The Lies I Tell Myself
I tell myself that it's over... but it's not. It always circles back around. This morning Chapel was very interesting. Talking about how sin really does have long reaching consquences, which is true and you never realize it at the time. You think that if you can get away with it in the moment things will all be gud and that once it's over it's in the past and doesn't matter. Not so. Not if you don't deal with it. Sin truly has away of not only coming back, but making a huge difference in your life. Much later on in the future, it can haunt you. Even if it's in your sub conscience, it's always there lurking beneath the surface.
Today in Prep for the 21st Century we listened to a sermon to college students and stuff. It was all about how we lie to ourselves, thinking that the Christian life is a joint effort, when really it's impossible for us to truly live a Christian life. Only Christ really did it, and it's all Him. However, this doesn't mean we just go on our way and say, "Well what do you expect of me? I'm just a sinner." whenever you sin. You can't just shrug stuff like that off. (like I said, there's consequences to your actions. Some more serious than others.)
Every day you have to rely on Christ to live in and through you... He has to be my source of life so that I don't fall into sin.
I keep telling myself that all these untold memories will dissapear. I've talked to Hunter about a few things that went on... but my mind continually re-hashes some things. I'm struggling right now, to be honest. Life is still a hard journey. I feel like I'm underwater and trying to run, or like I'm in a horror movie and no matter how fast I sprint, the darkness is always right there, wherever I go. I hate this feeling. I wish there was some magic solution to get rid of it, but there isn't an end except in death.
"to die is gain..."
Even though I convince myself and sometimes others that things are alright, and every now and then (on the surface) they are, there are certain deep things that I struggle with.
To change the subject quickly, I'm quitting my job today and looking forward to that. I feel trapped there, and when I quit I think I might feel somewhat relieved. I feel like I'm sweeping that endless line of dust in life... it just never stops, never gets easier. Then I realize that there ARE those times. Times that are good and fun. Times when God's love is so overwhelming that it brings tears. Times when friendship brings such contentment and joy that the laughter brings tears. Times when Christ is my best friend and He is right there with me, helping me along, talking with me. Times when I actually do make a difference, when I actually am a tool in His hands.
"to live is Christ..."
So despite the grief and moral decay which eats away at me and keeps me up at night, God can change me. When you sin it's like jumping off a building. It's really hard to turn around. Impossible, maybe... but not actually. Not with God, "with God all things are possible." God is the only one that can take a broken heart, life, body and turn it around. God is the only one who can catch me mid jump and bring me back up. God really is the only one who lifts me up and allows me to soar as if on the wings of the eagles.
Forgiveness is a huge part of love that I lack right now. Forgiving myself and every one else too. Some other things in the back of my mind still bother me. I wish I could let them all come out, but some things are too deeply ingrained to figure out all at once.
Realizing a problem is the first step to curing it. So I pray that God will open my eyes, (since only God can) and help me to realize where my faults are, and then also help me to turn from those sins. I hate the consequences, and I hate the pain. Next time I'm tempted to sin, perhaps I should remember that...
Today in Prep for the 21st Century we listened to a sermon to college students and stuff. It was all about how we lie to ourselves, thinking that the Christian life is a joint effort, when really it's impossible for us to truly live a Christian life. Only Christ really did it, and it's all Him. However, this doesn't mean we just go on our way and say, "Well what do you expect of me? I'm just a sinner." whenever you sin. You can't just shrug stuff like that off. (like I said, there's consequences to your actions. Some more serious than others.)
Every day you have to rely on Christ to live in and through you... He has to be my source of life so that I don't fall into sin.
I keep telling myself that all these untold memories will dissapear. I've talked to Hunter about a few things that went on... but my mind continually re-hashes some things. I'm struggling right now, to be honest. Life is still a hard journey. I feel like I'm underwater and trying to run, or like I'm in a horror movie and no matter how fast I sprint, the darkness is always right there, wherever I go. I hate this feeling. I wish there was some magic solution to get rid of it, but there isn't an end except in death.
"to die is gain..."
Even though I convince myself and sometimes others that things are alright, and every now and then (on the surface) they are, there are certain deep things that I struggle with.
To change the subject quickly, I'm quitting my job today and looking forward to that. I feel trapped there, and when I quit I think I might feel somewhat relieved. I feel like I'm sweeping that endless line of dust in life... it just never stops, never gets easier. Then I realize that there ARE those times. Times that are good and fun. Times when God's love is so overwhelming that it brings tears. Times when friendship brings such contentment and joy that the laughter brings tears. Times when Christ is my best friend and He is right there with me, helping me along, talking with me. Times when I actually do make a difference, when I actually am a tool in His hands.
"to live is Christ..."
So despite the grief and moral decay which eats away at me and keeps me up at night, God can change me. When you sin it's like jumping off a building. It's really hard to turn around. Impossible, maybe... but not actually. Not with God, "with God all things are possible." God is the only one that can take a broken heart, life, body and turn it around. God is the only one who can catch me mid jump and bring me back up. God really is the only one who lifts me up and allows me to soar as if on the wings of the eagles.
Forgiveness is a huge part of love that I lack right now. Forgiving myself and every one else too. Some other things in the back of my mind still bother me. I wish I could let them all come out, but some things are too deeply ingrained to figure out all at once.
Realizing a problem is the first step to curing it. So I pray that God will open my eyes, (since only God can) and help me to realize where my faults are, and then also help me to turn from those sins. I hate the consequences, and I hate the pain. Next time I'm tempted to sin, perhaps I should remember that...