bad sit-u-a-tion
so maybe i have mentioned before hand that i haven't been writing a lot because i haven't had a lot of alone time. and that indeed has been the case. i am with drew a lot, and i really care about him. the strange thing is is that sometimes, it seems like he cares about me more than i do him. usually i feel like it's vice versa. i was head over heels for him like i usually make the mistake of doing a lot, but then as time went on i got a grip on reality and the relationship is nice, it is rational. i've been with him almost every night for a while. but... sometimes i miss waking up in my own bed and having my morning routine of getting ready and making coffee. sometimes i miss settling down at night and having the quiet to reflect upon things. so i was thinking, tonight, i want to stay at my place.
but of course i would miss him. and i thought, maybe i'll just leave early in the morning and go running and finish at my room in time to take a shower and make coffee and such.
obviously now, i am alone and able to write this, and boy do i need to write to get this out. i have had a shitty week emotionally. i got a C on the urban map i made, and i worked very hard on it. after that and not having any ideas at the time for the housing i'm designing in studio, i just felt like i was in a rut. why the hell am i in architecture school... i am a joke of an architecture student... drew insisted on coming over after i said that i needed to just go back to my room and be alone because i needed to cry. i was just holding it back. and he wants to save the day and this and that, but i don't want to put this on anyone. i have been doing very well for a while. i am hoping that this is just a bad week and not something bigger than that.
so then last night when i was with him, he started arguing about how i should live my life this summer, him not being aware of what it is like to have to be on your own, rely on public transportation, not have any credit, and try to balance a work schedule with the transportation schedule, and so on. he makes things sound so easy. 'well you might have to get two jobs, that's all.' ok, so i was just irritated with that, because for being the son of an artist and a teacher, he sometimes really acts like a rich white boy. and i wanted to go back to my place then, just because i was in a funk, and i didn't want to ruin his night, i wanted him to keep hanging out with his friends. but he insisted that being with me was what he wanted to do. so ok.
tonight i went out to play frisbee and nd there is this one guy i just don't really care for. i noticed that so many times he would throw it to someone on our team and they would miss it, when i would be wide open. so someone had just scored and we were starting over again, and i was frustrated with him looking me over like i was invisible so i said, i'm going to get some water. and he said, what? right now? and i said, yeah, i mean, what difference does it make, you don't pass it to me anyway.
and i said it really loud.
and everyone heard.
and then i felt really stupid and then, people started throwing it to me, and i never caught it. i just had to leave. i didn't care about the game anymore. i just wanted to go. so when the game was finally over i did go and i didn't say bye, i just picked up my keys and started walking. i heard kyle yell, bye. and i yelled bye. and drew yelled, where are you going? home! but you didn't even say bye. so i yelled bye again. and then i ran home.
i don't want to take it out on people. and, i don't want drew to run after me, or even worry about it like i know he will. sometime is going on. pms, i don't know. do i need a medicine change? i don't know. bad week and next week will be fine? i hope so. my biggest fear is people distancing themselves from me because they don't want to deal with my crap.
things are so busy. i have no time to organize any service for church because all of my saturdays are full. rely for life, they always ask me what i've done and i say nothing. because... they always tell me to do this and this, that they'll email me about it, and the never do, so thus, i don't do anything. the volunteer club doesn't exist. all the girls at church seem to get together and party anyway, and i just feel responsible for things failing.
i really care about drew.
but i am down right now, and i've got to pick my self up like a big girl. he seems surprised when i'm surprised that he does things for me. that is all i have ever known. i feel like this stupid running away is so childish. it's embarassing. but the feelings of frustration and anger, i just can't express them. and frustration gets me so down.
i went to philadelphia and mississippi in the time frame of two weeks and i must write about what happened there. i need that feeling to come back to me. i need to remember God.
but of course i would miss him. and i thought, maybe i'll just leave early in the morning and go running and finish at my room in time to take a shower and make coffee and such.
obviously now, i am alone and able to write this, and boy do i need to write to get this out. i have had a shitty week emotionally. i got a C on the urban map i made, and i worked very hard on it. after that and not having any ideas at the time for the housing i'm designing in studio, i just felt like i was in a rut. why the hell am i in architecture school... i am a joke of an architecture student... drew insisted on coming over after i said that i needed to just go back to my room and be alone because i needed to cry. i was just holding it back. and he wants to save the day and this and that, but i don't want to put this on anyone. i have been doing very well for a while. i am hoping that this is just a bad week and not something bigger than that.
so then last night when i was with him, he started arguing about how i should live my life this summer, him not being aware of what it is like to have to be on your own, rely on public transportation, not have any credit, and try to balance a work schedule with the transportation schedule, and so on. he makes things sound so easy. 'well you might have to get two jobs, that's all.' ok, so i was just irritated with that, because for being the son of an artist and a teacher, he sometimes really acts like a rich white boy. and i wanted to go back to my place then, just because i was in a funk, and i didn't want to ruin his night, i wanted him to keep hanging out with his friends. but he insisted that being with me was what he wanted to do. so ok.
tonight i went out to play frisbee and nd there is this one guy i just don't really care for. i noticed that so many times he would throw it to someone on our team and they would miss it, when i would be wide open. so someone had just scored and we were starting over again, and i was frustrated with him looking me over like i was invisible so i said, i'm going to get some water. and he said, what? right now? and i said, yeah, i mean, what difference does it make, you don't pass it to me anyway.
and i said it really loud.
and everyone heard.
and then i felt really stupid and then, people started throwing it to me, and i never caught it. i just had to leave. i didn't care about the game anymore. i just wanted to go. so when the game was finally over i did go and i didn't say bye, i just picked up my keys and started walking. i heard kyle yell, bye. and i yelled bye. and drew yelled, where are you going? home! but you didn't even say bye. so i yelled bye again. and then i ran home.
i don't want to take it out on people. and, i don't want drew to run after me, or even worry about it like i know he will. sometime is going on. pms, i don't know. do i need a medicine change? i don't know. bad week and next week will be fine? i hope so. my biggest fear is people distancing themselves from me because they don't want to deal with my crap.
things are so busy. i have no time to organize any service for church because all of my saturdays are full. rely for life, they always ask me what i've done and i say nothing. because... they always tell me to do this and this, that they'll email me about it, and the never do, so thus, i don't do anything. the volunteer club doesn't exist. all the girls at church seem to get together and party anyway, and i just feel responsible for things failing.
i really care about drew.
but i am down right now, and i've got to pick my self up like a big girl. he seems surprised when i'm surprised that he does things for me. that is all i have ever known. i feel like this stupid running away is so childish. it's embarassing. but the feelings of frustration and anger, i just can't express them. and frustration gets me so down.
i went to philadelphia and mississippi in the time frame of two weeks and i must write about what happened there. i need that feeling to come back to me. i need to remember God.