a feeling of removal is sometimes the best
The other day I was working as receptionist and a smell triggered. I mean I think everyone knows now that a smell can sometimes trigger lost or forgotten memories and that kind of happened then. I just remembered the smell of fresh showers, still damp hair and men's cologne and aftershave. It made me think of the times we would get dressed to go out for dinner at a nice restaurant when Aunt Jo sent money for a birthday or when Dad was in the country and we all went to 5:30 Mass together. I just thought it was a crazy memory to trigger...
I'm really having a hard time with Aunt Jo's death. I missed the funeral, and I think in some ways her death isn't always very real at times as a result. It might also be because she's been a part of my life since birth and the one person I have called these past few years when I needed a friendly or encouraging voice. In two days it was supposed to be her birthday. I miss being able to call her and shout in the phone. I miss her fussing and forgetting that I wasn't 6 anymore. I'm so glad we went to visit but I really wish I could have seen her more. I love her so much and I just feel like I expressed it so inadequately ,granted that seems to be my forte.
I'm really upset at missing the semester. I was pulling a 4.0 before withdrawal and I just feel like I'm falling further behind my own standards I once held myself to.
I hate being here sometimes. I know I can't change things but I really think things would be so much better if we'd never moved. Oddly enough Dad's death was never something I thought about being changed by not moving. I just feel like the person I was and my potential stopped that summer after my freshman year of high school. I miss the culture, the curriculum, the history, the hills, the cold, the snow... I feel more at home and like I'm in the right place when I go back to visit for a few days than I do here. Never once in my life until we moved did I ever feel like I didn't belong somewhere. Who knows maybe its just me being a fuck up but I can't get over this feeling. No friendships, relationships, academics, projects or goals have been lasting or half of what they once were. The people I'd say I'm closest to here don't even see any of it. I feel like a big failure and that everyone around me only sees that and I used to see this amazing person when I looked in the mirror, and I don't see that anymore.
I'm really having a hard time with Aunt Jo's death. I missed the funeral, and I think in some ways her death isn't always very real at times as a result. It might also be because she's been a part of my life since birth and the one person I have called these past few years when I needed a friendly or encouraging voice. In two days it was supposed to be her birthday. I miss being able to call her and shout in the phone. I miss her fussing and forgetting that I wasn't 6 anymore. I'm so glad we went to visit but I really wish I could have seen her more. I love her so much and I just feel like I expressed it so inadequately ,granted that seems to be my forte.
I'm really upset at missing the semester. I was pulling a 4.0 before withdrawal and I just feel like I'm falling further behind my own standards I once held myself to.
I hate being here sometimes. I know I can't change things but I really think things would be so much better if we'd never moved. Oddly enough Dad's death was never something I thought about being changed by not moving. I just feel like the person I was and my potential stopped that summer after my freshman year of high school. I miss the culture, the curriculum, the history, the hills, the cold, the snow... I feel more at home and like I'm in the right place when I go back to visit for a few days than I do here. Never once in my life until we moved did I ever feel like I didn't belong somewhere. Who knows maybe its just me being a fuck up but I can't get over this feeling. No friendships, relationships, academics, projects or goals have been lasting or half of what they once were. The people I'd say I'm closest to here don't even see any of it. I feel like a big failure and that everyone around me only sees that and I used to see this amazing person when I looked in the mirror, and I don't see that anymore.