day one
I got my books for college this morning.
I have three books for english, "titus Andronicus" "a Midsummer Nights' Dream" and "King Henry the second". All have additional marking and added commentary I think I will have to read. I know I will be quite busy with that class.
I have a huge packet of stuff for French. I got my actual book, a workbook, two little journal-looking things whose purpose will no-doubt be later explained to me and then a separet book called English Grammar for the French Student.
Exciting.
Then of course nothing for Meditation, which will either be my favorite class or not.
And the books for my Comlumbia Basin inquiry course and mentorship were not yet ordered so I couldnt get those.
All in all, I need a big bag to hold this stuff in.
And a large paycheck to pay for all these things:
-List Of All The Things My Large Paycheck Is Needed For-
*Fixing Gus.
*Fixing Gus's Avenger.
*Timbuk2 Bag.
*Books.
*Transportation.
*Other things.
Yes. It sucks. And all of these things need to be done. The first two soely for my own peace of mind and sanity.
So I went to the lake today with my family. We went to Lost Lake which is "By Mount Hood", as are most things.
It was pretty fun. I got to float around on the raft for a while. I tried to push my brother over and I saw a dead crayfish. I talked to my mom. I laughed at my dad and I tried to push my brother over.
It was decently amusing.
then I got ice cream on the way home.
most relevant piece of information regarding my current situation and my day: All the music it encapsulated.
I was listening to som emixes I made for my grad party on the way there and back in the car. I made five mixes and couldnt remember which songs were on there so it was nice to have every track be a different surprise.
Now, maybe im way off, but doesn't it always seem like when you focus hard on the music and lyrics you are listening to during a time when you are in need of guidance and consolation that that is exactly what you get?
I listened to three of the five mixes and all the songs I listened to --except a couple-- had some advice for me.
Paul Mccartney told me "There is a fine line between chaos and creation, its about time you understood which road to take."
Audioslave said to me "To be yourself is all that you can do."
Keene spoke to my need for rest and distance by saying that "this could be the end of everything, so why dont we go somewhere only we know?"
Queen told me to "Break Free",
Carol King wondered why "you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?",
and James Taylor said that "I'd always tought that I'd see you again..."
I had mixed advice. Some told me to stand up to everything and get out on my own. I should accept the challenge and rise above it.
Others said I should stick it out and the answer would come when its ready.
Some told me "she's a brick house."
I dont' know what to do.
All I know is that I am becoming more and more fucked up as this gets more and more drawn out.
And uhm, hello! What? I am the one who knows what they want here, you are the one who needs to figure that out.
But then again, this is the chance for me to examine myself.
Yes, yourself, not your feelings.
This is bullshit, I tell myself, You know how you feel. Stop it!!!
Yes but, I reply back, I am not sure anymore.
Only because you were forced to be unsure in the first place, remember what you really feel, what you really want.
I... I want... to feel good. that's all I want.
Okay, go on... We are getting somewhere.
I felt good for a while, a really long while, but now I am not really feeling good.
Why not?
Uhm, well, first of all everyone's left.
Not everyone.
That's true.
Or do you mean by "everyone" only one person?
Perhaps. I woke up yesterday feeling like I was in a bad dream.
Because you dont want this, not yet.
I know, but now I ... I havent cried all day.
Who says thats a sign of anything real? Who says you need to be crying all day if you miss someone? You were busy all day long, you woke up and youre feet hit the ground running and now you are left alone with your thoughts. Even out. Find a calm place you can think. Relax. That answer will come.
I know. i hope so. I think I know how he's feeling, but now I can't tell about myself.
People.
I am not a schitzophrenic.
I just worked things out like I have been all day for you.
Now you see what I am dealing with.
Contradictions.
It fucking sucks.
ONE things I do know is that at least a month ago I knew how I felt. Things may have been a little screwy and we may have had prblems, but I knew how I felt. And that changed after he told me that he didn't know anymore.
I am being screwing over into trying to work things out when I dont need to. I dont need to figure it out, I had it all there already! I knew how I felt I knew I wanted it.
Only things is that if you make me think about somehting too hard for too long, pertty soon I wont be sure anymore. I will have other ideas. Now I am not sure.
now I dont know. Now i really do need to find out.
I fucking hate this.
I DONT need to be in this situation. I want out. I want someone to slap me in the face and tell me to pull myself together already. I want to be sure again.
I want him to come to grips with the fact that he's overwhelmed. I want to be the person who has the guts to say to him, all or nothing. Either you know how you feel or you know how you feel. What is wrong? What went wrong for you?
NOTHING>
A shitty ass summer that we need to get over thats what. Fuck all of that.
You feel better youve left youre not here.
Youre okay,.
figure yourself out so I can move on with my life.
I can move on.
i know i can.
this is the SECOND thing I have figured out. I can move on from this. I can do it in either of two ways: with him or without him. Which way to I want?
lets do some math:
I want to talk to him.
I want to be there for him.
I wish he felt like he did earlier.
I wish he would get over himself and figure that out.
I dont need him.
I will be fine without him.
I would miss him.
I do miss him.
I would be lacking a good friend.
But I do not want only freindship.
I like being naked with him.
I think he is pretty.
He is far away.
I can deal with that.
But I need him to know how he feels.
there is so much more. ThERE You figure it out for me and let me know what I think.
I can tell you this much: I wish I wasnt in this situation. I wish everything was how is was supposed to be. I wish ignorance was bliss and that I was going to talk about something other than this with him tonight.
I know that...
I want him in my life.
I dont need him in my life. I want him in my life.
To me that speaks to my true feelings.
I have no definite answer for you all.
Or for myself.
I dont know what to think.
FUCK TAKING A BREAK.
That shit will fuck you up.
I have three books for english, "titus Andronicus" "a Midsummer Nights' Dream" and "King Henry the second". All have additional marking and added commentary I think I will have to read. I know I will be quite busy with that class.
I have a huge packet of stuff for French. I got my actual book, a workbook, two little journal-looking things whose purpose will no-doubt be later explained to me and then a separet book called English Grammar for the French Student.
Exciting.
Then of course nothing for Meditation, which will either be my favorite class or not.
And the books for my Comlumbia Basin inquiry course and mentorship were not yet ordered so I couldnt get those.
All in all, I need a big bag to hold this stuff in.
And a large paycheck to pay for all these things:
-List Of All The Things My Large Paycheck Is Needed For-
*Fixing Gus.
*Fixing Gus's Avenger.
*Timbuk2 Bag.
*Books.
*Transportation.
*Other things.
Yes. It sucks. And all of these things need to be done. The first two soely for my own peace of mind and sanity.
So I went to the lake today with my family. We went to Lost Lake which is "By Mount Hood", as are most things.
It was pretty fun. I got to float around on the raft for a while. I tried to push my brother over and I saw a dead crayfish. I talked to my mom. I laughed at my dad and I tried to push my brother over.
It was decently amusing.
then I got ice cream on the way home.
most relevant piece of information regarding my current situation and my day: All the music it encapsulated.
I was listening to som emixes I made for my grad party on the way there and back in the car. I made five mixes and couldnt remember which songs were on there so it was nice to have every track be a different surprise.
Now, maybe im way off, but doesn't it always seem like when you focus hard on the music and lyrics you are listening to during a time when you are in need of guidance and consolation that that is exactly what you get?
I listened to three of the five mixes and all the songs I listened to --except a couple-- had some advice for me.
Paul Mccartney told me "There is a fine line between chaos and creation, its about time you understood which road to take."
Audioslave said to me "To be yourself is all that you can do."
Keene spoke to my need for rest and distance by saying that "this could be the end of everything, so why dont we go somewhere only we know?"
Queen told me to "Break Free",
Carol King wondered why "you're so far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?",
and James Taylor said that "I'd always tought that I'd see you again..."
I had mixed advice. Some told me to stand up to everything and get out on my own. I should accept the challenge and rise above it.
Others said I should stick it out and the answer would come when its ready.
Some told me "she's a brick house."
I dont' know what to do.
All I know is that I am becoming more and more fucked up as this gets more and more drawn out.
And uhm, hello! What? I am the one who knows what they want here, you are the one who needs to figure that out.
But then again, this is the chance for me to examine myself.
Yes, yourself, not your feelings.
This is bullshit, I tell myself, You know how you feel. Stop it!!!
Yes but, I reply back, I am not sure anymore.
Only because you were forced to be unsure in the first place, remember what you really feel, what you really want.
I... I want... to feel good. that's all I want.
Okay, go on... We are getting somewhere.
I felt good for a while, a really long while, but now I am not really feeling good.
Why not?
Uhm, well, first of all everyone's left.
Not everyone.
That's true.
Or do you mean by "everyone" only one person?
Perhaps. I woke up yesterday feeling like I was in a bad dream.
Because you dont want this, not yet.
I know, but now I ... I havent cried all day.
Who says thats a sign of anything real? Who says you need to be crying all day if you miss someone? You were busy all day long, you woke up and youre feet hit the ground running and now you are left alone with your thoughts. Even out. Find a calm place you can think. Relax. That answer will come.
I know. i hope so. I think I know how he's feeling, but now I can't tell about myself.
People.
I am not a schitzophrenic.
I just worked things out like I have been all day for you.
Now you see what I am dealing with.
Contradictions.
It fucking sucks.
ONE things I do know is that at least a month ago I knew how I felt. Things may have been a little screwy and we may have had prblems, but I knew how I felt. And that changed after he told me that he didn't know anymore.
I am being screwing over into trying to work things out when I dont need to. I dont need to figure it out, I had it all there already! I knew how I felt I knew I wanted it.
Only things is that if you make me think about somehting too hard for too long, pertty soon I wont be sure anymore. I will have other ideas. Now I am not sure.
now I dont know. Now i really do need to find out.
I fucking hate this.
I DONT need to be in this situation. I want out. I want someone to slap me in the face and tell me to pull myself together already. I want to be sure again.
I want him to come to grips with the fact that he's overwhelmed. I want to be the person who has the guts to say to him, all or nothing. Either you know how you feel or you know how you feel. What is wrong? What went wrong for you?
NOTHING>
A shitty ass summer that we need to get over thats what. Fuck all of that.
You feel better youve left youre not here.
Youre okay,.
figure yourself out so I can move on with my life.
I can move on.
i know i can.
this is the SECOND thing I have figured out. I can move on from this. I can do it in either of two ways: with him or without him. Which way to I want?
lets do some math:
I want to talk to him.
I want to be there for him.
I wish he felt like he did earlier.
I wish he would get over himself and figure that out.
I dont need him.
I will be fine without him.
I would miss him.
I do miss him.
I would be lacking a good friend.
But I do not want only freindship.
I like being naked with him.
I think he is pretty.
He is far away.
I can deal with that.
But I need him to know how he feels.
there is so much more. ThERE You figure it out for me and let me know what I think.
I can tell you this much: I wish I wasnt in this situation. I wish everything was how is was supposed to be. I wish ignorance was bliss and that I was going to talk about something other than this with him tonight.
I know that...
I want him in my life.
I dont need him in my life. I want him in my life.
To me that speaks to my true feelings.
I have no definite answer for you all.
Or for myself.
I dont know what to think.
FUCK TAKING A BREAK.
That shit will fuck you up.