lame influences
i stumbled upon this girl's profile a little bit ago. she went to canoga and i remember that she was constantly teased, especially by people who i thought were my friends. i was 16, and everything shallow and superficial had to matter to me so, as ashamed as i am right now, i teased her too. and it wasn't a desperation to fit in. i disliked her for no apparent reason. perhaps it was because she was stronger than i was, and i wanted to take some of that strength away to prove that everyone falls. i could consider my motives forever but the point is, is that it was all pathetic.
if i could say sorry to her, i would. but obviously she doesn't remember an insignificant person like me or any insignificant events. it's really sad when a small person, like myself, remembers all the trivial unimportant details that end up to be completely meaningless in the grander scheme of things. but i'm just a petty person.
now i regard these "friends" as nuisances, and i feel more at ease knowing that girls like her are happy even when they are put down; that they have more strength- than people like me- to rise above people's judgments and harsh negative criticisms. regardless of what people think of them, it gives me hope that one day i can let go of my chains to people's standards, i.e. ideal womanhood, real intelligence, etc. i already let go of the beauty rubric (when i was 11 and a lot kids said i was hideous).
it's only beneficial to me if i learn that attaining statuses in society is completely worthless and that the material world and it's earthly things are not eternal. but social facts are so painful sometimes that it smothers me. fulfilling roles and expectations, such as behaving as a woman should and getting a degree to be considered intelligent, all of these aren't difficult to attain but the real matter is: what if someone doesn't care to fulfill it? these social facts are just as superficial as my judgments against that girl, where everyone criticizes another person for diverting away from the standard.
but seeing that girl, and i'm not envious of her, she actually gave me hope that one day i can get rid of my chains.
if i could say sorry to her, i would. but obviously she doesn't remember an insignificant person like me or any insignificant events. it's really sad when a small person, like myself, remembers all the trivial unimportant details that end up to be completely meaningless in the grander scheme of things. but i'm just a petty person.
now i regard these "friends" as nuisances, and i feel more at ease knowing that girls like her are happy even when they are put down; that they have more strength- than people like me- to rise above people's judgments and harsh negative criticisms. regardless of what people think of them, it gives me hope that one day i can let go of my chains to people's standards, i.e. ideal womanhood, real intelligence, etc. i already let go of the beauty rubric (when i was 11 and a lot kids said i was hideous).
it's only beneficial to me if i learn that attaining statuses in society is completely worthless and that the material world and it's earthly things are not eternal. but social facts are so painful sometimes that it smothers me. fulfilling roles and expectations, such as behaving as a woman should and getting a degree to be considered intelligent, all of these aren't difficult to attain but the real matter is: what if someone doesn't care to fulfill it? these social facts are just as superficial as my judgments against that girl, where everyone criticizes another person for diverting away from the standard.
but seeing that girl, and i'm not envious of her, she actually gave me hope that one day i can get rid of my chains.