Life as i know it...is nothing
ah life...drudgery i once described it as, and yet it still feels like the only word fit. my road is littered with potholes and no exits. im heading straight for death. everyday i die a little more. life is seemingly not worth it to me. i've lived 20 long years and not known true happiness in any of my conscience years. sometimes i miss being a child, and then i remember how much i hated life then and thats when its like "bam". ive hated my life for a long time now. its kinda ridiculous. ever since i can remember i didnt like to live. i dont like to do anything anymore, its all like temporary happiness and never true. some say im just negative, that i dont appreciate the good things around me. i do appreciate them, i appreciate the people i know and have come to love. but people are just people and love is the greatest pain that the Almighty bestowed on us dumb-witted humans. to love, to care, is to surrender free will. when you care, when you love, you fall apart. no matter how much you care, or how much you love, the things you care about, the people you love, will all leave you, like they were meant to in some great scheme. leaving you a shell, a shed skin of someone who had a grasp on things. this is why i have no emotion, or rather why i fight it so feverently. i love and care about my friends and family. with my family its easy to show emotion. i am accepted by them no matter what, they are my family. with my friends...i find it impossible to show emotion. for me, i was ridiculed and bullied from a very young age. this taught me to watch what i said or did because if i didnt, it would lead down that same dark path. but now that training has caused to become a broken man. i cant even tell a woman that she is beautiful, because...i dont know why, its like what i used to control, what i trained myself to thinl, is controlling me, making me think differently. i went to therapy and ithought that it was anxiety. social anxiety, but now i see its deeper than that. its beyond anxiety, its terror. terror of this world and the people in it. that my very best friend can easily turn a cut my throat like he never new me as anything but an enemy. that scares me. i trust the people i call my friends, probably too much. and now the friends that i became so close with, became best friends with, are all going away. everyone is going to pursue their dreams, and now i realize that i have no dream. everyone has a dream, and all i have is life. im just waiting for it to be over. to go to heaven or something like it. hell, if death is the end of life, thats heaven for me, because i will be gone from this hell i live in. im 20 years old and i have a heart thats full and now power to release some of the pressure. i love, i care, therefore i hurt. all the time. my best friends are leaving, but i cant bring myself to show how i feel. subconciously something is blocking me from allowing myself to express myself. the fear. i am consumed, and no matter what i do, i will always be confined...all i can do i be miserable by myself and prepare for another sad chapter in the worst fucking book ever, The Life and Times of Omar...