.1685 - I'd thought we'd get to see forever / but forever's gone away
To Keith. My husband and my first love.
Three days after your passing I thought to myself, it feels like three years.
Three years is now here.
I don't even know where to begin with this.
You have missed so much in the last 36 months. Birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, holidays, trips, baby announcements (I know one in particular that would make you really happy), me finally getting my G license and a LTO...and every single time I've wanted to text you telling you the good news. But I can't, and it hurts.
You fought so damn hard, and not once did you complain. You were always more concerned about me. People say I'm strong, but it was you who was strong. Resilient. A warrior. Through all the appointments, travelling to and from Toronto, MRI's, rehab, two brain surgeries, chemo, and radiation, you were always fighting. While in palliative you fought tooth and nail, and I remember walking into your room a handful of times and seeing you in your wheelchair. I was so proud of you. I always have been. Those moments when I took you outside so you could feel the sun on your face, despite my heart being stricken with grief and knowing what was coming, knowing I was going to lose you, will forever be in my memory. Despite being married for only seven months, those were the best seven months of my life. I still struggle to say "late husband", three years later. I can't bring myself to say it all the time.
I was with you when you peacefully laid down your sword and shield, and I will forever be grateful for this. I did everything within my power to ensure you did not go alone, though it is my belief your grandparents and uncle greeted you. I can only hope you knew I was there with you, that I held your face and tearfully said you were now free.
Everything hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I often think about what could have been, what our lives would look like right now. I like to think we'd be married and have a place to call our own. But it's like the song says, it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. Every day I'm reminded of what happened, what could have been. But my heart aches for you, not only because I miss you (understatement of my life) but because you were so cruelly robbed. You were only 33. I hate being older than you because it was never supposed to be this way.
Life has never been the same since that day. I am not the person I once was. I'm more short-tempered, more impatient, and more angry. I’m broken and my walls are back up. I struggle to believe in God (I have a snarky reply for anyone who tells me I'm going to Hell, which I've had happen, and I think you'd like it) because how am I supposed to believe in a higher power when you were taken? You were a believer, and so I believe you are with Him (even if I have some choice words for Him). But I know you are with me, because you've told me twice. You've said you love me, you miss me, and you're waiting for me. You also said I'd find someone, and while I believe you and hope that happens my heart will always belong to you. You will always be my husband and my first love. You made me vulnerable, tore down the walls I had constructed around myself in my childhood. Being vulnerable wasn’t nearly as scary as I once thought it’d be, and I have you to thank for that. If I had my life to live over again, if I could turn back the clock, I'd find you sooner so that I could love you longer.
There is a corner of my heart that is yours. I don't mean for now, or until I've found someone. I mean forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over, or once, or never again, there will always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.
I thought we'd get to see forever,
But forever's gone away,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don't know where this road is going to lead,
All I know is where we've been,
And what we have been through.
If we get to see tomorrow,
I hope it's worth all the wait,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories,
To be my sunshine after the rain,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I'll see you on the other side of the stars. I love you to the moon and back. Always. Endlessly. Infinitely. Heart and soul.
I love you 3000 ❤❤❤
Keith W.R.E.
January 6th, 1985 - June 5th, 2018
Three days after your passing I thought to myself, it feels like three years.
Three years is now here.
I don't even know where to begin with this.
You have missed so much in the last 36 months. Birthdays, anniversaries, engagements, holidays, trips, baby announcements (I know one in particular that would make you really happy), me finally getting my G license and a LTO...and every single time I've wanted to text you telling you the good news. But I can't, and it hurts.
You fought so damn hard, and not once did you complain. You were always more concerned about me. People say I'm strong, but it was you who was strong. Resilient. A warrior. Through all the appointments, travelling to and from Toronto, MRI's, rehab, two brain surgeries, chemo, and radiation, you were always fighting. While in palliative you fought tooth and nail, and I remember walking into your room a handful of times and seeing you in your wheelchair. I was so proud of you. I always have been. Those moments when I took you outside so you could feel the sun on your face, despite my heart being stricken with grief and knowing what was coming, knowing I was going to lose you, will forever be in my memory. Despite being married for only seven months, those were the best seven months of my life. I still struggle to say "late husband", three years later. I can't bring myself to say it all the time.
I was with you when you peacefully laid down your sword and shield, and I will forever be grateful for this. I did everything within my power to ensure you did not go alone, though it is my belief your grandparents and uncle greeted you. I can only hope you knew I was there with you, that I held your face and tearfully said you were now free.
Everything hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I often think about what could have been, what our lives would look like right now. I like to think we'd be married and have a place to call our own. But it's like the song says, it's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. Every day I'm reminded of what happened, what could have been. But my heart aches for you, not only because I miss you (understatement of my life) but because you were so cruelly robbed. You were only 33. I hate being older than you because it was never supposed to be this way.
Life has never been the same since that day. I am not the person I once was. I'm more short-tempered, more impatient, and more angry. I’m broken and my walls are back up. I struggle to believe in God (I have a snarky reply for anyone who tells me I'm going to Hell, which I've had happen, and I think you'd like it) because how am I supposed to believe in a higher power when you were taken? You were a believer, and so I believe you are with Him (even if I have some choice words for Him). But I know you are with me, because you've told me twice. You've said you love me, you miss me, and you're waiting for me. You also said I'd find someone, and while I believe you and hope that happens my heart will always belong to you. You will always be my husband and my first love. You made me vulnerable, tore down the walls I had constructed around myself in my childhood. Being vulnerable wasn’t nearly as scary as I once thought it’d be, and I have you to thank for that. If I had my life to live over again, if I could turn back the clock, I'd find you sooner so that I could love you longer.
There is a corner of my heart that is yours. I don't mean for now, or until I've found someone. I mean forever. Whether I fall in love a thousand times over, or once, or never again, there will always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you.
I thought we'd get to see forever,
But forever's gone away,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I don't know where this road is going to lead,
All I know is where we've been,
And what we have been through.
If we get to see tomorrow,
I hope it's worth all the wait,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
And I'll take with me the memories,
To be my sunshine after the rain,
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
I'll see you on the other side of the stars. I love you to the moon and back. Always. Endlessly. Infinitely. Heart and soul.
I love you 3000 ❤❤❤
Keith W.R.E.
January 6th, 1985 - June 5th, 2018