Life as of now

Feb 22, 2012 21:45

Well, its been a very long time since I been on here and lots has happend. Not to go into deep detail of everything that has happend...im a 26yr old wife & mother. I have everything thing I always wanted. A husband and a sweet adorable baby. So why am I in this funk of feeling depressed about my life? I wake up daily not wanting to get out of bed, but James is crying and I have to. Once he is changed & fed, I usually just waste the day being lazy watching tv and sit on my ass. I do alot around the house, but not all at once. I try to atleast do something each day. Clean or cook dinner atleast. This is my life, I am a stay at home mom. And even though I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, I find its making me depressed. Its not post partum that Cameron thinks it is. Its just, I have nothing to do for myself. I dont know what I want to do with my life besides stay home and take care of everything. I have no car to just get out during the day when I want to. I have no money for myself just to buy stuff I want or need. I ended up selling everything I have, like my lovely Honda just to pay my bills. I let my responsibilities go. I didnt work hard enough to keep finance controlled. I let myself get barried in debt because I was to focused on my relationship with Cameron and wanted to have a family.

I feel bad that he has to pay my bills, but it is only fair. I do alot for him around the house but still...Its like asking daddy for money when I want/need it. I hate not having money of my own. I managed my own money since I was 12! Im to the point where I want to get a job so I can have my own money. So I can pay my own bills and buy myself a car. But the problem is, there is like nothing out there and I am like so afraid to leave James. I know its a fear for every mom, didnt think I would feel this way. Even if there was jobs, I dunno what the hell I wanna do! Absolutly no daycare or caregiving! I dont wanna do anything with customer service or retail, I hate dealing with people. So, that pretty much is everything around here besides shipyard...no thanx. Arg, I dunno what to do with myself, I feel lost. I dont know the right thing to do. Stay home or get a job?

Samething goes with my marriage. I dunno what is the right thing to do with our relationship. A few bad things happen recently that almost took camerons life..mine would of been fucked over and we would be divorced. These events have led us to be taking Anger Management class & a Marriage class together. Which we have one more to go for each. These classes are pretty much things we need to consider to change about ourselves. Keep our anger in control and to communicate better. Its a really good thing that we are going...but are they really truely gonna help us? After we are done, are we gonna be different and happy? I am just sick to death of fighting with him. We fight over the stupidest things. Cameron makes a big deal about everything that it makes me mad and once I am mad..he gets angery & so on. Every lil fustration quickly esculates in mins! And is it really worth fighting for?

In the begining of our relationship, usually our fights would be about stupid dumb fuck trailer trash barbie. Then, when I got preggo...we would fight cause he would always ditch me to hangout with drew and his stupid girlfriend all the time. He didnt really understand how truely awful I felt all the time and he didnt know how to handle it. He didnt wanna stay home with me all the time, he always wanted to go do shit. I knew he wouldnt be around when I went into labor..and I was right. But I didnt think I would go into premature labor either. It was unexpected, but yet I was alone and freaked out! But he was at my side the whole time and it felt good. Even though we had to deal with James being at Tacoma General all summer...me & cameron got along great and had some good times together. He was a good supporter and made the whole situation better. I wouldnt be able to handle everything alone.

And once we got home with James, it seemed he went back to his oldself and I had to handle everything. He didnt go out alot, it was him being on WOW all day & all night. He would get pissed if I asked him for help. It was very stressful gettin used to James routine while I had to continue pumping, maintaining the house & cook dinner. I just wanted him to help, but I guess that was to hard for him. And not only that was stressing us, but money was. It got to the point where we never had money to pay all our bills or have extra to see a movie or something. Hence the reason I had to sell my car, which I didnt wanna do. Moving to Navy housing was a really good choice. Just wish we did it months ago...I prolly could of kept my car.

So now that we dont have the stress of money issues, trailer trash barbie to deal with or he is not being helpful because he is very much so now...what is there to fight about?? Well I guess stupid shit...shit that shouldnt be a big deal. We get fustrated over nothing and it becomes a big problem. Yes I love him...but I am wondering what happen to the person I fell in love with? I thought of him the person that was absolutly perfect for me. But he isnt perfect, not even close! At times, I feel like I dont know him at all...he is a complete mistery to me. He is capable to hurt me, in ways that I never expected from him. He slept with the one person I absolutly hated. He broke the trust. He lied about how he would never ever be with her, hurt me, lie to me...but he did. And I have to learn to trust him again..and its not even easy! There are time I feel hes not completely honest with me about everything. I caught him smoking again and he lies about it. Makes me think of other things he has hid from me. He hid about trash barbie from me over a year! Makes me mad to think of all the times he stood up for her everytime I talked trash about her. Why would you do that after you slept with her? To make it not obvious? So he says, he wanted to keep everything normal so I wouldnt expect anything. Arg, just hurts to this day that he stood up for her after what he did with her. Yes, I forgive him and we moved on..but I can never forget about it. I want to punch her in the fuckin face sooo bad and just tell her how shitty of a person she is. I wish her husband would find out somehow..so he can dumb her ass!

So I have to learn to trust my husband...and I truely dont. I feel that he hides things from me and just plays along that nothing happend. Cause if he ever does cheat on me again, he knows it would be over. So is he being faithful or keeping his mouth shut so he wouldnt lose me. He did it before, will he again? That question bugs me pretty much everyday. I even have nightmares about it that keeps me up at night. But I cant talk about it to him, cause it upsets him. But who can I talk to about my feelings & fears? This is why I need a consolar for myself. Sometimes I feel my feelings are to built up that I cant breathe!
I never imagined marriage being so hard at first...when will it get easier or does it ever? Did I marry the right person? I want my marriage to work, I love my husband and my lil family. But these questions that I cant get honest answers for depresses me.
I need to get out of this funk...but its hard to take those steps!
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