Beauty is in everything - Gabilliam story
Gabe rifled through his sock drawer. He pushed a long rainbow colored knee high aside to reveal a black tape case. His tan fingers trembled as he picked it up. There was no cover art, just a piece of masking tape with To Gabe written on it in big blue lettering. His breath hitched in his throat, and the drummer in his chest stepped up the beat. Gabe didn’t know exactly why he chose to watch the tape on that particular day. He could’ve watched it surrounded by his family, people who would support him and make him feel better when he turned into a big blubbering mess, but no. He chose to watch it by himself on a cold winter’s night at one am.
He slipped on his fuzzy purple slippers and padded down the hallway to the television room. The moon shone through the bay windows in a nostalgic manner, reminiscent of nights he spent curled up on the couch with his baby, trying to stay warm. The faded floral fabric invited Gabe to sit, and so he did. The cushions were cold from lack of body heat, creating goose bumps on his skin. He toyed with the plastic box in his hands, little shreds of it coming off in his fingers. He closed his eyes and opened it with a little crinkling sound. The smell of a new video cassette greeted his nose, and his brown eyes opened slowly.
-PLAY-
It looked just like any other tape, black with two white circles on either half, but to Gabe it meant so much more. He took it out and dropped to his knees in front of his television. He pulled out the Vhs player from the closet he hadn't used in years and smiled a little bit. It was like William to record everything on old technology no one used anymore. Gabe plugged all the snake like wires in and popped the video in. He sat back uncomfortably on the edge of the couch.
The video crackled to life with an overhead shot of a bed, a twin bed with Pokémon bed covers. Long legs stretched across the expanse clad with tight jeans. Gabe's heart ached a little at that. He had forgotten how much he loved seeing those skinny little things draped over anything and everything. The legs led up to a small torso with a big LED ZEPPELIN emblazoned on the front. A long pale neck shot out of the shirt with the face of an angel on top of it. William's long hair was a mess around him. It was in his face, down his shirt, and under his back, but to Gabe it was beautiful. William's big puppy dog brown eyes stared up at Gabe, a crooked smile painted on. Suddenly his lips parted, and fear started building in Gabe's stomach. What would he say?
"Hello Gabe!" he said cheerfully.
"I know that now that I’m gone this probably won't mean anything but...," Your words will always mean the world to me, Gabe thought.
"I love you," Gabe gasped. He reached for the clicker.
-PAUSE-
Gabe leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and cradled his head in his hands. He had to catch his breath. Sure, William had told Gabe that he loved him dozens of times, but it had been almost three years since he had heard William say that, with the little movement he makes with his mouth, biting his lip, holding on to the u a little too long, creating a hissing noise. Gabe composed himself and nervously clicked the play button once again.
-PLAY-
William unfroze, and it really seemed as if the dead were coming back to life.
"I really do Gabe. You're amazing in every way, and you're beautiful," Gabe laughed a bit at this. Bilvy you're the beautiful one.
"You're always calling me beautiful, but I never returned the compliment," William sat up and adjusted the camera so that his whole body was visible sitting on the edge of the bed. He fiddled with his fingers and sat with his knees turned in towards each other. He left little bite marks on his lips before turning his gaze back up at the camera.
"I don't really know why I never said it back to you. Perhaps I was too afraid to come to terms with my own sexuality. Or maybe I was too insecure to acknowledge anything that might make me feel inferior. Or maybe I was just an asshole. Whatever the reason is, I want to make it up to you now," he gestured to the enormous bookcase of tapes behind him.
"I try to capture everything amazing, beautiful, and terrifying when I film. At one point or another, you've fit all of the criteria, and I've been lucky enough to catch those moments on film," he smiled that heartbreaking smile and stood up. Gabe had forgotten how tall his former boyfriend was. William wasn't taller than Gabe, but he wasn't average either. He sat back down holding one of the many tapes in his hand.
"This is a tape of the time we first met," he pushed it into the slot.
"I wa-a-a-a-sss ju-u-u-st an acne prone young adult messing around with my camera, filming the autumn leaves dance around the pavement," he finished. Gabe closed his eyes at the little stutter. He missed it so much. William hated it, but it just reminded Gabe that William was human. It happened when Bill was nervous or when he was thinking too hard. Gabe wondered which one was the cause for that little stammer.
William zoomed up on the television screen playing that old tape. It was shaky like in a horror movie, but Gabe knew it was just because Bill was cold. Sure enough, there were the small brown leaves blowing up and over and under. They were being tossed about like ragdolls. Gabe marveled at, in the back of his mind, how William could find beauty in such simple everyday occurrences. The camera shifted down so that it was filming Bill's shoes, scuffed up converse high tops. The leaves blew over him, one clinging to the laces.
"Something interesting happening I can't see?" someone off screen, not William, said. The camera suddenly shot upwards. It was Gabe. William stayed mute. Gabe pressed on.
"You look a little cold kid. Want me to buy you something warm to drink? Some hot chocolate?" Gabe's white teeth flashed as a smile, and he walked off down the road, gesturing for William to follow him. But William stayed just a few feet away from him so he could film the back of Gabe. William then turned the camera towards himself. He raised his eyebrows, bit his lip, and squealed quietly like a little school girl, before turning it back at Gabe. Bill had filmed the entire encounter up until the point Gabe asked him on a date. At that point William had dropped the camera on the ground, Gabe remembered that much, and said yes.
Bill stopped the video so he could adjust the camera back at himself.
"I thought you were gorgeous from the moment you commented from off screen. I thought you looked gorgeous, but I also thought you were a sweetheart for offering me a drink," Bill flipped his hair over his shoulder and grabbed something behind him and held it up for Gabe to view. It was the Viva La Cobra album.
"We went on a few dates, and then before I knew it, Pete had signed Cobra Starship to my label. I had never heard you sing until TAI went on tour with you guys. I filmed the first show I ever saw, from the pit," he smirked a bit at this.
"Cobra had so much energy I just couldn't help but get wrapped up in it all. I was dancing, moshing, and even crowd surfing until you sang Pop Punk is sooooo 05. I know Cobra Starship doesn't take itself seriously, but you have to admit, there's some meaning behind that song, and even if there isn't, I, being the sentimental emo kid that I am, found meaning behind it. You sang everything with such passion especially that song. You're voice was beautiful to me. It wasn't perfect, but it was perfect in its imperfections," he then took the second tape out and pushed it in.
-PAUSE-
Gabe looked at his CD rack. None of his The Academy Is… CDs were in the rack. They were all tucked away under his bed. He felt guilty. Here Bilvy was saying how much he loved Gabe’s singing, and Gabe couldn’t bear to hear William’s voice. Gabe made a mental note to take the CDs out and play them through when he was done with the video.
-PLAY-
This video was even shakier than the last. The kids in front of William had crazy colored hair, and Gabe noted that a couple were trying to grope Bill innapropriately. The camera zoomed in on the stage. Gabe stood in his obnoxious apparel, belting out Pop Punk. Right then and there, William seemed to make the silent decision to get as close to the stage as possible because he was then hoisted up on the shoulders of two teenage boys and being catapulted forward.
“Keep me moving. I want to go see Gabe!” He shouted endearingly at the children.
“Aren’t you William Beckett?” One Girl with raccoon eyes asked.
“Yeah,” then there was a massive shriek from all the surrounding people and William tumbled down onto the floor. Gabe felt the itch to reach through the television and save his Bilvy, but the with sadness, realized he couldn’t.
Some snot nosed kid was trying to rip the clothes off of him, and Gabe silently thanked God that Bill wore his clothes too tight for easy entry. Then, the Gabe in the film ended his song and pointed at the commotion happening in the crowd.
“Hey...hey that’s Bill!” He shouted frantically.
“All of you dickwads trying to rape William get off or I’ll call security and press charges!” Gabe roared into the microphone. The kids obliged and the very scruffy Beckett stood up.
“All of you nice cobrahs and cobrahdettes can you please pick him up and GENTLY deliver him to the stage? Thank you,” Gabe finished. William was promptly delievered, and he waved and thanked the kids that helped him.
“That was awesome,” he whispered in Gabe’s ear before retiring backstage. At the time, Gabe thought William was refering to the crowd surfing, but in fact, he was refering to the song.
The tape ended and Bill was once again sitting in front of the camera. Only this time he was laughing hysterically. Gabe missed that musical laugh, that infectious chuckle which always got the rest of the room rip roaring as well.
“That was one of the craziest things in my life,” William breathlessly exclaimed, clutching his side.
“After the tour ended you and I became more serious. I mean, we still played Wolverine Vrs. Spiderman in our spare time, but we acted like a couple more,” William said looking down at his lap.
“One thing led to another and one night we gave in to each other. Yes, we had sex,” he said with a blush forming on his cheeks.
“It wasn’t super amazing life changing sex. In fact, it kind of sucked, but it was with you and that made it interesting and beautiful. I, unfortunately, didn’t film the actual sex. You didn’t let me remember?” He asked accusingly.
“But I did film the tender, anxious, time before it,” he said, popping yet another tape into the player.
The scene opened with a close up of Gabe’s face. It was bad quality, probably filmed with Bill’s phone or a really bad camera.
“You’re cute naked Bill,” Gabe said sitting on an office chair. Bill giggled from out of frame.
“Well, let’s see if I can say the same thing about you bad boy. Take off your pants!” Gabe waggled his eyebrows but complied. He slowly unbuttoned his jeans, and then yawned to prolong the action. He was moving in slow motion, and it was making Bill very impatient.
“Let me do it for you!” William shouted shrilly. The camera was set on the bed, and William scrambled off it to get to Gabe.
Gabe smiled a little at this as he watched. He had a bit of a fetish for William doing things to him while he was clothed and William was not. Plus, it had been so long since he had seen Bill in his most vulnerable state, naked.
Bill fumbled with the tight jeans, and pulled them hastily down. He zoomed in on Gabe’s hard cock, and then he zoomed out on Gabe’s face. Gabe smirked.
“No, you cannot film us having sex. That would be pornography Bilvy,” Gabe stated reaching for the camera.
“Oh and why is it that you have virtually no treasure trail or chest hair?” Gabe had hold of the camera now. Bill just looked up at him, laughed, and flipped him off before the screen went black.
-PAUSE-
Gabe looked around. He was kind of sad that Bill didn’t have the ‘first time’ everyone raved about when they hooked up with him. He felt bad, because he was getting horny thinking about that last tape. It wasn’t supposed to turn you on Saporta! You’re supposed to be remembering him and admiring all the good things he’s done, not masturbating to a picture of him. That little rant got rid of his woody, and he was suddenly very glad he chose not to watch the film with other members of his family.
-PLAY-
Bill was once again in front of the camera.
“Although that time wasn’t the best time I’d ever had, we practiced enough so that it was perfected,” he said teasingly.
“Remember how I said that I film things that are beautiful, amazing, and terrifying? Well, here’s that last criteria filled. We had been dating for two years. We spent nearly every day together. I knew we were meant to be together. I know you’re not all lovey dovey like that Gabe, but I’ve always been that way so I thought I knew. I-I-I-I-I u-u-aa-a-h... never mind. Just watch the video,” he said sadly and pushed the video in.
-PAUSE-
Gabe’s heart flew up into his throat. He knew what was coming. He had no clue Bill had filmed it though. Fear rippled through every muscle in Gabe’s body. He felt hot tears streaming down his face, but he still pressed play on the clicker. He needed to see it.
-PLAY-
Gabe was sitting down on the twin bed with the Pokémon sheets. William was kneeling on one knee in front of him. Gabe clawed at his face, wanting so much to turn away, but at the same time knowing he couldn’t.
William’s arms, legs, everything was trembling. He held out a little box in his little hand and said,
“W-w-w-will you m-marry me?” He flashed a smile. Gabe balled up his fists. His chest rose in fell slowly, deliberately. William’s eyes became clouded with fear as he backed away from the bed. Gabe snapped.
“Why the hell would I marry you, you little…Faggot?!” Gabe screamed. William bit his lip and tried to hold it together, but he couldn’t, he was like a single brick trying compensate for a dam to hold back a river. The tears poured from his eyes. He curled up into a ball in the corner of his room. Gabe stalked over to him, kicked his thigh and shouted some more.
“I can’t go public with you! Think about what my family would think! Think about what my fans would think! My whole fucking career would be shot because you can’t keep your sexual urges to yourself! William just whimpered and let his hair fall as a curtain. Gabe sighed and pushed his hair back.
“I was so stupid even to entertain you! God, I just…You can’t even finish a fucking sentence!” Gabe gestured violent down at the ball of bones beneath him.
“How am I supposed to go through life with someone who can’t even propose without stuttering?” He grabbed his coat and made for the door. William tried to get out before him, but Gabe pulled on his long hair, sending him flying to the back of the room. William got up, stumbled, and there was an earth shattering smash as the enormous bay window shattered and William fell out. Then the tape showed static.
Bill came back into view sitting on the bed. He was crying. For the first time since the beginning of the video Gabe noticed something. Bill didn’t look healthy. He was too pale, even for himself, and his beautiful brown eyes had dark purple rings around them. It was then Gabe realized that the video was taken mere hours before William passed. Gabe suddenly felt like two trains had collided head on with his heart. He, the man that so called ‘loved’ William, had caused him grief in the last hours of his life. Bill dried his eyes and coughed into his elbow.
“I want you to know Gabey Babey; I don’t hold you responsible for any of this. I know you were just scared when I proposed, you didn’t mean any of that. I still do and always will love you. But after I fell out of the window it was all downhill. I had so many cuts and a few broken bones. My immune system weakened and I caught pneumonia. You were such a sweetheart; you visited me every single day while I was in the hospital. You told me how much you loved me and my voice all the time. No one else was as nice as you. You were optimistic even when the nurse told you that I was really bad off. I don’t know if you went home and cried about it after you saw me, but thank you for keeping it together while you were with me. Today the nurse let me go home, because she didn’t want me to die in a hospital,” he turned around to cough up blood into a trash can.
“After all those years together I never ever doubted our relationship. Not even after the incident. I saw the beauty in every hardship that was thrown at us, and you never stopped seeing the beauty in me. So here I am Gabe, trying to repay the years of compliments you gave to me,” He smiled his smile that made Gabe all warm and fuzzy inside.
“Gabe, I love you, and you’re bea…,” William froze. Gabe’s warm and fuzzy feeling slipped away. The fear came whooshing back to Gabe. He ran up to the television and shook it.
William’s big brown eyes closed and his head drooped to the side. He fell back onto the bed. Gabe looked at the time. There was ten minutes left of the movie. So Gabe waited. Tears flowed freely, staining the expensive rug. He wasn’t moving. Two minutes left of the movie William’s mother burst into the room. William’s chest wasn’t moving anymore. Gabe was clawing at the rug. She shrieked and listened for William’s heart beat. She ran out crying, and Gabe watched with despair as William’s dad rushed in and frantically switched off the VCR.
-STOP-
Gabe pressed the eject button, and took the tape in his hands. He wiped his tears from his face and stood up. He grabbed the black case from the couch and walked into the living room. He took one look at the tape before he tossed both items into the fire. The fire swallowed up William. Gabe smiled, knowing that no one else will ever have to see something so beautiful die.