(no subject)
weird morning.
i havent slept yet. im at my dads. i was trying to go to sleep, but i started thinking of how much i miss my mum. and how 2 years ago i was lying next to her in that same bed with us both crying because she might have to leave. i think of how my life might have been different if she hadnt left. life is difficult. change is very hard. thats all i can conclude.
kootnay was meowing and being senile. i miss kazan. even though she did the same annoying morning meow thing. but i can remember how she felt curled up next to me too. junior high and all of that.
i got up to go to the washroom..ive been crying so hard the past couple of hours. maybe i was due? i havent cried like this since..well i guess it wasnt that long ago. but anyway. tears have a specific smell to them.
i looked out the window..into the backyard. everything is growing right now and things look smaller. i had a million flashbacks running through my mind of how many times ive looked out that window. and how i was in japan the other week. i thought about the monk. and i looked in the mirror and see that i look older. not old but older. there are dead moths caught in the window pane.
everything was so still and pretty and i wish i could share or explain or something with someone. i dont really know..that was just the feeling. but also the feeling like i should repress that urge and just keep some things to myself.
one of the trees in the neighbours backyard moved..i thought it was a racoon at first but it was choomie. i stared at her for so long i thought my mind was playing tricks and that she was really a broken branch or something..but she was there. i thought she might be playing or something..but i worried she might be stuck up there or something so i went outside to check.
the grass was all wet with dew and my feet are all dirty now. the grass is long and i worried that i might step on something gross or a bee that would sting my foot and really hurt but somehow remind me of dave. i tried to catch a bumblebee the other day..but then i felt to mean and also scared of getting stung. i walked out back and saw there was a massive black cat at the base of the tree..and that choomie was pretty freaked out. i hopped through the garden and the black cat took off.
choomie is a very odd cat..but i think she was relieved to see me. shes declawed in front but somehow got waaaay up there. it sounded like she was in pain on the way down. i havent picked her up since she was a kitten though and she hissed at me when i tried to touch her. but i had to say nice things and coax her down and i felt like a cat hero. and i gave her cheese (her favourite) when we got back inside.
but now koots is outside and i heard a scary cat fight sound. if kootnay gets attacked again that will probably be the end of her. fuck you fat ass black cat. im sure she will be fine though. koots is basically a veteran cat fighter. plus nobody has clipped her claws in a while.
anyway..life feels weird today. im having one of those feeling like so much reality that its not reality moments. im probably just really tired. actually, i am just really tired.
but its light out and this neighbourhood is deserted because of the long weekend. theres only cats and squirrels and me. oh and some birds too.
my scars hurt and i have depressing but very pretty songs stuck in my head.
im going to look like crapola tomorrow cuz my eyes will be swollen. and when i do fall asleep i will sleep in and feel weird because my dad will come back from chloes to make mustard pickles.
this morning feels like a weird but pretty morning i had at my cottage. where i woke up super early for no reason and wandered out onto the rock..at the perfect time when the moon and stars and one of the planets were still dark and in the sky..but the sun was also rising..with the clouds on the horizon in pastels of green and orange and pink. and i wanted to take a picture but my camera batteries died and i had to just appreciate that i got to be there and that i dont need to share everything. and the lake was really calm with the waves just quietly coming up on shore and it was just me and the frogs and crickets.
i havent slept yet. im at my dads. i was trying to go to sleep, but i started thinking of how much i miss my mum. and how 2 years ago i was lying next to her in that same bed with us both crying because she might have to leave. i think of how my life might have been different if she hadnt left. life is difficult. change is very hard. thats all i can conclude.
kootnay was meowing and being senile. i miss kazan. even though she did the same annoying morning meow thing. but i can remember how she felt curled up next to me too. junior high and all of that.
i got up to go to the washroom..ive been crying so hard the past couple of hours. maybe i was due? i havent cried like this since..well i guess it wasnt that long ago. but anyway. tears have a specific smell to them.
i looked out the window..into the backyard. everything is growing right now and things look smaller. i had a million flashbacks running through my mind of how many times ive looked out that window. and how i was in japan the other week. i thought about the monk. and i looked in the mirror and see that i look older. not old but older. there are dead moths caught in the window pane.
everything was so still and pretty and i wish i could share or explain or something with someone. i dont really know..that was just the feeling. but also the feeling like i should repress that urge and just keep some things to myself.
one of the trees in the neighbours backyard moved..i thought it was a racoon at first but it was choomie. i stared at her for so long i thought my mind was playing tricks and that she was really a broken branch or something..but she was there. i thought she might be playing or something..but i worried she might be stuck up there or something so i went outside to check.
the grass was all wet with dew and my feet are all dirty now. the grass is long and i worried that i might step on something gross or a bee that would sting my foot and really hurt but somehow remind me of dave. i tried to catch a bumblebee the other day..but then i felt to mean and also scared of getting stung. i walked out back and saw there was a massive black cat at the base of the tree..and that choomie was pretty freaked out. i hopped through the garden and the black cat took off.
choomie is a very odd cat..but i think she was relieved to see me. shes declawed in front but somehow got waaaay up there. it sounded like she was in pain on the way down. i havent picked her up since she was a kitten though and she hissed at me when i tried to touch her. but i had to say nice things and coax her down and i felt like a cat hero. and i gave her cheese (her favourite) when we got back inside.
but now koots is outside and i heard a scary cat fight sound. if kootnay gets attacked again that will probably be the end of her. fuck you fat ass black cat. im sure she will be fine though. koots is basically a veteran cat fighter. plus nobody has clipped her claws in a while.
anyway..life feels weird today. im having one of those feeling like so much reality that its not reality moments. im probably just really tired. actually, i am just really tired.
but its light out and this neighbourhood is deserted because of the long weekend. theres only cats and squirrels and me. oh and some birds too.
my scars hurt and i have depressing but very pretty songs stuck in my head.
im going to look like crapola tomorrow cuz my eyes will be swollen. and when i do fall asleep i will sleep in and feel weird because my dad will come back from chloes to make mustard pickles.
this morning feels like a weird but pretty morning i had at my cottage. where i woke up super early for no reason and wandered out onto the rock..at the perfect time when the moon and stars and one of the planets were still dark and in the sky..but the sun was also rising..with the clouds on the horizon in pastels of green and orange and pink. and i wanted to take a picture but my camera batteries died and i had to just appreciate that i got to be there and that i dont need to share everything. and the lake was really calm with the waves just quietly coming up on shore and it was just me and the frogs and crickets.