(no subject)
i make myself sick with obsession.
what? am i so bored that i can't let other peoples' lives go? i need to occupy myself like full time.
i also realize that i'm going o have a long dark struggle with loving erik. how unfortunate can a girl be? or do i just curse myself. all i want is some real love. it doesn't have to be long standing, or even great. i just want something real. and the real things disappear as soon as i realize i want them. as soon as i feel like maybe i've attained them. it's sick. this year has almost been surreal. almost been like a mockery. and i've almost given up.
but maybe that was the good things to come of this. giving up on old notions of love. realizing what i've really wanted is not what i've thought i wanted.
there are separate little memories of men. i am going to canonize them, and relieve them this way from my thoughts. they will be a part of my personality no more. i am cleaning them out of me. my sorrowful demeanor. cleaning these old loves out will be like starting from the beginning again. which i realize now is what i've always been going for. i've always missed the beginning.
what? am i so bored that i can't let other peoples' lives go? i need to occupy myself like full time.
i also realize that i'm going o have a long dark struggle with loving erik. how unfortunate can a girl be? or do i just curse myself. all i want is some real love. it doesn't have to be long standing, or even great. i just want something real. and the real things disappear as soon as i realize i want them. as soon as i feel like maybe i've attained them. it's sick. this year has almost been surreal. almost been like a mockery. and i've almost given up.
but maybe that was the good things to come of this. giving up on old notions of love. realizing what i've really wanted is not what i've thought i wanted.
there are separate little memories of men. i am going to canonize them, and relieve them this way from my thoughts. they will be a part of my personality no more. i am cleaning them out of me. my sorrowful demeanor. cleaning these old loves out will be like starting from the beginning again. which i realize now is what i've always been going for. i've always missed the beginning.