At least read it all...
All right so this may start some shit hitting the fan, but i'm tired of caring about everyone elses feelings. Especially since not many people have been keeping my feelings in mind.
The other day Mits popped online in MSN and asked me if I wanted to buy a gift card off of her, so I said sure cause I can use it better than she could anyway. That was all fine and dandy but then she asked me to answer a question, and to answer it honestly, since i've never told her a major lie about anything this was pretty easy. I was kinda surprised though when the question was, "Do you want to be my friend?" To which I answered her honestly, "I dont know."
I was surprised though because thats what I thought I was doing, if she talked to me on msn I talked back to her, and if we were on the phone I talked to her, and anytime we were together in public I talked to her and was civil with her. Now she was saying something about her feeling that she was the only one holding the friendship up, and thats what I don't understand. What more does she want from me? Does she want or expect me to phone her all the time and tell her whats going on in my life, tell her how I feel about this that and the other thing? Or maybe she wants me to sit there and listen to her go on and on about her bf and how happy and in love they are? If this is the case thats just something that I can not do at this time in my life. I dont need to be reminded that everyone else is happy and in love (I know there are a few exceptions out there) while i'm not. I'm fine with the way things are between Mits and I right now, but I guess she isn't. Some of my friends have the view, and I quite agree with them that she feels bad for what she did to me, and is now trying to make up for it by acting like my friend. Wether this is true or not doesn't matter overly much, all that really matters is the seeming lack of understanding Mits seems to have over this entire situation. She seems to think that everyone is a robot and can turn their feelings of just like she can. I mean she had no tears when the breakup actually happened and when I was showing emotion over it she simply told me to grow up and get over it. UNfortunetly not everyone can handle huge things such as ending a 5 year relationship quite so easily as she did. Personally I still haven't figured out how someone can just stop loving you, cause even after all she has done to me I still love her. It may not be the kind of love I once felt for her, but it is there all the same. And if she still has any love for me of any kind she is showing it in the strangest ways.
Back to the whole friendship thing, she makes me feel like its something that i am doing wrong. Even though I know that there is nothing that i am doing wrong, and that pisses me off to no ends. Simply because thats how she made me feel 24/7 while we were in a relationship together, and we are so far past that, that she shouldn't be allowed to make me feel that way anymore. It's Petes turn to feel that shit, not mine. I payed my dues and then some for Mits. So if she wants something more from me in this friendship than I can give at this point in time she is sorely mistaken that she will get it. I'm just not ready for anything more than what i'm giving her at this point in time. If she isn't happy with that then its her problem not mine, i'm doing all I can in this situation.
I mean lets face it, I have gone through so much shit last year that I should have earned some sort of respect from her. I mean she shattered my life and my heart, and to be honest I am still picking up the pieces. She just doesn't seem to understand that though, cause if she did she would be a lot more understanding with this whole situation. However the only way she will ever understand what i've gone through and what I am stil going through would be for someone she is in love with to suddenly tell her that they aren't in love with her anymore and that they should break up. Then while she's still heartbroken and shattered have that person start dating someone else right away without giving her a chance to simply absorb the fact that they really aren't together anymore. Oh and all through this she has to be called childish for having emotions and for acting all hurt and sad. Then while the person that shattered her life is saying that they should still be friends, and when Mits needs that friendship the most, she has to be told that they should stop being in contact for awhile. That she should go to her other friends for the closure that only the heartbreaker can offer closure to. Then Mits has to get so fed up cause the other person is always the one to start up contact again only to dangle it in front of her. That she has a huge blowout with the person resulting in them not talking for months. THen the person has to contact her out of the blue saying that they miss her friendship and wanting to get back together to do stuff. ONly to have the other person dangle the fact that they are in love with someone else in front of her all the time and make her feel horrible all over again if in a different way. But through all this she has to have moved from everything she's known for the past years, to a new place all alone with nothing to console her. PLus she has to do so horribly in school that she fails and gets on academic probation. Well since the odds of all this happening to her is virtually impossible she will never know anywhere near the way I felt all of last year. She used the whole thing with Pete having gone away to Germany foe awhile to compare to that, saying that she sort of had an understanding of what I went through. However there was one slight huge difference that made that point moot, the fact that they were still in love still a couple and were just seperated. Where as for me it was over and done.
This past year has changed me in so many ways that I don't really think that I am the same person that I was at the beginning of 2005, the William Cottreau that existed then is no more. Now stands before you all a new and I hope better version. My views on so many things have changed this year. The biggest of which is probably my overall beleifs...I went from being an athiest to being an agnostic to being someone who believes that there is something greater than us. In other words i have come to the realization that I do believe that God does exist, although I don't think that any of the religions have gotten it right(sorry Jen) my view is kind of druidic and taoist in nature. I beleive that there is a balance, and that there probably isn't just one God and its a he or a she for that matter. From my view there is probably a male God and a female Goddess. As for the whole balance thing, this could mean that one of them is good while the other is evil, or possibly that there is another God and Goddess that are evil. Or for all I know it could be that neither is the case and none are evil and that evilness is only something humankind has and it was created by freewill. I also beleive in(and always have for that matter) in reincarnation, and that everyone has a soul. But in my view heaven is just a resting place where one can choose to stay for awhile instead of coming back to earth to live the mortal coil again, maybe it's just a meeting place where friends can visit again for awhile before they go back down. Our soul is us eternally and I think that sometimes we remember our past lives at a very subconsious level and therefore we find long lost friends that we knew in past lives. On the same token I dont really belive that there is a hell though, I think that if you've lived a bad life you just dont get to stop over in heaven and you just get sent back to mortality again until you get it right. However this is all way off topic, but kind of gives you an idea of how my mind has been occupied for the last year.
The more I think about this whole situation the more I realize that I am so totally over Mits that it's quite a releif. I'm tired of feeling like shit, and I refuse to ever let anyone make me feel like that again. As I cant really think of anything else to add to this at the moment I will end this here. All I want to know is what is expected of me so that I know if i'll be able to meet those expectations or wether they are even worth meeting.
The other day Mits popped online in MSN and asked me if I wanted to buy a gift card off of her, so I said sure cause I can use it better than she could anyway. That was all fine and dandy but then she asked me to answer a question, and to answer it honestly, since i've never told her a major lie about anything this was pretty easy. I was kinda surprised though when the question was, "Do you want to be my friend?" To which I answered her honestly, "I dont know."
I was surprised though because thats what I thought I was doing, if she talked to me on msn I talked back to her, and if we were on the phone I talked to her, and anytime we were together in public I talked to her and was civil with her. Now she was saying something about her feeling that she was the only one holding the friendship up, and thats what I don't understand. What more does she want from me? Does she want or expect me to phone her all the time and tell her whats going on in my life, tell her how I feel about this that and the other thing? Or maybe she wants me to sit there and listen to her go on and on about her bf and how happy and in love they are? If this is the case thats just something that I can not do at this time in my life. I dont need to be reminded that everyone else is happy and in love (I know there are a few exceptions out there) while i'm not. I'm fine with the way things are between Mits and I right now, but I guess she isn't. Some of my friends have the view, and I quite agree with them that she feels bad for what she did to me, and is now trying to make up for it by acting like my friend. Wether this is true or not doesn't matter overly much, all that really matters is the seeming lack of understanding Mits seems to have over this entire situation. She seems to think that everyone is a robot and can turn their feelings of just like she can. I mean she had no tears when the breakup actually happened and when I was showing emotion over it she simply told me to grow up and get over it. UNfortunetly not everyone can handle huge things such as ending a 5 year relationship quite so easily as she did. Personally I still haven't figured out how someone can just stop loving you, cause even after all she has done to me I still love her. It may not be the kind of love I once felt for her, but it is there all the same. And if she still has any love for me of any kind she is showing it in the strangest ways.
Back to the whole friendship thing, she makes me feel like its something that i am doing wrong. Even though I know that there is nothing that i am doing wrong, and that pisses me off to no ends. Simply because thats how she made me feel 24/7 while we were in a relationship together, and we are so far past that, that she shouldn't be allowed to make me feel that way anymore. It's Petes turn to feel that shit, not mine. I payed my dues and then some for Mits. So if she wants something more from me in this friendship than I can give at this point in time she is sorely mistaken that she will get it. I'm just not ready for anything more than what i'm giving her at this point in time. If she isn't happy with that then its her problem not mine, i'm doing all I can in this situation.
I mean lets face it, I have gone through so much shit last year that I should have earned some sort of respect from her. I mean she shattered my life and my heart, and to be honest I am still picking up the pieces. She just doesn't seem to understand that though, cause if she did she would be a lot more understanding with this whole situation. However the only way she will ever understand what i've gone through and what I am stil going through would be for someone she is in love with to suddenly tell her that they aren't in love with her anymore and that they should break up. Then while she's still heartbroken and shattered have that person start dating someone else right away without giving her a chance to simply absorb the fact that they really aren't together anymore. Oh and all through this she has to be called childish for having emotions and for acting all hurt and sad. Then while the person that shattered her life is saying that they should still be friends, and when Mits needs that friendship the most, she has to be told that they should stop being in contact for awhile. That she should go to her other friends for the closure that only the heartbreaker can offer closure to. Then Mits has to get so fed up cause the other person is always the one to start up contact again only to dangle it in front of her. That she has a huge blowout with the person resulting in them not talking for months. THen the person has to contact her out of the blue saying that they miss her friendship and wanting to get back together to do stuff. ONly to have the other person dangle the fact that they are in love with someone else in front of her all the time and make her feel horrible all over again if in a different way. But through all this she has to have moved from everything she's known for the past years, to a new place all alone with nothing to console her. PLus she has to do so horribly in school that she fails and gets on academic probation. Well since the odds of all this happening to her is virtually impossible she will never know anywhere near the way I felt all of last year. She used the whole thing with Pete having gone away to Germany foe awhile to compare to that, saying that she sort of had an understanding of what I went through. However there was one slight huge difference that made that point moot, the fact that they were still in love still a couple and were just seperated. Where as for me it was over and done.
This past year has changed me in so many ways that I don't really think that I am the same person that I was at the beginning of 2005, the William Cottreau that existed then is no more. Now stands before you all a new and I hope better version. My views on so many things have changed this year. The biggest of which is probably my overall beleifs...I went from being an athiest to being an agnostic to being someone who believes that there is something greater than us. In other words i have come to the realization that I do believe that God does exist, although I don't think that any of the religions have gotten it right(sorry Jen) my view is kind of druidic and taoist in nature. I beleive that there is a balance, and that there probably isn't just one God and its a he or a she for that matter. From my view there is probably a male God and a female Goddess. As for the whole balance thing, this could mean that one of them is good while the other is evil, or possibly that there is another God and Goddess that are evil. Or for all I know it could be that neither is the case and none are evil and that evilness is only something humankind has and it was created by freewill. I also beleive in(and always have for that matter) in reincarnation, and that everyone has a soul. But in my view heaven is just a resting place where one can choose to stay for awhile instead of coming back to earth to live the mortal coil again, maybe it's just a meeting place where friends can visit again for awhile before they go back down. Our soul is us eternally and I think that sometimes we remember our past lives at a very subconsious level and therefore we find long lost friends that we knew in past lives. On the same token I dont really belive that there is a hell though, I think that if you've lived a bad life you just dont get to stop over in heaven and you just get sent back to mortality again until you get it right. However this is all way off topic, but kind of gives you an idea of how my mind has been occupied for the last year.
The more I think about this whole situation the more I realize that I am so totally over Mits that it's quite a releif. I'm tired of feeling like shit, and I refuse to ever let anyone make me feel like that again. As I cant really think of anything else to add to this at the moment I will end this here. All I want to know is what is expected of me so that I know if i'll be able to meet those expectations or wether they are even worth meeting.