"Though the sorrows may last through the night, His joy comes in the morning"
Today was a good day...no I think it was a great day. I had a moment of clarity that actually started last night. I don't know why or how...maybe it was that I got to talk to you...sort of, ok not really, but there was an exchange, and I don't know, everything just made sense, and I finally got that peace that I've been praying for since Thursday night. I smiled today...a lot, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I'm not 100%, but I feel like I know the purpose now and I know what I have to do, and I have an idea of what you're supposed to be doing as well.
The Lord is so amazing and He never ceases to reach down and flex his authority and control when he needs to, and he DID need to. I wasn't being a good steward of what he had given me, and I know now that His purpose was not to steal from me, but to simply ask me to give something up so that He could show me what I needed to fix, before He could give it back to me.
My biggest flaw is nothing more or less than too much of my best attribute. I love...a lot. I love people like there's no tomorrow, and at times I've assigned too much importance to people. That's not to say those people aren't important, but I'm afraid I'm guilty of sometimes putting people in front of God. It's not a blatant, "hey, I'm going to put you in front of God" thing, it's subtle and much more dangerous because most often I don't even realize I'm doing it. What I'm supposed to be learning is that I only have one person to rely on, and that's Jesus Christ. I have people in my life that I know will always be there for me, but just because they're always there, it doesn't mean they can always help me...just like I can't always help them. The lesson that I have to learn (if we're going to shrink it down to fit in a nutshell) is; I can't call you until my first instinct is NOT to call you. When I'm hurting...it truly depends on the situation, but more often than I care to admit, I seek the comfort and support of my friends before I do the Lord. This is a huge weakness, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but part of the new life I've been granted is about coming to terms with the seemingly insignificant things that work together to cause a huge problem in my life.
I was so hurt over what the Lord had asked me to do that I didn't want to see why he asked me to give it up. I was trying to find some huge noble purpose that He was picking me to play a part in, but what He really intended was to humble me, and let me tell you, I needed it. That sounds strange coming out of my mouth...a mouth that is more often than not riddled with self-abasing humor, and not exactly known for singing high self-esteem praises. I needed to be reminded who was in control. I guess I thought I was ruling my own little corner of the snowglobe and the Lord saw fit to shake it up so that I remembered that HE is the one with the power and the master plan. I'm so confident, I'm so at ease about this, that I've been worried all day that maybe I'm just making this all up, but then I remember where I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that, and I KNOW that nothing but the light of God's Grace could have granted me this peace. I've been transformed by the renewing of my mind. It's started already, and I'm trusting God to finish it in his time. My flesh wants to be anxious and hurry this process up so that I can get back what I gave up, but my flesh has been rather subdued today...I think it knows it doesn't stand a chance. Proverbs says: "The fear of God is the root of all knowledge", and I believe that 100%. If man does not fear God and his punishment, he will never see his need for a savior, and sometimes the Lord has to scare us to the very core of our beings in order to make his point clear.
Would I have changed what the Lord is fixing in me now had he not humbled me and chastised me like the child that I am? Probably not. Sure, I would LOVE to think that he could have reached me another way, but knowing me and my stubborn self...probably not. I passed the first test by saying "okay" when He said, "I need you to give me this." Now, I have to pass the tests that He is going to give me every single day. I have to continue leaning on Him, and recondition myself to come to Him first always, and never second, third, or last. I'm a big fan of communication...both verbal and non-verbal, so I think that's why I always wanted to find the answers here on Earth first. Even if it's telling me the wrong thing, sometimes a soothing voice is all (I think) I need to hear, and there's nothing that beats a good hug when you're hurting...but those things, they're temporary, they don't fix the problem, and sometimes that don't even stop the symptoms. No one in my life has been able to truly comfort me in the past 4 days, as much as I needed it, and as much as I wanted it, everyone in my life failed to make this situation better...everyone except the Lord, that is. He said just let go, fall backwards, and watch what happens. I felt it last night, I felt it all day, and I feel it right now...He brought us together, and I trust Him COMPLETELY to bring us back together, and you better believe I'll be a better woman when he fulfills that promise. Before, I wasn't who I needed me to be, I wasn't who you needed me to be, and I wasn't who God needed me to be. I'm working on that...minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.
Yep, I would love to see you, but I still don't deserve to. My mind is still being renewed, and I'm inclined to believe that the Lord is still working on you, or we'd be talking at this very moment. Take heart in knowing that we are in the Lord's hands, and those hands are hands of healing that we can trust, in spite of being hands of discipline. We have lessons to learn, we have wounds to heal, and we have minds to renew...and then we have a purpose to fulfill...TOGETHER. Not both of us seperately, but both of us together.
No matter how it feels, you are not alone. Never for a second, and perhaps that's part of what he needs to show you. You also don't need to be in control, because you've seen what happens when we're in control! Fall back into His presence, enjoy the fact that you have God all to yourself, and realize that you DO have someone there that eagerly awaits the story of your day, even when I'm not there.
I sincerely feel that God's timetable depends largely on our stubbornness. I don't think I could possibly get any more broken than I have been the past few days, and I know you've hit the bottom a few times yourself, so surely our pride is battered enough that we can step aside and let the Lord work on us swiftly and decisively. I've learned my lesson and then some, and I'm not anxious to ever learn it again any time soon.
On a seperate but some times related note...I bought my first wave of scrap booking supplies tonight. I spent two hours at the store (i would have spent more had they been open longer) and I managed to make it out of the store with my clothes still on my back, but it was a close call, I have to admit. I'm excited, and I look forward to starting what proves to be one amazing book...mostly because it's going to be chock full of amazing people.
Bottom line: I'm good, the Lord is great, and He's working hard on making me the woman I'm supposed to be for Him and everyone around me.
The Lord is so amazing and He never ceases to reach down and flex his authority and control when he needs to, and he DID need to. I wasn't being a good steward of what he had given me, and I know now that His purpose was not to steal from me, but to simply ask me to give something up so that He could show me what I needed to fix, before He could give it back to me.
My biggest flaw is nothing more or less than too much of my best attribute. I love...a lot. I love people like there's no tomorrow, and at times I've assigned too much importance to people. That's not to say those people aren't important, but I'm afraid I'm guilty of sometimes putting people in front of God. It's not a blatant, "hey, I'm going to put you in front of God" thing, it's subtle and much more dangerous because most often I don't even realize I'm doing it. What I'm supposed to be learning is that I only have one person to rely on, and that's Jesus Christ. I have people in my life that I know will always be there for me, but just because they're always there, it doesn't mean they can always help me...just like I can't always help them. The lesson that I have to learn (if we're going to shrink it down to fit in a nutshell) is; I can't call you until my first instinct is NOT to call you. When I'm hurting...it truly depends on the situation, but more often than I care to admit, I seek the comfort and support of my friends before I do the Lord. This is a huge weakness, and I'm ashamed to admit it, but part of the new life I've been granted is about coming to terms with the seemingly insignificant things that work together to cause a huge problem in my life.
I was so hurt over what the Lord had asked me to do that I didn't want to see why he asked me to give it up. I was trying to find some huge noble purpose that He was picking me to play a part in, but what He really intended was to humble me, and let me tell you, I needed it. That sounds strange coming out of my mouth...a mouth that is more often than not riddled with self-abasing humor, and not exactly known for singing high self-esteem praises. I needed to be reminded who was in control. I guess I thought I was ruling my own little corner of the snowglobe and the Lord saw fit to shake it up so that I remembered that HE is the one with the power and the master plan. I'm so confident, I'm so at ease about this, that I've been worried all day that maybe I'm just making this all up, but then I remember where I was yesterday and the day before and the day before that, and I KNOW that nothing but the light of God's Grace could have granted me this peace. I've been transformed by the renewing of my mind. It's started already, and I'm trusting God to finish it in his time. My flesh wants to be anxious and hurry this process up so that I can get back what I gave up, but my flesh has been rather subdued today...I think it knows it doesn't stand a chance. Proverbs says: "The fear of God is the root of all knowledge", and I believe that 100%. If man does not fear God and his punishment, he will never see his need for a savior, and sometimes the Lord has to scare us to the very core of our beings in order to make his point clear.
Would I have changed what the Lord is fixing in me now had he not humbled me and chastised me like the child that I am? Probably not. Sure, I would LOVE to think that he could have reached me another way, but knowing me and my stubborn self...probably not. I passed the first test by saying "okay" when He said, "I need you to give me this." Now, I have to pass the tests that He is going to give me every single day. I have to continue leaning on Him, and recondition myself to come to Him first always, and never second, third, or last. I'm a big fan of communication...both verbal and non-verbal, so I think that's why I always wanted to find the answers here on Earth first. Even if it's telling me the wrong thing, sometimes a soothing voice is all (I think) I need to hear, and there's nothing that beats a good hug when you're hurting...but those things, they're temporary, they don't fix the problem, and sometimes that don't even stop the symptoms. No one in my life has been able to truly comfort me in the past 4 days, as much as I needed it, and as much as I wanted it, everyone in my life failed to make this situation better...everyone except the Lord, that is. He said just let go, fall backwards, and watch what happens. I felt it last night, I felt it all day, and I feel it right now...He brought us together, and I trust Him COMPLETELY to bring us back together, and you better believe I'll be a better woman when he fulfills that promise. Before, I wasn't who I needed me to be, I wasn't who you needed me to be, and I wasn't who God needed me to be. I'm working on that...minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day.
Yep, I would love to see you, but I still don't deserve to. My mind is still being renewed, and I'm inclined to believe that the Lord is still working on you, or we'd be talking at this very moment. Take heart in knowing that we are in the Lord's hands, and those hands are hands of healing that we can trust, in spite of being hands of discipline. We have lessons to learn, we have wounds to heal, and we have minds to renew...and then we have a purpose to fulfill...TOGETHER. Not both of us seperately, but both of us together.
No matter how it feels, you are not alone. Never for a second, and perhaps that's part of what he needs to show you. You also don't need to be in control, because you've seen what happens when we're in control! Fall back into His presence, enjoy the fact that you have God all to yourself, and realize that you DO have someone there that eagerly awaits the story of your day, even when I'm not there.
I sincerely feel that God's timetable depends largely on our stubbornness. I don't think I could possibly get any more broken than I have been the past few days, and I know you've hit the bottom a few times yourself, so surely our pride is battered enough that we can step aside and let the Lord work on us swiftly and decisively. I've learned my lesson and then some, and I'm not anxious to ever learn it again any time soon.
On a seperate but some times related note...I bought my first wave of scrap booking supplies tonight. I spent two hours at the store (i would have spent more had they been open longer) and I managed to make it out of the store with my clothes still on my back, but it was a close call, I have to admit. I'm excited, and I look forward to starting what proves to be one amazing book...mostly because it's going to be chock full of amazing people.
Bottom line: I'm good, the Lord is great, and He's working hard on making me the woman I'm supposed to be for Him and everyone around me.