Challenging
So a long time ago a therapist told me my problem was that I essentially fixate on one thing, become obsessed with it so to speak. I stopped going. You don't need an advanced degree to figure that one out. I'm a driven person. People LIKE this about me most of the time. It's got me where I am today. If you don't focus hard on your goals, you'll never achieve them. Sure, some people get lucky, but luck has never been my bag.
When it's getting good grades, passing the bar, networking, etc. people think my drive is GOOD. When it's constantly thinking about someone who has made it very clear HE DOESN'T LOVE ME people think this obsession is bad. I mean, pick a side! I don't know any other way to love. People have told me "Calm down. Love me less" or my favorite "You don't really love me. You just like to win." Well fuck off to them!
I am a loving person. I'm used to being loved. I come from a big mess of a loving family. We're not stuffy people who don't say "I love you." I say those words when I mean them and you know what when X never said them back, I kept on saying them. Not because I was trying to beat it out of him (I swear) but because I assumed, like every other thing in life, I could just KEEP TRYING.
It sucks to fail. Believe me I know this. But what people don't seem to understand was that I actually and legitimately loved X. He was LIKE ME even if he doesn't admit it. We used to get into these intellectual pissing contests. I so looked forward to sparring with him. I used to play the whole game of "I'm gonna wait this long to call" or "I won't let him come in tonight," etc. But then time passed, I let me guard down, I fell in love. I didn't want to play games anymore. My love scared him....because it meant he finally had to make some choices of his own.
I also loved him because he was my champion and I was his. I loved making him proud of me. It made me work harder at every thing I did. And he always tried to impress me too. We were each other's career advisors, life coaches, etc. He's lost lately and that sucks because I really think he needs me. But damn, I know I can't handle it. I push too hard. I love too much.
Ugh, is there ever going to be someone who's not afraid of me?
In the meantime, with kudos to expensive therapy, I've decided it's time to really push myself physically. It was not too long ago when X ditched our long-planned camping trip to go hiking with his friends and told me I couldn't come because I wasn't in good enough shape. I've stopped being sad about that. It's his loss. Because if I have to think about him all the time, then at least I can think "fuck him" every time I lift or push myself to the next level.
I hope it helps me get over him. If not, maybe I'll get a killer bod out of it.
When it's getting good grades, passing the bar, networking, etc. people think my drive is GOOD. When it's constantly thinking about someone who has made it very clear HE DOESN'T LOVE ME people think this obsession is bad. I mean, pick a side! I don't know any other way to love. People have told me "Calm down. Love me less" or my favorite "You don't really love me. You just like to win." Well fuck off to them!
I am a loving person. I'm used to being loved. I come from a big mess of a loving family. We're not stuffy people who don't say "I love you." I say those words when I mean them and you know what when X never said them back, I kept on saying them. Not because I was trying to beat it out of him (I swear) but because I assumed, like every other thing in life, I could just KEEP TRYING.
It sucks to fail. Believe me I know this. But what people don't seem to understand was that I actually and legitimately loved X. He was LIKE ME even if he doesn't admit it. We used to get into these intellectual pissing contests. I so looked forward to sparring with him. I used to play the whole game of "I'm gonna wait this long to call" or "I won't let him come in tonight," etc. But then time passed, I let me guard down, I fell in love. I didn't want to play games anymore. My love scared him....because it meant he finally had to make some choices of his own.
I also loved him because he was my champion and I was his. I loved making him proud of me. It made me work harder at every thing I did. And he always tried to impress me too. We were each other's career advisors, life coaches, etc. He's lost lately and that sucks because I really think he needs me. But damn, I know I can't handle it. I push too hard. I love too much.
Ugh, is there ever going to be someone who's not afraid of me?
In the meantime, with kudos to expensive therapy, I've decided it's time to really push myself physically. It was not too long ago when X ditched our long-planned camping trip to go hiking with his friends and told me I couldn't come because I wasn't in good enough shape. I've stopped being sad about that. It's his loss. Because if I have to think about him all the time, then at least I can think "fuck him" every time I lift or push myself to the next level.
I hope it helps me get over him. If not, maybe I'll get a killer bod out of it.