just watch me fall apart...
You know what I just discovered? I just read every entry i've written in here, and you can actually see my happiness deteriorate. Neat.
Since I'm here I might as well say something. Tonight was boring, but it wasnt that bad. Better then staying in. On friday I'm going to go to Wonderland with Dan, Bryan, and ***hopefully*** Dan's girlfriend Meagan. I miss her, she's cool.
Tonight I couldn't feel my legs and I almost threw up in the field. This is because i had a lovely surprise. Me and Dan biked down to Berwick, expecting to see the usual people. Matt was there. As soon as I saw him I got a bad case of the vomitting butterflies, and my legs went to nothing. Then it started to rain. Just heightening the depressing atmosphere. So I walked away and into the feild. When I was on my way back, he was on his way home. Coincidence? I think not. Also on MSN tonight, he was lovely enough to not even say bye. Don't you just adore being in love with those that want nothing to do with you anymore? I sure do...[not].
I'm having trouble with my faith life. I mean, I'm a strong believer in God, but I'm not sure that I agree with all the Bible stuff. I think I'm going to make my own religion so to speak. Like take bits and pieces of what I believe and put it all together. Of course, I will be mainly Catholic, believing in one God, and Jesus being his son, and the Holy Trinity being one person, but yeah. It's just getting so confusing and I'm not really understanding the meaning of life at all. I feel as if life is pointless, like really, I can't find a reason to be living at all. I mean, what could it be? What's the purpose at all? Everything has got to have a purpose right? I believe in fate, completely and fully. Things happen because they are supposed to happen, they are the right things to happen. We may not understand why they are happening but one day, one day we will understand. Everything will finally make sense and that's when we will be truly happy. I also believe that in contrast we have free will, yet, with fate combined, that chooses our destiny. Like if situation "a" happens to us by fate, we can use free will to either react to this situation with option "b", "c" etc. From then on, fate has a set path for each decision or action. But I don't think Catholics are supposed to believe in fate. Also, I'm a fan of tarot cards, divination, and the supernatural. Completely shunned by the Catholic church. However, I think some people have it wrong. God loves us all, Jewish, Muslim, Israeli, Catholic, Protestant, and Atheist alike. As long as we live in harmony with one another, and love everyone, then God will welcome us with open arms. Just generally be a good person, and God will be totally fine with it, religion won't matter.
I don't know why I really went on about that. It just came out...weird, but relaxing. Anyways, I've kept you long enough, payce.
[love]hilarylamb