I didn't think I'd be back, but...
this is long, long overdue. and if anyone has kept me on as a friend thinking i may pop back in, well, i suppose this is for you. (it's going to be long, so hang on...)
my life has been a bit mysterious for the past two years, and it just occurred to me that i didn't just slowly morph into the me that i am now with the friends i have now, but that i did a sort-of about-face from old Melissa to new Melissa that left some folks behind without a whole lot of explanation (this includes lj peeps *and* my best friends from high school, along with a few others).
first, though, don't get me wrong with the whole "new Melissa" stuff. it's just the easiest way to put it into words, and i do not intend to say that i am a totally different person than i was two years ago. but changed, significantly, in a way that i see everyday.
here's why: two years ago i was four years into my relationship with laurie. we were talking about moving together to minnesota, and i was looking at grad programs there. we had been through a lot together, and at the time i was totally committed to her and the relationship. i will not say that what we had wasn't real, or that the relationship was a mistake, however, no matter where we were, or what we were doing, i was not satisfied. she was never enough, i was never enough, what we had, what we did...never E N O U G H.
and it wasn't just her, or our relationship - it was *me*. everything around me constantly disappointed me, and i was constantly disappointed in myself. the worst, though, for me, was that no.one.understood. no one was *always* on my side. no one "got me," stood up for me, supported me, knew my heart in a way that i needed...
let me just step back for a second to give you more context: i was a pretty happy, talented kid, but once i hit fifth grade or so, i became unhinged. i had no confidence - i thought i was ugly, fat, unlovable; i craved attention (specifically from female friends and teachers); i was extremely, extremely sensitive to others comments, looks, and actions; i fell into depression and withdrew into myself very easily; and i had a very active fantasy life.
in high school, i'd take these walks on the back country roads for hours. i'd take my walkman with mixtapes i had made (usually loaded with tori, the cranberries, and the indigo girls) and i'd just sort of daydream. i'd think about all the people in my life and the most recent disappointment - kendra didn't call me back last night, or libbie choose amanda over me, or kelli + heather were going camping and they didn't invite me...it was always something - something that seemed so huge and important, something that confirmed my self-image: i wasn't fun enough or cool enough, i wasn't likable, and certainly not lovable. (**i realize these things seem quite trivial, and they are, but for me, at the time, they.were.everything. i became unwound at the slightest, well, slight - it was all magnified, and not just when i was 16. this didn't start to fade until very recently.)
while walking those back country roads, i always imagined a van driving by, slowing, and pulling to a stop on the road. in fact, i wrote poems about it. the van wasn't driven by some creepy guy, but instead was a tour bus for, say, the indigo girls. in this fantasy, they'd get out and talk to me, hear *my story,* U N D E R S T A N D me in a way that my parents and friends didn't, and take me with them.
by 17 i really did feel the need to be rescued from my life, and if you saw the circumstances of my life, you'd think i was nuts. i had everything, truly. family, friends, boyfriends, abilities in sports + school...but about once i year i truly wanted to kill myself, and not in a teen angsty way. in a real, i'm-at-the-bottom-of-a-pit-and-can't-take-it-anymore way.
when it occurred to me that i might be gay, it felt like a way out of all of that. it made sense, and gave me a new sense of security because i belonged to something - to a group of people *outside* the group of people already in my life. and since the people already in my life didn't understand me, i was sure this was the reason, and, therefore, the new group would.
without getting too much into college and post-college, i'll just say this: i simply transferred my super-high expectations from one group to another, thinking i had figured it out, and, instead, the results were the same.
(i'm not trying to minimize my feelings for women, or the fact that i thought, for a good ten years, that i would only be complete if i had one beside me. i am saying though, for me, it was another way to fill myself that didn't quite do the trick.)
what i'm essentially trying to say, in far too many words, is that i've always felt the need for a rescuer, for someone to "complete" me, for someone to get me, understand me, and love me. and, in my life, that didn't (and won't) come in the form of another person. it simply can't. once i got there, and realized i was doing a shitty job carrying the weight of making everything in my life work, i stopped what i was doing and asked that God take it from me - all of it.
in church-speak: i recognized my brokenness and my need for a lord and savior in Jesus Christ.
since then, well, it's been interesting, scary, and awesome. when i first started attending my church, i entered with a bag full of preconceived notions about church (unwelcoming and ridgid), about God (fuzzy, white, and in the sky), about Jesus ("nice guy"), and about "church people" (self-righteous, WEIRD). i also encountered things right away that i found very, very strange and made me slightly uncomfortable: people singing so passionately for/to God that they put their hands in the air, prayer in groups, conversations about what God's done in people's lives, Jesus everywhere Jesus...
here's the thing, though - i'm not going to tell you you need to be anyone other than who you are, and i'm not going to tell you to stop doing things you're doing. i don't believe in that, and, truly, i don't think Jesus does either. he wasn't a big fan of "religion," you know? the religious leaders in the bible are the *bad* guys, and the folks Jesus hangs with are the banged-up people like me - the tax collectors and the prostitutes. and maybe you don't need saving, maybe you're doing a great job on your own and cheers to you for that. but maybe you're not. i certainly wasn't.
either way, it's clear to me that we are all loved and watched-over by someone greater than ourselves (God). He's just waiting for you to look up and say hey. You don't need to do anything first, like get a haircut or buy new pants (or be different in any way from you.now), and you don't need to worry that He's going to come down and start making you stop doing the stuff you like doing.
for me, things in my life *did* change, some almost immediately. first, i stopped seeking people (or just one person) to understand and accept me - it's opened me up to really fulfilling friendships that aren't so burdened with expectations and disappointments, and, truly, i've never experienced it before. ever. second, keeping my eyes on God takes them off of me, where they love to be. i'm not so worried or anxious - i don't need to be all things to all people, and i don't need to be the best at anything. finally, my daily routine is different, and it may sound really weird, but i listen to praise music (old hymns are my favorite) in the mornings and read the bible and pray at night. i talk to Jesus like He's my best friend, i believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, i go to bible studies and prayer meetings, i teach sunday school, and most of my best friends are people i met at church.
i don't feel boxed in, and i don't feel regimented - i feel pretty light and free.
(of course, it's not all sunshine and roses - my life isn't perfect, and i do get lonely living by myself, and i still struggle with the things i've struggled with all my life - only now i don't do it alone, and it makes a world of difference.)
hey, if you got this far i imagine one of three things is true: 1. you think i've gone off the deep-end and you're uncomfortable and perhaps a bit angry; 2. you're a firm believer in "to each, their own" and none of this bothers you at all, even if it's not for you; 3. something in this is familiar to you, and encourages you to continue seeking your truth.
all three are, of course, acceptable, and, actually, i'd love to hear from you no matter where you fall.
blessings.
my life has been a bit mysterious for the past two years, and it just occurred to me that i didn't just slowly morph into the me that i am now with the friends i have now, but that i did a sort-of about-face from old Melissa to new Melissa that left some folks behind without a whole lot of explanation (this includes lj peeps *and* my best friends from high school, along with a few others).
first, though, don't get me wrong with the whole "new Melissa" stuff. it's just the easiest way to put it into words, and i do not intend to say that i am a totally different person than i was two years ago. but changed, significantly, in a way that i see everyday.
here's why: two years ago i was four years into my relationship with laurie. we were talking about moving together to minnesota, and i was looking at grad programs there. we had been through a lot together, and at the time i was totally committed to her and the relationship. i will not say that what we had wasn't real, or that the relationship was a mistake, however, no matter where we were, or what we were doing, i was not satisfied. she was never enough, i was never enough, what we had, what we did...never E N O U G H.
and it wasn't just her, or our relationship - it was *me*. everything around me constantly disappointed me, and i was constantly disappointed in myself. the worst, though, for me, was that no.one.understood. no one was *always* on my side. no one "got me," stood up for me, supported me, knew my heart in a way that i needed...
let me just step back for a second to give you more context: i was a pretty happy, talented kid, but once i hit fifth grade or so, i became unhinged. i had no confidence - i thought i was ugly, fat, unlovable; i craved attention (specifically from female friends and teachers); i was extremely, extremely sensitive to others comments, looks, and actions; i fell into depression and withdrew into myself very easily; and i had a very active fantasy life.
in high school, i'd take these walks on the back country roads for hours. i'd take my walkman with mixtapes i had made (usually loaded with tori, the cranberries, and the indigo girls) and i'd just sort of daydream. i'd think about all the people in my life and the most recent disappointment - kendra didn't call me back last night, or libbie choose amanda over me, or kelli + heather were going camping and they didn't invite me...it was always something - something that seemed so huge and important, something that confirmed my self-image: i wasn't fun enough or cool enough, i wasn't likable, and certainly not lovable. (**i realize these things seem quite trivial, and they are, but for me, at the time, they.were.everything. i became unwound at the slightest, well, slight - it was all magnified, and not just when i was 16. this didn't start to fade until very recently.)
while walking those back country roads, i always imagined a van driving by, slowing, and pulling to a stop on the road. in fact, i wrote poems about it. the van wasn't driven by some creepy guy, but instead was a tour bus for, say, the indigo girls. in this fantasy, they'd get out and talk to me, hear *my story,* U N D E R S T A N D me in a way that my parents and friends didn't, and take me with them.
by 17 i really did feel the need to be rescued from my life, and if you saw the circumstances of my life, you'd think i was nuts. i had everything, truly. family, friends, boyfriends, abilities in sports + school...but about once i year i truly wanted to kill myself, and not in a teen angsty way. in a real, i'm-at-the-bottom-of-a-pit-and-can't-take-it-anymore way.
when it occurred to me that i might be gay, it felt like a way out of all of that. it made sense, and gave me a new sense of security because i belonged to something - to a group of people *outside* the group of people already in my life. and since the people already in my life didn't understand me, i was sure this was the reason, and, therefore, the new group would.
without getting too much into college and post-college, i'll just say this: i simply transferred my super-high expectations from one group to another, thinking i had figured it out, and, instead, the results were the same.
(i'm not trying to minimize my feelings for women, or the fact that i thought, for a good ten years, that i would only be complete if i had one beside me. i am saying though, for me, it was another way to fill myself that didn't quite do the trick.)
what i'm essentially trying to say, in far too many words, is that i've always felt the need for a rescuer, for someone to "complete" me, for someone to get me, understand me, and love me. and, in my life, that didn't (and won't) come in the form of another person. it simply can't. once i got there, and realized i was doing a shitty job carrying the weight of making everything in my life work, i stopped what i was doing and asked that God take it from me - all of it.
in church-speak: i recognized my brokenness and my need for a lord and savior in Jesus Christ.
since then, well, it's been interesting, scary, and awesome. when i first started attending my church, i entered with a bag full of preconceived notions about church (unwelcoming and ridgid), about God (fuzzy, white, and in the sky), about Jesus ("nice guy"), and about "church people" (self-righteous, WEIRD). i also encountered things right away that i found very, very strange and made me slightly uncomfortable: people singing so passionately for/to God that they put their hands in the air, prayer in groups, conversations about what God's done in people's lives, Jesus everywhere Jesus...
here's the thing, though - i'm not going to tell you you need to be anyone other than who you are, and i'm not going to tell you to stop doing things you're doing. i don't believe in that, and, truly, i don't think Jesus does either. he wasn't a big fan of "religion," you know? the religious leaders in the bible are the *bad* guys, and the folks Jesus hangs with are the banged-up people like me - the tax collectors and the prostitutes. and maybe you don't need saving, maybe you're doing a great job on your own and cheers to you for that. but maybe you're not. i certainly wasn't.
either way, it's clear to me that we are all loved and watched-over by someone greater than ourselves (God). He's just waiting for you to look up and say hey. You don't need to do anything first, like get a haircut or buy new pants (or be different in any way from you.now), and you don't need to worry that He's going to come down and start making you stop doing the stuff you like doing.
for me, things in my life *did* change, some almost immediately. first, i stopped seeking people (or just one person) to understand and accept me - it's opened me up to really fulfilling friendships that aren't so burdened with expectations and disappointments, and, truly, i've never experienced it before. ever. second, keeping my eyes on God takes them off of me, where they love to be. i'm not so worried or anxious - i don't need to be all things to all people, and i don't need to be the best at anything. finally, my daily routine is different, and it may sound really weird, but i listen to praise music (old hymns are my favorite) in the mornings and read the bible and pray at night. i talk to Jesus like He's my best friend, i believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, i go to bible studies and prayer meetings, i teach sunday school, and most of my best friends are people i met at church.
i don't feel boxed in, and i don't feel regimented - i feel pretty light and free.
(of course, it's not all sunshine and roses - my life isn't perfect, and i do get lonely living by myself, and i still struggle with the things i've struggled with all my life - only now i don't do it alone, and it makes a world of difference.)
hey, if you got this far i imagine one of three things is true: 1. you think i've gone off the deep-end and you're uncomfortable and perhaps a bit angry; 2. you're a firm believer in "to each, their own" and none of this bothers you at all, even if it's not for you; 3. something in this is familiar to you, and encourages you to continue seeking your truth.
all three are, of course, acceptable, and, actually, i'd love to hear from you no matter where you fall.
blessings.