if only i owned a gun...
i'm not this ruthless, feelingless fuck that people make me out to be. even my own family thinks i'm carved out of stone. i'm fucking sick of hating myself when i shouldn't, and i'm fucking sick of forgiving everyone so fucking easily and then pinning all of the blame on me and then be told i take no responsibility for anything i do. fuck this shit, seriously. i don't know how much longer i can take this same old bullshit. i don't mean to cause everyone hell but hey if that's what you guys want to think then go right the fuck ahead cause i'm sick of explaining myself to just be ignored. i realize i push the people i love away with 20/20 hindsight, but i can't stop it. i don't have control over my own fucking life anymore. i don't know who or what does, but it's not me. i'm sick of being driven to the point of causing myself physical pain to distract myself from reality. i don't want to have to be high or lie to myself to be happy. i don't want to wake up in the morning and try to motivate myself to get up anymore, i'm sick of fucking knowing there's nothing worth getting out of that fucking bed for. i want a reason to live, and i guess i've been looking in all the wrong places. this house is a hell hole. my sister's a little spoiled bratty cunt that lives to fucking ruin my life. my mom's a fucking psycho that every day decides she's "done" with life and then bitches at me about responsibilty. i'm fucking sick of being in constant physical pain and having no one care. it's such bullshit. i can't even fucking feel the tips of my fingers anymore but whatever i guess that's normal for a life ruining bitch like me right? i'm so fucking short tempered now. nothing makes sense anymore. i'm hating myself for how i feel, when i know it's not normal to honestly believe you're worthless. i'm so fucking tired of being so fucking heartbroken over these childish things, and i'm fucking tired of getting my hopes up that someone could actually genuinely love me just to have my feelings shattered at the drop of a hat. and no, i'm not talking about stupid puppy love boyfriends or gay shit like that, with one exception. but he's different. not sure how, but he is. and the worst part is, he has no idea... 8 months after a breakup and i still can't get it through my fucking skull that he didn't even like me to begin with. the truth hurts, and it hurts like a bitch. wow, i sound so fucking emo. the court system can suck my asshole cause i'm not going to court for anything. no amount of anything could make me get on that witness stand and spill my guts. nothing. i don't care if they drag me up there and use the jaws of fucking life to pry open my jaw, i'm not saying shit. why the fuck am i like this? maybe i should just have the people that made me like this fucking lacerate their names into my flesh for everyone to see...
today i hung out with doc merlin mike and freddy. cheeko went to merlins for a while. then mikes mom dropped us off at toms. joe and jon were there. i saw jess. she gave me a butt and said she wanted my pants. yep, that's pretty much it.