Facing It Alone: Chapter Ten
Title: Facing It Alone
Author: Allie
Summery: Matt receives some devastating news. Will he give in and ask for help, or will he try and face it alone?
Rating: R
Characters or Pairing: Matt, Danny, Harriet and Jordan
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I wish I did =)
Please read and review =)
Facing It Alone: Chapter One
Facing It Alone: Chapter Two
Facing It Alone: Chapter Three
Facing It Alone: Chapter Four
Facing It Alone: Chapter Five
Facing It Alone: Chapter Six
Facing It Alone: Chapter Seven
Facing It Alone: Chapter Eight
Facing It Alone: Chapter Nine
Please read and review. It really helps when I know what you all think =)
Facing It Alone: Chapter Ten
“So, what’s wrong with him?” Tom asked, concern imprinted on his face.
“He has urm… He urm...”
“Danny.” Jordan looked at him, encouraging him to speak.
“He has leukaemia.” Danny managed, almost too quietly to be heard.
“So you’ve known for over a week and decided not to tell us.” Simon spat angrily.
“Simon, settle down. It’s not like that.” Jordan said, defending Danny’s decision.
“So, go on, tell us why you’d rather have us believe that Matt had a drug problem, than know he was seriously ill?” Simon demanded, stepping into Danny’s personal space.
Danny bit his bottom lip and slowly edged away from Simon. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“You’re sorry, that’s fine. But why did you keep it from us?” Tom asked, walking towards Danny and placing a hand on his shoulder.
“I just… I just wish he did have a drug problem right now.” Danny said desperately.
“What? No, you don’t, Danny! Remember how hard it was for you? You don’t want that for him.”
Danny looked at Tom sadly. “At least I’d be able to help him though. All I can do right now is watch him suffer.”
Tom stepped back, sensing Danny needed some space. “I’m sure just you being there is helping him, Danny.”
“I guess. Will you excuse me?” Danny said, as he quickly turned around and hurried up the twisting staircase that led upstairs.
“Is he going to be okay?” Jeannie asked worriedly, watching Danny disappear in to Matt’s office.
Jordan sighed. “I think it’s just hit him; that this is real.”
“So, what’s happening with Matty?” Tommy asked concerned.
Jordan began explaining the treatment process to them all.
“So, can we go and see him?” Sam asked, knowing it was a question they all wanted the answer to.
Jordan smiled and quickly glanced up at Danny sitting in Matt’s office. “I think he’d like that. I’ll talk to him about it later, okay?” She said, turning to make her way up the stairs.
“Hey, Jordan. Tell Matt that we… That we miss him, okay? Simon said sincerely.
XxXxX
A few weeks later, Harriet walked into Matt’s hospital room.
“Hey, baby. Did you sleep well?” She asked, looking over at Matt, who was lying on his bed. He’d been having his intensive chemotherapy treatment for a month now, and it broke Harriet’s heart to see him like this. He’d lost so much weight, the sparkle had gone from his eyes, and his skin was at least two shades paler than it was when he was first admitted.
“Eh. I’ve had better night’s sleep. I think I was thinking too much about my new round of chemo that’s starting today.”
“Aww, baby!” She soothed, walking towards him and throwing her cardigan onto his bed.
“So, what’s with the cap?” Harriet asked, lifting the bill of the hat off of his face, and kissing him gently on his dry lips. “Do you think you’re LL Cool J or something?” She teased.
Matt looked at Harriet before timidly removing his navy blue baseball cap and revealing his newly shaven head.
Harriet gasped as her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh my God.”
“Do you not like it?” He asked her, sounding a little dejected.
“Of course I do; I was just shocked. You never told me you were going to do it, that’s all.” Harriet explained, running her hand gently over his smooth head.
Matt could feel Harriet’s eyes on him. “What?”
“You, uh, you missed a bit.” She stuttered. “Would you like me to do it for you?” She asked gently, picking up the electric razor from his bedside table.
“Would you mind?”
“Of course not.” She took a deep breath, before turning the razor on. “You ready?”
Matt closed his eyes tightly. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Harriet lightly ran the razor over the small patch of hair at the back of Matt’s head that he’d missed himself.
“There you go, I’m all done.” She smiled, placing the baseball cap back on his head, with the bill pointing backwards. “That’s better.”
“Thanks, Harri.” Matt paused for a moment before continuing. “ It’s just I couldn’t stand waking up every morning and watching my hair fall out. As ridiculous as this sounds, it was harder for me to accept than anything else. No matter how sick I’ve been feeling lately, I could still pretend that this was all some soft of horrible dream and that I’d wake up any minute… But with this, I couldn’t pretend any more. I had to get rid of it, or I would have gone crazy.”
Harriet looked deep into Matt’s blue eyes and ran her hand smoothly down his arm. “You look so handsome.”
Matt rolled his eyes. “You’re just saying that because you’re my girlfriend.” He teased, turning his head towards her.
“I’m serious. I’ve never noticed how sparkly your eyes are.” She explained, leaning forwards slightly to get a better look.
“Sparkly?” He laughed. “Have you been taking some of my pain medication?” He teased.
“They’re just so blue… And pretty.”
Matt scrunched his nose up at her. “Pretty? Do you not think my eyes are sexy then?” He replied, amusingly.
“Eh, they’re alright.” She hit back jokingly as she picked his hand up off of the bed and brought it to her mouth for a kiss.
XxXxX
“Okay, so you’re sure you’re going to be okay?” Harriet asked later that afternoon. “I hate leaving you.”
“Harri, I’ll be fine. You know how important the show is to me. I want you to get back there in time for the final run-through before dress.” Matt assured her.
“I know, but you’re starting your treatment in a bit. What if I stay until Emma gets here?
Matt rubbed his eyes. “Harri, it’s show night. You have to be there for the final run-through. You can’t just go straight into dress. You’ve already spent way too much time with me this week; you’ve hardly had time to rehearse.”
“Too much time?” Harriet snapped.
“Sweetheart, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I’m sorry. I know you didn’t.” Harriet said, taking his hand gently in hers. “I just hate leaving you. I feel sick...”
“That will make two of us then.” Matt interrupted, trying to lighten the moment.
“I’m being serious, Matthew. The thought of you sitting here, going through this without me… It breaks my heart.” Harriet sighed, as she felt the warm tears roll down her cheek.
“Aw, babes. Don’t cry. Come on, come here.” He said, patting the bed for her to sit down next to him.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Come on, no more tears, ’kay?” He said, wiping her cheeks with a tissue.
“God, you’re the one going through all of this, and I’m the emotional wreck.” She laughed.
“I just don’t want you to worry about me tonight, okay? My mom will be here, and I’ll be fine.”
“I know.”
“I’m usually on my own on show night, anyway.”
“I know, I know. I’m just being stupid.” She told him, standing up, and buttoning up her pink cardigan.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. I can’t guarantee you the best conversation, but I look forward to your visit.” He smiled, kissing her on the lips as she bent down to say goodbye.
“Love you.”
“I love you too.” He grinned, blowing her a kiss as she left his room.
XxXxX
It was 10 minutes before show time, and Harriet ran to her cell phone, hearing the beep that announced that she had a text message.
“Eat them up!”
She knew that Lizzy had written the message for him as it said ‘eat them up’ not ‘eat em up’, but it still brought a smile to her face, knowing that Matthew was thinking about her, even when he wasn’t feeling well.
“Alright, huddle up!” Danny yelled, signaling for the entire cast to join him in the huddle backstage. “Eat ’em up guys. We’re going to have a great show tonight. You’ve all been working extremely hard these last few weeks, so let’s make Matty proud this evening by putting on an awesome show. Does anyone want to say anything quickly?”
“Can I?” Harriet asked, raising her hand.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Blessed are thee, Lord our God, Creator of the universe and Father of us all. I know that sometimes Matthew can act like a total jackass, but he really does have a heart of gold. He doesn’t deserve this. Please look after Matthew during his last few weeks of treatment, love him like your own, and help get him through this rough time… Amen.”
“Amen.” Everyone said at the same time.
Simon looked around the circle. “Let’s do this for Matt.” He said, placing his hand in the middle of the huddle, watching closely as everyone placed their hand on top of his, one by one.
“Five minutes until show time.” An assistant called out over the loudspeaker.
Danny cleared his throat as he walked towards his TV monitor. “Break a leg guys.”
“We’re going live in 5, 4, 3...”
“We’re Live from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. It’s Friday night in Hollywood with Harriet Hayes, Simon Stiles, and Tom Jeeter.”
XxXxX
As soon as Harriet finished the show, she picked up her cell to call Lizzy. “How is he?”
“He’s not doing too well tonight, Harriet. The chemo has made him pretty sick.”
Harriet swallowed hard, trying to stop the lump from rising in her throat. “More than usual?”
“Yes. Emma said his last round of treatment would be even stronger than the last, so his side effects could worsen.” Lizzy told her, her voice starting to break.
“I’ll come right down.”
“No. You go home, sweetheart. I’ve finally managed to get him off to sleep. Come down in the morning, okay?”
“I don’t mind.”
“Harriet, you and I both know that Matthew would not be happy with me letting you come down after work.”
“I know you’re right.”
“So then go home.”
“Promise you’ll call me if anything happens?”
“Of course I will. Now sleep well.”
“Thanks, Lizzy.”
“Night night, darling.”
Harriet stared at her hot pink cell phone that she was still gripping tightly in her hand. With a sigh, she made her way to her dressing room. She opened the door quietly, surprised to see Jeannie sitting there waiting for her.
“Hey.” Harriet greeted Jeannie.
“How is he?”
Harriet took a seat opposite Jeannie. “I just got off the phone with his mom. She said he isn’t doing too well tonight.”
“I know you and I haven’t seen eye to eye, since… Well, you know. But, I’m always here for you if you need to talk.” Jeannie said, reaching over and squeezing Harriet’s hands.
“I’m just so scared that I’ll lose him, Jeannie. One minute he seems fine, and then the next minute he’s throwing up all over the place. What if it’s not working? What if he’s going through all of this for nothing?” Harriet sobbed, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Harriet, you can’t think like that. You have to think positively for Matthew. He needs you right now; he needs you to be strong for him.”
“I know and I am trying, it’s just so hard.” Harriet agreed softly. “I can’t believe how nice you’re being to me; I’ve been nothing but a bitch to you.” She said, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.
“I probably deserved it.”
“You did.” Harriet smiled, emphasizing she was only kidding.
“Seriously, Harri. Night or day, you have my number; give me a call, okay? I’ve known Matty a long time, and I love him dearly…” Jeannie stopped abruptly, seeing Harriet’s wary look on her face. “Only as a friend. I promise, he’s all yours.” Jeannie grinned, standing up. “Promise you’ll call me if you need anything?”
“I promise.”
“Okay, go home and get some sleep.”
“I will… And Jeannie, thank you.” She said, standing up and hugging Jeannie.
“Hey, what are friends for?”
XxXxX
“Can I come in?” Harriet asked, knocking on Matt’s door the next day.
“Of course you can.” Lizzy whispered, pointing to a sleeping Matt.
“He’s still asleep?”
“He didn’t have a good night last night.” Lizzy said quietly, pulling Harriet away from the bed so they could talk.
“You said you’d call me if anything happened.”
Lizzy glanced over to check that Matthew was still asleep. “I know I did darling, but he asked me not to. He really wasn’t very well. I’ve never seen him like this.”
“Has Emma been to see him this morning?” Harriet asked, clutching one of Matt’s Yankee T-shirts.
“She’s due any minute.” Lizzy told her.
They both crept over to Matt and took a seat by his bed.
“Good morning.” Emma said, as she made her way into the room half an hour later. “How’s he been?”
“Not very well. He’s only been asleep an hour or so.” Lizzy explained.
“Okay, we need to make sure he gets plenty of food and drink in him. I told him this yesterday, but if he can’t keep anything down, we’re going to have to fit him with a gastric feeding tube.”
“Oh my God.” Lizzy exclaimed, as she paced the room nervously. “That’s pretty serious, isn’t it?”
“It sounds a lot scarier than it really is, and it is more of a precaution than anything else." She explained.
“Okay.” Lizzy relaxed a little.
“Hey.”
They all turned around when they heard that Matt had woken up.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?” Lizzy asked, as she dipped a washcloth into a bowl of cool water by the side of his bed.
Matt jumped a little at the cold sensation against his forehead.
“Horrible.” He replied, not bothering to open his eyes. “I feel so sick.”
“I know you do. This will all be over soon, sweetie.”
“Thanks Mom.” He whispered, searching around the bed for her hand to hold. “Is Harriet here?”
Harriet made her way over to his bed, taking his other hand in hers. “I’m here.”
“This is so hard.” He mumbled quietly. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Harriet bit her lip worriedly as she watched a few tears escape Matt’s closed eyes.
“Please don’t say that.” Lizzy begged. “Please, I can’t listen to you talking like that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Hey, sweetheart.” Emma’s voice softened as she walked towards him. “I’ve upped your anti-nausea medication, so you should start to feel a little better.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve also brought you in some Jell-O to try and help you eat something.”
“I really can’t. Just the thought of food makes me want to throw up.” He apologised.
“Can you at least try for me?” She asked gently. “Otherwise, we’re going to have no choice but to place you on a feeding tube.”
“I’ll try…”
“Harriet, can you gently hold his head still for me, while I raise the bed so he can sit up a little?”
“Sure.” Harriet said, placing her warm hands gently on either side of his head to stop him from feeling any sicker when the bed was moved.
“There you go.” Emma smiled warmly, as she placed the small plastic container of Jell-O in front of him.
Matt watched as Harriet pulled back the lid, scooping a small amount of Jell-O on to the spoon.
Matt’s hand shook slightly as he reached for the spoon, bringing it to his mouth slowly, hesitating a little before putting it into his mouth.
“How is it?” Emma asked, watching Matt carefully suck the Jell-O into his mouth, before attempting to swallow it.
“It was okay…” Matt told her, giving the spoon back to Harriet.
“Have your arms dropped off?” Emma teased, as she watched Harriet feed Matt some more Jell-O.
Matt smiled bashfully. “I like it when she does it.”
After a few more mouthfuls, Matt began to gag on the gooey substance in his mouth. He quickly leaned over the bucket that Emma had brought with her in case he reacted that way.
“It’s okay, hon.” Emma soothed, as she rubbed his back.
“I’m going to be sick again.”
There was silence for a few minutes, while they comforted Matt.
“I think I’m going to call your doctor and let him know that you aren’t managing to keep food down. You’ll feel a lot better once you’re on the feeding tube.”
“Okay.”
XxXxX
“Hey, Matty.” Danny greeted, as he walked into Matt’s hospital room two weeks later.
“Danny.” Matt smiled weakly as soon as he heard his best friend’s voice. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Yeah? Good. So, what’s for dinner tonight then?” He asked, as he watched Matt carefully peel back the gauze covering his feeding tube and injected the nutritional supplement down the small pipe, which led to his stomach.
“I’m having Chocolate tonight.”
“Chocolate? Can you even taste it? Danny asked, slightly confused.
“No.”
“So, why do they do flavour them?”
“I have no idea, but I like the fact I’m eating chocolate, even if I can’t taste it.” Matt told him, as he slowly administered his feed.
“Is everything okay?”
“Not really.” He mumbled, keeping his head down to avoid eye contact. “What is it?”
“I’ve just spoken to my doctor…” He stuttered. “They just got my results back from my bone marrow test, and it’s not looking good.”
“What… What uh… What do you mean?”
“I haven’t responded at all to my treatment. They said by now, they should be seeing an increase in my white blood count, but they haven’t.
“So, what did they say?”
“He told me to think about whether or not I want to stop the treatment for a while.” Matt told him, as he tried to hide the fear in his voice.
“What? You can’t stop the treatment, Matthew. That’s ridiculous. You’re stronger than this. You can’t just give up.”
Matt rubbed his eyes with a sigh. “I used to think I was strong, but I’m not. I can’t keep going on like this, Danny. I’ve already had so much shit pumped through my body, and it hasn’t even fucking worked.”
“Matt, I swear to God I am not letting you give up on yourself like this; not now, not after what you’ve already gone through.”
Matt idly played with a pen that he’d picked up from his bedside table, clicking it repeatedly. “This is slowly killing me, Danny. I’m not even talking about the leukaemia anymore, just this whole shitty experience.”
“So, what? You’re just going to sit back and let this thing beat you?” Danny asked, raising his voice.
Matt turned away; he didn’t want Danny to see the fear in his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Danny. What the hell am I supposed to tell my Mom, what about Harriet? What if this is it, Danny?” Matt’s voice broke with emotion, as stubborn tears began to roll down his cheek.
“I can’t listen to this anymore. I have to get back to work.” Danny said, as he stood up quickly.
“Danny, wait. Please stay here for a bit. I really need to talk to someone about this.”
“By the looks of it, Matt, you’ve already decided what you’re doing.” Danny spat. “What do you want me to say? That I think you’ve made the right decision? Because I don’t. You’re giving up, and I can’t watch you do that. So if you’ll excuse me, I have to go.” He said, grabbing his coat and walking out the door.
Matt threw his head back against his pillows. Never in his life had he been so frightened and felt so alone.
XxXxX
Harriet made her way down the hospital corridor, carrying a heavy bag full of clean clothes for Matt.
“Hey, sweetie.” She said, walking into his room and dumping the heavy bag at the end of his bed. “How are you feeling today?” She asked, suddenly feeling extremely anxious. She could sense something was wrong by the straight-faced expression on Matt’s face.
Matt patted the space next to him on the bed. “Come here, babe. I have something important to tell you.”
The End.
Don’t worry. I’m writing an epilogue, but ONLY if you review ;)