Really, I suggest you don't waste your time---this is very boring!!!
Okay... I'm going to try to be completely honest with myself and examine what's bothering me right now.
I am with Dudu. He loves me and I know that he'll never leave me. The question is whether or not I am happy with him. He is my best friend. He is an awesome business partner. He's a great cook, fun, adventurous, willing to follow me on new journeys, listens to my advice (usually). The downsides: he's controlling, he's easily angered, he has no tolerance for mistakes, he is very anxious, and I *think* that he doesn't like me having too much independence.
I did the online course thing--hated it...but he liked that---studying at home---always around. Have applied to go to day school---unable to because of business ventures. He seems not to like me having any private time with friends---in fact, at this point I really don't have any friends. He buts into my relationships with anyone---to kind of keep tabs on it.
He is manipulative... I know that he says things just because he thinks I want to hear them.
I have not been sexually attracted to him for the last few weeks.
He's beginning to feel like I don't love him.
I want to go to school. I like being my own boss. I need Dudu to help me run the business if I'm going to attend school...but lately, it's our imports that have really been picking up--and that seems to be where we want to focus our attention right now----which rules out traditional college classes because there's just too much travel--and for such extended periods. He can handle our shoe franchise in Israel--we've hired a professional buyer to help with the styles--so I won't need to go on those trips....but in the U.S. I carry most of the responsibility---I don't know how he'll be able to do it without me.
What have I got myself into?
I need to go to school.... I'm not the side with the business genius---although I have learned a lot lately and can keep up my part--that's primarily Dudu's area of expertise. I want to study... for self enrichment, for a sense of accomplishment, for knowledge, and yeah.... to have something to fall back on if things go bust between Dudu and I or just the business in general.
I just don't see it getting any easier... I love all this travel... I love being in this business of importing. I am not willing to go to school part-time. I am not willing to take any more online courses.
If only I could have it all.....?
You want to know the funniest part?.... (we're selling the local businesses so those no longer count as part of my work) I'm home waiting for inventory to run low for sometimes months at a time..... we've always started other projects during this down time, but with all that free time...you'd think there'd be a solution to this rather simple problem. I haven't found it.
I've suggested that we relocate to an area around Houston (maybe bet. Houston and Austin) and now it has become Dudu's fixation. We're planning to move as soon as this next order is finished (about 2 mo's). Neither of us like the cold. But I'm not sure if Houston is really where I want to be.... maybe Atlanta???? I just dunno.
...Our beginnings are VERY modest. Dudu and I started our first business together as tractor-trailer drivers for a moving company.... yeah, that's right---I drove one of those big rigs all over the US and unloaded furniture like any of the other guys (they were always guys--the movers---and they always stared at me as I moved the boxes, etc.---so I told Dudu that I didn't want help ever---we'd do everything solo---fuckers!! I hated them staring at me like I was some kind of side-show).
My point that I somehow lost sight of in all that rambling--is that I've seen the whole continental United States---every state... nearly every city (that's worth visiting).
I remember Texas for its delicious peaches and nice weather.
I also liked San Diego---for the weather---but prefer not to live so close to LA.
New York is f-ing amazing----but I shy from the cold.... etc.
If I weren't with Dudu, I'd go to NYC. I'd suffer the cold to be in the Big Apple and enjoy the splendor--the shows, the fashion, the hustle and bustle, the culture.
I'm rambling soooo much....
I'm bored..... I want to go to the gym---but I've been put on assignment to monitor the phones until our buyer calls (which probably won't be until tomorrow)------so it'll have to wait until the evening.
Last night Dudu started giving me a hard time about my eating again.... saying, "Are you trying to lose weight? What did you eat today? How do you expect to survive? You're running and exercising. I'm not letting you run tomorrow. You'll see."
....so maybe that's what he's got in his head----that he'll just postpone my trip to the gym until I've lost the motivation---ha!! I'll prove him... But honestly, I can see it now---I go to the gym for the hour and then I come home to do another hour (more like 45 min) of my exercises--and he'll be watching me the whole time---bugging me, "You're not finished yet?"
It'd be nice to have a bigger apt. We're planning to buy a house once we relocate--to who-know-where...probably Houston area (property value is insanely low there---so that's one plus). I dream of having the basement---or some section to myself--a nice gym---with huge windows, sliding glass doors---a nice view of a huge lawn.... and privacy....ahhhh.
I used to run outside... all the time... I love to run outdoors... but I've got this problem in my foot---supposed to have surgery---anyway, I find the low impact of the treadmill rather than pounding on pavement helps to keep the pain down. When I go to Israel I run outside--through the fields (on dirt)----that's the greatest!!!
I really hope that no one has suffered through the entirety of today's psycho-babble. I'm a rambling queen. So, if not with Live Journal... how else can I kill the time....
I really don't like living in Raleigh anymore. I used to go for walks. I just don't like being around the people here---I don't think myself a snob... maybe I am... no, just anti-social---due to insecurities... really, I'm fucking weird... I mean someone talks to me when I'm buying groceries, or I feel someone looking at me in public and I start walking funny or twisting my face... I've found the best way is to just completely avoid eye contact with anyone while you're in the store-----except for employees when you need some assistance. The strange thing is that the less you look at others, the more intrigued they are by you----when I avoid meeting eyes with anyone I feel every one of their eyes on me.... but it doesn't bother me as long as I don't make out their facial features or meet their eyes.
Call me crazy... I know that's true... call me long-winded---I've certainly proved that here. Just don't call me late for dinner!---what a stupid line.... who even says that.... I think Robert DeNiro's character in "This Boy's Life" (one of Leo DiCaprio's first convincing roles) said that.
Btw, that's a really great movie-----I definitely recommend it. ....and it's autobiographical (the screenplay came from a book).
I am with Dudu. He loves me and I know that he'll never leave me. The question is whether or not I am happy with him. He is my best friend. He is an awesome business partner. He's a great cook, fun, adventurous, willing to follow me on new journeys, listens to my advice (usually). The downsides: he's controlling, he's easily angered, he has no tolerance for mistakes, he is very anxious, and I *think* that he doesn't like me having too much independence.
I did the online course thing--hated it...but he liked that---studying at home---always around. Have applied to go to day school---unable to because of business ventures. He seems not to like me having any private time with friends---in fact, at this point I really don't have any friends. He buts into my relationships with anyone---to kind of keep tabs on it.
He is manipulative... I know that he says things just because he thinks I want to hear them.
I have not been sexually attracted to him for the last few weeks.
He's beginning to feel like I don't love him.
I want to go to school. I like being my own boss. I need Dudu to help me run the business if I'm going to attend school...but lately, it's our imports that have really been picking up--and that seems to be where we want to focus our attention right now----which rules out traditional college classes because there's just too much travel--and for such extended periods. He can handle our shoe franchise in Israel--we've hired a professional buyer to help with the styles--so I won't need to go on those trips....but in the U.S. I carry most of the responsibility---I don't know how he'll be able to do it without me.
What have I got myself into?
I need to go to school.... I'm not the side with the business genius---although I have learned a lot lately and can keep up my part--that's primarily Dudu's area of expertise. I want to study... for self enrichment, for a sense of accomplishment, for knowledge, and yeah.... to have something to fall back on if things go bust between Dudu and I or just the business in general.
I just don't see it getting any easier... I love all this travel... I love being in this business of importing. I am not willing to go to school part-time. I am not willing to take any more online courses.
If only I could have it all.....?
You want to know the funniest part?.... (we're selling the local businesses so those no longer count as part of my work) I'm home waiting for inventory to run low for sometimes months at a time..... we've always started other projects during this down time, but with all that free time...you'd think there'd be a solution to this rather simple problem. I haven't found it.
I've suggested that we relocate to an area around Houston (maybe bet. Houston and Austin) and now it has become Dudu's fixation. We're planning to move as soon as this next order is finished (about 2 mo's). Neither of us like the cold. But I'm not sure if Houston is really where I want to be.... maybe Atlanta???? I just dunno.
...Our beginnings are VERY modest. Dudu and I started our first business together as tractor-trailer drivers for a moving company.... yeah, that's right---I drove one of those big rigs all over the US and unloaded furniture like any of the other guys (they were always guys--the movers---and they always stared at me as I moved the boxes, etc.---so I told Dudu that I didn't want help ever---we'd do everything solo---fuckers!! I hated them staring at me like I was some kind of side-show).
My point that I somehow lost sight of in all that rambling--is that I've seen the whole continental United States---every state... nearly every city (that's worth visiting).
I remember Texas for its delicious peaches and nice weather.
I also liked San Diego---for the weather---but prefer not to live so close to LA.
New York is f-ing amazing----but I shy from the cold.... etc.
If I weren't with Dudu, I'd go to NYC. I'd suffer the cold to be in the Big Apple and enjoy the splendor--the shows, the fashion, the hustle and bustle, the culture.
I'm rambling soooo much....
I'm bored..... I want to go to the gym---but I've been put on assignment to monitor the phones until our buyer calls (which probably won't be until tomorrow)------so it'll have to wait until the evening.
Last night Dudu started giving me a hard time about my eating again.... saying, "Are you trying to lose weight? What did you eat today? How do you expect to survive? You're running and exercising. I'm not letting you run tomorrow. You'll see."
....so maybe that's what he's got in his head----that he'll just postpone my trip to the gym until I've lost the motivation---ha!! I'll prove him... But honestly, I can see it now---I go to the gym for the hour and then I come home to do another hour (more like 45 min) of my exercises--and he'll be watching me the whole time---bugging me, "You're not finished yet?"
It'd be nice to have a bigger apt. We're planning to buy a house once we relocate--to who-know-where...probably Houston area (property value is insanely low there---so that's one plus). I dream of having the basement---or some section to myself--a nice gym---with huge windows, sliding glass doors---a nice view of a huge lawn.... and privacy....ahhhh.
I used to run outside... all the time... I love to run outdoors... but I've got this problem in my foot---supposed to have surgery---anyway, I find the low impact of the treadmill rather than pounding on pavement helps to keep the pain down. When I go to Israel I run outside--through the fields (on dirt)----that's the greatest!!!
I really hope that no one has suffered through the entirety of today's psycho-babble. I'm a rambling queen. So, if not with Live Journal... how else can I kill the time....
I really don't like living in Raleigh anymore. I used to go for walks. I just don't like being around the people here---I don't think myself a snob... maybe I am... no, just anti-social---due to insecurities... really, I'm fucking weird... I mean someone talks to me when I'm buying groceries, or I feel someone looking at me in public and I start walking funny or twisting my face... I've found the best way is to just completely avoid eye contact with anyone while you're in the store-----except for employees when you need some assistance. The strange thing is that the less you look at others, the more intrigued they are by you----when I avoid meeting eyes with anyone I feel every one of their eyes on me.... but it doesn't bother me as long as I don't make out their facial features or meet their eyes.
Call me crazy... I know that's true... call me long-winded---I've certainly proved that here. Just don't call me late for dinner!---what a stupid line.... who even says that.... I think Robert DeNiro's character in "This Boy's Life" (one of Leo DiCaprio's first convincing roles) said that.
Btw, that's a really great movie-----I definitely recommend it. ....and it's autobiographical (the screenplay came from a book).