i didn't feel this way. i wish i could've stared at the picture and at least felt emptiness.
i guess this is the price to pay for being close to you again. i feel like dancing in the rain... maybe because it will give me the illusion that the raindrops will somehow, magically wash away this pain. or maybe it might just remind me of better times. i think i never realized how much this would still get to me. i don't understand why i still have this lingering feeling for you. i'm annoyed at myself because i can't be ignorant. i'm angry because i feel like i've been betrayed by my own thoughts. i feel the self-pity coming back to me.
"how stupid could i be?" Sarah McLachlan - Stupid. apparently, really REALLY stupid. one side of my brain tells me "i told you so". it makes me feel even STUPIDER to think that i didn't appreciate you when you loved me. and how i didn't say anything when you said "i'd do anything to go back". i wish i showed you how much i really loved you, and how a part of me died when i lost you. i wish i called you more often, saw you for just a minute longer each day... and imprinted a picture of your face upon my heart. i wish i told you "i love you"... i just didn't know that i'd lose you as soon as i did. i wish i did more than just stand on the bleachers and watch my life roll by. i wish... for once.. that i could have just one more day with you... back then. just one. if only i could turn back time. it would've been better than this feeling of perpetually missing you. i feel so regretful when i remember how you felt that i didn't care. that i didn't bother. although i did. so much. with all my heart. for all that i feel like curling up in my bed and staring into space. i want to get away from this place.
i hate it that you love her. because i look at her and i see perfection. i look at her and i look at me and i wonder why can't i be half as good? half as pretty? half as sweet? half as gorgeous? i feel cheated by your words of reassurance when i felt down because they all feel like lies now, although i know you really meant them--you wanted to make me feel better. i love you for that. for lifting my spirits up because no one else has the power to do that quite like you do. that's why i feel cheated i guess. because you're the only one who could say something nice and make me all right again and yet you can't.
i feel completely pathetic. i will have to make new promises to myself. so that i will never have to feel this way again. maybe i will be happy for you then. i think i am happy for you. i guess you deserve to be happier than me. no one should have to feel they way i feel. i just need to ask, why me? maybe one day i will understand. one day.."
Why am I reposting? Because of that final paragraph. I made a promise to myself. I don't remember anymore what it was, but I must have made a very good one, because I have never been made to feel that way ever again, but not the way you think. I made myself so untouchable, so unreachable, that I have never given another human being such power over my heart ever again. No promises. No beautiful memories. No regrets.
Along the years, I turned myself into this Greek myth sitting on a throne on Mount Olympus. To be seen, but never touched. To be smiled at, but never to be known. I created this little matrix in which I survived on my own, being kept alive with nothing but my sheer grit, sense of preservation, resourcefulness and my incredible will do it all ON MY OWN.
And I succeeded. Beyond my wildest dreams. My friends tell me I'm brave. Even the ones old enough to be my parents. They can't fathom how I've found it within me to move 10,000 miles away from home all alone. TWICE. And recreate my life from scratch. But in my mind? It was nothing. I did it the first time and got over my homesickness in 6 months. The second go around? It was nothing. Even with 6 dogs in tow. I barely even had to lean on anyone else. I put my mind to it, and I followed through. Every. Single. Time.
I've walked away from a multitude of people in my life since then. Some were even friends that I thought were for life. I walked away from them all, and felt nothing. I've gotten so good at turning my back and never looking back, that it's become something of a super power.
Whenever I think of my ability to separate actions from my emotions, it reminds me of Natalie Portman's character in "Closer", in which she says simply, "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye." It's such a poignant scene because throughout the movie, she never gives any inkling that she's anything but fiercely loyal. But yet, when she reaches her breaking point, she disentangles herself from all emotion and walks away without another look back.
I've grown up so much that there's almost nothing in this world that I'm afraid of anymore. But really, when you look closely and scrutinize this throne on Mount Olympus, a frightening realization will dawn on you. For everything that I've achieved in the last 16 years, for the incredible resilience, grit and sheer determination that I've acquired...
I have totally failed in my promise to my 18-year old self. I've never said "I love you". To anyone. I've never given anyone the power to turn me into a pit of emotional frailty again. I've never shown a single ounce of weakness, let alone be messed up enough to admit that seeing a photo could drive me to post a 500-word journal entry on how painful seeing it felt.
And the scariest part is... I don't even know how to fix it anymore. I don't know how to go back to being that emotional 18-year old. I don't know if she still even exists..
She probably doesn't. And on one hand, that makes me feel incredibly relieved.
On the other?
It's scary as fuck. Because I don't know if I am even capable of that depth of feeling anymore.