Dear LJ
Dear LJ,
I haven't written in you for a very long time. There are probably reasons for that, but none that I can seem to explain.
I suppose it has to do with the original reason why I had to open you. Someone had to hear me vent. I needed somewhere that I could be genuine and honest, and most importantly, I hoped someone would hear my venting and understand so that I would know I wasn't alone.
Life before you was indeed lonely. Pitiful writing isn't the same when one is only writing for their own eyes.
There was also a secret... I knew that this LJ was magic and would one day help me find my prince. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that this LJ was like my glass slipper. Call me silly, but I do belive in such things. One has to or the world becomes grey like concrete in a small city.
So I started writing down my inner torment. Would I turn out like my crazy sister? Was I doomed to forever be alone? Would I forever recoil when someone leaned in to get a kiss? I've never felt normal, glad to know I probably wasn't. Though that has upset me at times, it makes me very happy to be so different from the norm.
But eventually something changed. I became happy. And when you're happy, what more is there to say?
To all my friends that I've met online, I'm sorry I'm never online anymore. I never was online very much to begin with really. And now I can't seem to find AIM on my computer. I think it ran away from neglect. I should have fed it more often. (Added as I post: I managed to find it last night. I just deleted the shortcut, and that seemed to take it out of the start> programs list.)
Anyway, for those I've met online, I don't want anyone to think they're less important to me simply because I don't come online as much. It isn't the way I've met you that is important to me. It's the bond we share. In each case, to me at least, it is an emotional bond.
I still read and comment if I know what to say, though lately I have found myself to lack the ability that always came naturally to me before. Probably that has something to do with my hermit phase where I don't feel like talking or doing much of anything.
Anyway, I feel it is time to put baggage behind me. I think I'd like to get a new journal, but I am terrible with names. Studyofme has always been my name, but the problem is that this is no longer a study of me. Studyofme also carries a lot of emotional baggage from high school. I am simply not the same person I was. Were someone from high school to meet me now, they'd wonder where the real Nina went and who had replaced her. The irony is that this is probably the person I always was, but due to outside factors (*coughcrazysistercough*) I had to become someone else to protect myself. The thing is now, except for that one factor, I can't remember any of the others that caused me to hide in my shell.
I'm still wading out. Sometimes I put a foot out and the water is too cold, so I have to stand back. Other days, I stick out a toe and before I know it, I'm waist deep. It's always a daily struggle, still, but as time passes and I force the muscles to work more often, it becomes easier to smile, joke laugh and be happy.
So, I need a new name. XD I'm taking from my friend Care_e's lead there. But since I'm just terrible with names, someone come up with something for me while I think it over.
I haven't written in you for a very long time. There are probably reasons for that, but none that I can seem to explain.
I suppose it has to do with the original reason why I had to open you. Someone had to hear me vent. I needed somewhere that I could be genuine and honest, and most importantly, I hoped someone would hear my venting and understand so that I would know I wasn't alone.
Life before you was indeed lonely. Pitiful writing isn't the same when one is only writing for their own eyes.
There was also a secret... I knew that this LJ was magic and would one day help me find my prince. Somewhere deep inside, I knew that this LJ was like my glass slipper. Call me silly, but I do belive in such things. One has to or the world becomes grey like concrete in a small city.
So I started writing down my inner torment. Would I turn out like my crazy sister? Was I doomed to forever be alone? Would I forever recoil when someone leaned in to get a kiss? I've never felt normal, glad to know I probably wasn't. Though that has upset me at times, it makes me very happy to be so different from the norm.
But eventually something changed. I became happy. And when you're happy, what more is there to say?
To all my friends that I've met online, I'm sorry I'm never online anymore. I never was online very much to begin with really. And now I can't seem to find AIM on my computer. I think it ran away from neglect. I should have fed it more often. (Added as I post: I managed to find it last night. I just deleted the shortcut, and that seemed to take it out of the start> programs list.)
Anyway, for those I've met online, I don't want anyone to think they're less important to me simply because I don't come online as much. It isn't the way I've met you that is important to me. It's the bond we share. In each case, to me at least, it is an emotional bond.
I still read and comment if I know what to say, though lately I have found myself to lack the ability that always came naturally to me before. Probably that has something to do with my hermit phase where I don't feel like talking or doing much of anything.
Anyway, I feel it is time to put baggage behind me. I think I'd like to get a new journal, but I am terrible with names. Studyofme has always been my name, but the problem is that this is no longer a study of me. Studyofme also carries a lot of emotional baggage from high school. I am simply not the same person I was. Were someone from high school to meet me now, they'd wonder where the real Nina went and who had replaced her. The irony is that this is probably the person I always was, but due to outside factors (*coughcrazysistercough*) I had to become someone else to protect myself. The thing is now, except for that one factor, I can't remember any of the others that caused me to hide in my shell.
I'm still wading out. Sometimes I put a foot out and the water is too cold, so I have to stand back. Other days, I stick out a toe and before I know it, I'm waist deep. It's always a daily struggle, still, but as time passes and I force the muscles to work more often, it becomes easier to smile, joke laugh and be happy.
So, I need a new name. XD I'm taking from my friend Care_e's lead there. But since I'm just terrible with names, someone come up with something for me while I think it over.