just empty streets and me walking home to clear my head.
I'm a liar. I lie. But only when it comes to answering questions that pry into my brain (or my heart?). I am completely incapable of telling anybody the truth.
When I'm sad and somebody asks me "what's wrong with you?" I tell them, "oh, nothing, I'm just tired." Sometimes I make up elaborate stories to go along with my pathetic excuses, just to make them sound more believable.
Whenever someone says, "you sound down today," I respond with something like, "it's been an awful day! I'm mad at X Y and Z" when really, it doesn't have anything at all to do with X Y and Z. Hell, who knows, maybe X Y and Z don't even exist.
I deflect, and I deflect so well. I've had years and years of practice. It's second nature now. It's a way for me to protect myself. And now I'm admitting it. I'm a liar and I've got a charade going on at anytime you see or talk to me.
I deflect by masking everything with meaningless words or anger. Most of the time when I sound mad, I'm really just sad but I can't bring myself to sound sad so I come out sounding angry instead.
And the funny part is that the only way I can actually admit what I'm feeling is when I'm using written words. It's so much easier to watch the letters flickering on the screen (or pen ink seeping through paper), slowly forming comprehensible words than to sit on a chair, staring at the ceiling and trying to form sentences from my throat.
I don't mean to lie. To pretend. But it's so ingrained in my head, in my thoughts and in my actions that it's my immediate reflex now. To just lie. It's easier to lie and get people off your backs than to tell the truth and face their judging stares. Okay, maybe I'm imagining the judging part half the time but you get what I mean.
And if you're reading this and you come up to me tomorrow and ask me "so what the hell was that about!?!" I am just going to look you in the eye and laugh it off, saying "oh, that was just a joke. I didn't mean a single word of it". Just because I'm fucked up like that.
When I'm sad and somebody asks me "what's wrong with you?" I tell them, "oh, nothing, I'm just tired." Sometimes I make up elaborate stories to go along with my pathetic excuses, just to make them sound more believable.
Whenever someone says, "you sound down today," I respond with something like, "it's been an awful day! I'm mad at X Y and Z" when really, it doesn't have anything at all to do with X Y and Z. Hell, who knows, maybe X Y and Z don't even exist.
I deflect, and I deflect so well. I've had years and years of practice. It's second nature now. It's a way for me to protect myself. And now I'm admitting it. I'm a liar and I've got a charade going on at anytime you see or talk to me.
I deflect by masking everything with meaningless words or anger. Most of the time when I sound mad, I'm really just sad but I can't bring myself to sound sad so I come out sounding angry instead.
And the funny part is that the only way I can actually admit what I'm feeling is when I'm using written words. It's so much easier to watch the letters flickering on the screen (or pen ink seeping through paper), slowly forming comprehensible words than to sit on a chair, staring at the ceiling and trying to form sentences from my throat.
I don't mean to lie. To pretend. But it's so ingrained in my head, in my thoughts and in my actions that it's my immediate reflex now. To just lie. It's easier to lie and get people off your backs than to tell the truth and face their judging stares. Okay, maybe I'm imagining the judging part half the time but you get what I mean.
And if you're reading this and you come up to me tomorrow and ask me "so what the hell was that about!?!" I am just going to look you in the eye and laugh it off, saying "oh, that was just a joke. I didn't mean a single word of it". Just because I'm fucked up like that.