(no subject)
4 hours and 8 minutes ago, things made sense. i'd come to terms with everything; i was Fine (honestly) with where things were; i was ready to embrace the Decision that was made, and make the best of everything. but people are people. and people change. and the change can mess up your plans. i had a plan. i knew what I was going to do, and what i would do as a reaction to anyone else who wasn't following the "embrace the Decision" idea. but nothing worked out as planned. i half expected the Decision plan not to be followed. hell, i half WANTED it not to be followed, deep down. i mean, i know that it would just reopen the can of worms that'd just had it's lid slammed shut... that i hoped for my own sanity would stay closed. because my sanity was doing fine with the Descision. (it's not like i was loosing it before or now, but it was just EASIER with the Decision in place) i'd made a choice! i was sticking with it! it was all for the best... except that deep deep down, the Decision didn't make me happy. i was Fine with it. but i wasn't Happy. and i'm not Happy now. i'm frustrated. SO frustrated. i did exactly what i'd decided not too. but i don't regret it. at a certain point, about 3 and a half hours ago, i said fuck it to the plans and Decision. i was doing what I WANTED TO DO. because really, it was what i wanted. i'd convinced myself that i didn't. that i was fine not saying anything and just going with the Decision, and putting on that smiling face, and closing it, and not acknowleging anything REAL, and pretending that i didn't really care, and not recognizing the difference between Happy and Fine. but there's a HUGE difference. and today i've hit both, plus so much more.... and not i don't know how i feel. for a while there, i was Happy. i let myself get carried away, again, after, again, i'd said i wouldn't, and i was Happy, and i don't care that i just did what i said i wouldn't, because it was worth it. but as always, Happiness doesn't last or stay stable long. and golly. this one is unstable as it possibly could be. because after just going for it and DOING WHAT I WANTED for once, i don't know what i want. no. i know what i want, but i don't think that it's in the cards. so i don't know what i want to do with the hand that i got. but i do get 10 points for laying it on the table anyways... and i think that it did change things-a tiny bit- for the better. or at least not for the worse. and i guess that sometimes, that's all you can really ask for in life.
but it WAS a good evening, overall. and honstly, i am walking away from it feeling a little be really good. so maybe things aren't SO bad. they're just different, undefined, at the moment. Ambiguous, if you will.....
but it WAS a good evening, overall. and honstly, i am walking away from it feeling a little be really good. so maybe things aren't SO bad. they're just different, undefined, at the moment. Ambiguous, if you will.....