Don't Think and Drive
by A. Valenzuela
Los Angeles, CA Citizens staged a protest today outside campuses around the nation. As finals week(s) draw near for colleges and universities, the safety conscious citizens of the United States are gathering again. This year, however, they have begun a more unified process. Cynthia Safety, of Orange County, began convincing those she knew to start a group designed to battle the threat to the roads that she, and others, felt was growing.
"These [colleges] are crazy," Safety told reporters this morning. "They don't care about what they're doing to students. And these students, who are studying until the cows come home, are going insane. This isn't safe for our roads! More deaths occur each finals season from student drivers who are falling asleep, or too busy thinking about Latin derivations and philosophers nobody in the real world cares about. If colleges stopped giving finals, we wouldn't have this problem!"
When asked what she thought would be a better solution, Safety began listing off a variety of ideas. Several protesters nearby offered their opinions as well. The favoured proposal to stopping exams and creating safer roads was raising the standard in class, and giving grades based on what students would need to know in real life. Paul Dropout, a fellow protester, and chairman of SAT--Sitizens Against Tests--said that finals "were a ploy from money-grubbing colleges who are just trying to destroy the economy and American values." Even some professors joined the anti-finals protesters, including an English professor who asked to remain anonymous. When asked why she was taking a stand against the very college she taught at, she explained, "I care more about my students learning. I don't want them to have to dose up on 5-hour energy drinks and possibly kill me as they ignore a light change in an intersection. Finals aren't necessary to see if a student knows what they're doing. It's far better to give them a research paper topic at the beginning of the course, so they can work on it all semester and not worry about any exams."
Other professors, however, see it differently. Phillip Final, spokesperson for Colleges United, objected to the protesters. "Their points are silly," Final said. "They are refusing to look at the matter from a rational perspective. They were probably just burned in school and are protesting over a C- they felt they were unfairly given. Not that it matters, they still graduated, didn't they? Besides, if we didn't give exams, we wouldn't be able to continue growing our zombie army with which to take over the world. Road safety is trivial when held in comparison to the important things in life. After all, who really cares how many people die in car accidents, or how the students feel? We're in this for power, not wishy-washy unicorns."
SAT told reporters that they plan to bring this to court, once and for all. No reply has been made from Colleges United, and at last check, they still haven't retained a lawyer. Several students at a nearby college told us in confidence that they fear that rather than arguing it out in the judicial system, like normal Americans, Colleges United will resort to absolute warfare -- revealing the true extent of their zombie army. And what better time than now, when they have a fresh crop ripe for the picking?
Los Angeles, CA Citizens staged a protest today outside campuses around the nation. As finals week(s) draw near for colleges and universities, the safety conscious citizens of the United States are gathering again. This year, however, they have begun a more unified process. Cynthia Safety, of Orange County, began convincing those she knew to start a group designed to battle the threat to the roads that she, and others, felt was growing.
"These [colleges] are crazy," Safety told reporters this morning. "They don't care about what they're doing to students. And these students, who are studying until the cows come home, are going insane. This isn't safe for our roads! More deaths occur each finals season from student drivers who are falling asleep, or too busy thinking about Latin derivations and philosophers nobody in the real world cares about. If colleges stopped giving finals, we wouldn't have this problem!"
When asked what she thought would be a better solution, Safety began listing off a variety of ideas. Several protesters nearby offered their opinions as well. The favoured proposal to stopping exams and creating safer roads was raising the standard in class, and giving grades based on what students would need to know in real life. Paul Dropout, a fellow protester, and chairman of SAT--Sitizens Against Tests--said that finals "were a ploy from money-grubbing colleges who are just trying to destroy the economy and American values." Even some professors joined the anti-finals protesters, including an English professor who asked to remain anonymous. When asked why she was taking a stand against the very college she taught at, she explained, "I care more about my students learning. I don't want them to have to dose up on 5-hour energy drinks and possibly kill me as they ignore a light change in an intersection. Finals aren't necessary to see if a student knows what they're doing. It's far better to give them a research paper topic at the beginning of the course, so they can work on it all semester and not worry about any exams."
Other professors, however, see it differently. Phillip Final, spokesperson for Colleges United, objected to the protesters. "Their points are silly," Final said. "They are refusing to look at the matter from a rational perspective. They were probably just burned in school and are protesting over a C- they felt they were unfairly given. Not that it matters, they still graduated, didn't they? Besides, if we didn't give exams, we wouldn't be able to continue growing our zombie army with which to take over the world. Road safety is trivial when held in comparison to the important things in life. After all, who really cares how many people die in car accidents, or how the students feel? We're in this for power, not wishy-washy unicorns."
SAT told reporters that they plan to bring this to court, once and for all. No reply has been made from Colleges United, and at last check, they still haven't retained a lawyer. Several students at a nearby college told us in confidence that they fear that rather than arguing it out in the judicial system, like normal Americans, Colleges United will resort to absolute warfare -- revealing the true extent of their zombie army. And what better time than now, when they have a fresh crop ripe for the picking?