RSGNM Chapter 13.7
With shaky fingers, I set the test down on the bathroom counter, and then washed my hands as I steadily counted to 180. The counting helped. It gave me something to focus on, other than my frayed nerves.
I was three days late, and I had to know. I’m not one of those women who could sit around waiting for weeks, trying to believe that if I don’t think about it, it won’t come true. I’m either pregnant, or I’m not. Thinking about it or not thinking about it is not going to change it. so I might as well know for sure.
178…179…180.
I stood with my eyes closed for a few more seconds. This was a moment that could change my life forever. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt a chill rise up my spine even as my palms were damp with sweat.
Steeling myself, I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened my eyes…and was actually shocked to see no second line. I picked up the stick and brought it up for a closer look, squinting. Not even a shadow of a line. Nothing.
I blew out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding, and felt almost light-headed with relief. I sagged onto the lip of the bathtub and sobbed. I had been so convinced it would be positive-I was never late-but I guess stress can delay a period, too. God knows I had enough stress to do the job.
As I walked slowly out of the bathroom, Lois was there, wringing her hands.
“So?”
”It was negative.” A slow smile spread over my face. “I’m not pregnant!”
Lois and I both squealed and did a hug-dance around the living room.
“I’m so relieved for you, Anya.”
”Thanks, Lo. Me too.”
Lois had tried her best, after the incident, to convince me to go to the police. I had refused-I knew it was useless. Countless people saw me dancing with Beau, and watched me leave with him willingly. Those same people had probably seen me do the same thing several times with other men. No one would believe I hadn’t been into it, this time.
Lo had also been concerned when she saw the marks on my neck. She wouldn’t leave me alone until I let her get a good look at them, and then she’d gasped, “Anya, did this guy have weird eyes? Did you feel strange when he looked at you?”
“I….I guess so. It’s all kind of hazy, up until the pain started.”
“I think I know what he was. Anya, none of this was your fault.”
That’s when I learned that vampires are real, and that they were in Bridgeport. Apparently, they had some ability to make you think about them-to make themselves irresistible. Lois apologized for not telling me outright, but she had been afraid I’d just laugh and wouldn’t believe her. Now that I think about it, Dad was against my moving to Bridgeport as well, and had said it was a dangerous place, and I’d blown him off, too.
Suddenly, I felt very stupid. The people who loved me had tried to protect me, and I’d ignored them.
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My experience with Beau had caused me to seriously re-think the way I was living my life. What if I had become pregnant, by him or any of the other random men I fooled around with? Sure, everyone except that asshole Beau had readily agreed to using protection, but anything but abstinence is never 100% foolproof.
I thought about me trying to raise a baby on my own in the city, and the thought terrified me. I knew I wasn’t ready, and I couldn’t have been more thankful that the test had been negative, after all.
In the weeks since the night with Beau, a position had finally opened up at the restaurant at which Lois worked, and I applied right away. They liked my previous experience, and hired me on the spot as a line cook. I made more than twice as much as I had moonlighting, and it was something I truly loved doing. Plus, it kept me out of the clubs, which was a good thing. I definitely felt like I’d had enough of Bridgeport’s “night life” for some time. When I wasn’t at work, I was practicing my cooking at home, hoping to impress the higher-ups.
It felt good to be cooking again. It felt right. Maybe it’s just that I was channeling all my passion away from men and into my profession, but that was fine with me. I’d had enough of men for a while, too.
A couple months passed, until Lois and Lincoln asked me to join them in the living room-they wanted to talk to me. Ugh, I hate it when people say they “want to talk.” Can’t you just talk, instead of talking about talking? It always made me nervous.
And so, as they sat on the couch and I fidgeted nervously in the chair for a few moments, I uneasily broke the silence.
“So, what’s up, guys? Is everything all right?”
Lois flashed Lincoln a shy smile before turning back to me. “Anya, Lincoln asked me to marry him.”
“Oh my God, congrats, you two!” I exclaimed. They laughed and thanked me, and then Lois spoke again.
“I’ve said yes, but on one condition. I want Lincoln and I to live together for a while first. Just to…try each other on, you know?”
“As if,” I scoffed. “You guys are perfect for each other! Honestly, I’m surprised it took you this long to propose, Lincoln.”
Of course, I realized most people were better with delayed gratification than I was. Hey, I knew my own failings. But Lois and Lincoln…they just complemented each other so well. I knew they’d last, even if Lo wasn’t sure yet.
“Well, I agree that she’s definitely the one for me,” Lincoln chuckled. “Be that as it may, I have agreed to her terms. What we need to ask you though, is whether it’s okay with you if I move in.”
Of course I said yes. Really, they didn’t even have to ask me. The lease was in Lois’s name alone, and she had the right to let anyone she wanted move in. Still, it was nice of them to think of me and ask my opinion. I’m a little ashamed to admit I doubt I would have been so thoughtful, if I was in Lois’s shoes.
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As I had suspected, it took only three months for Lois to come to the realization that Lincoln fit her like a glove. I had been spending a lot of extra time at work, and I’d never tell them this, but it’s because the atmosphere at home was too cloying for me. Once again, I felt like a third wheel. It was still so hard for me to be in the company of such a happy couple, when I knew that just wasn’t in the books for me.
Still, I was honored when Lois asked me to be her maid of honor. They had a small, but beautiful wedding in the butterfly sanctuary, and I really was happy for them. I still hoped I could experience that kind of joy someday, but as time passed, the possibility began to seem more and more unlikely.
For one thing, I just wasn’t interested in dating anyone. Deep down, I guess I was scared. What if someone else took advantage of me like Beau had? But, even before that had happened, something had been wrong with me. Why had I felt the need to be such a…well, slut, to put it bluntly. Even back when I was a teenager, with Jeff, I had been overly interested in that sort of thing, and it had ultimately cost me my relationship with him.
It all pointed to one conclusion: Something inside me just wasn’t right, and hadn’t been right for a long time. How will I ever find true love if I’m broken?