interesting essay a friend of mine wrote....
tell me what you all think:
This essay actually began when I started the previous assignment. I thought it would be easy to write about cohabitation versus marriage because I had previously believed so firmly in “test-driving” with live-in relationships. Unfortunately all the research that I found on the subject started to lead me farther away from my original point of view. I quite obviously used to believe in cohabitation; but, in light of recent events in my life, I am slowly starting to become concerned that this is based on no concrete evidence whatsoever and that the benefits of a committed marriage far outweigh those of cohabitation.
It all started with my divorce four years ago; the ultimate failure. I realize now that in my quest to keep from failing again I have doomed all of my serious relationships since then. According to David Popenoe “living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce. One study found an increased risk of 46%.” (Cohabitation) This figure is far from reassuring.
I used to think that living with someone would bring us closer and prepare us for our eventual married life together, but according to most research that is not the case. My previous three relationships should be proof enough that living together does not necessarily lead to marriage; but I am one of those that like to learn stuff the hard way. Cohabiters, like me, are usually more liberal and tend to think less of marriage as an institution. This often leads couples to think of their budding relationship as noncommittal. In turn, the lack of commitment can lead to insecurities about sexual fidelity and make sex and the relationship less enjoyable; and since there is no commitment there is not much reason to stay when the relationship turns south.
Additionally, being a single mother brings another frightening statistic to light. According to Popenoe “One study found that the risk of domestic violence for women in cohabiting relationships was double that in married relationships; the risk is even greater for child abuse.”(Cohabitation) I unfortunately have learned about that statistic firsthand and was lucky enough to get my son out of the situation before he was hurt physically. Furthermore “Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting.” This means to me that although my son was never physically or sexually abused I simply may not be aware of the psychological toll my breakups have taken on him. What is more is that “Two studies, one in Canada and the other in the United States, found that women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships”.
In the end the only benefit that I could feasibly come up with for cohabitating was financial. Not surprisingly, no amount of money can replace my sons’ physical and mental wellbeing nor can it replace my time wasted. From now on I will just have to face the facts, learn that I can take care of my son and myself without a “roomie with benefits”, and make a firm commitment of “forever” vice “until I am bored with you”.
This essay actually began when I started the previous assignment. I thought it would be easy to write about cohabitation versus marriage because I had previously believed so firmly in “test-driving” with live-in relationships. Unfortunately all the research that I found on the subject started to lead me farther away from my original point of view. I quite obviously used to believe in cohabitation; but, in light of recent events in my life, I am slowly starting to become concerned that this is based on no concrete evidence whatsoever and that the benefits of a committed marriage far outweigh those of cohabitation.
It all started with my divorce four years ago; the ultimate failure. I realize now that in my quest to keep from failing again I have doomed all of my serious relationships since then. According to David Popenoe “living together before marriage increases the risk of divorce. One study found an increased risk of 46%.” (Cohabitation) This figure is far from reassuring.
I used to think that living with someone would bring us closer and prepare us for our eventual married life together, but according to most research that is not the case. My previous three relationships should be proof enough that living together does not necessarily lead to marriage; but I am one of those that like to learn stuff the hard way. Cohabiters, like me, are usually more liberal and tend to think less of marriage as an institution. This often leads couples to think of their budding relationship as noncommittal. In turn, the lack of commitment can lead to insecurities about sexual fidelity and make sex and the relationship less enjoyable; and since there is no commitment there is not much reason to stay when the relationship turns south.
Additionally, being a single mother brings another frightening statistic to light. According to Popenoe “One study found that the risk of domestic violence for women in cohabiting relationships was double that in married relationships; the risk is even greater for child abuse.”(Cohabitation) I unfortunately have learned about that statistic firsthand and was lucky enough to get my son out of the situation before he was hurt physically. Furthermore “Cohabiting parents break up at a much higher rate than married parents and the effects of breakup can be devastating and often long lasting.” This means to me that although my son was never physically or sexually abused I simply may not be aware of the psychological toll my breakups have taken on him. What is more is that “Two studies, one in Canada and the other in the United States, found that women in cohabiting relationships are about nine times more likely to be killed by their partner than are women in marital relationships”.
In the end the only benefit that I could feasibly come up with for cohabitating was financial. Not surprisingly, no amount of money can replace my sons’ physical and mental wellbeing nor can it replace my time wasted. From now on I will just have to face the facts, learn that I can take care of my son and myself without a “roomie with benefits”, and make a firm commitment of “forever” vice “until I am bored with you”.