After reading Laura's journal I realized I should post....
I wish I was in a coupleing... I could be actually-- but with those people that want it, I don't want it with. And those that I would want it with, I'm unsure if they would.
Why must a feel so alone? What the fuck is this, life? huh? yeah whatever bitch...
Anyhoo....
So Prom has come a gone-- That was the best prom. probably not as good of an after party as the time I went with Chris and we went to Alexa's afterwards... watched Guffman, played playstation2, swam in freezing water.... oh my god, that was a good night.
This night ended in a duct tape swimsuit (pictures later), a game of Cranium, and sleeping in Pete's hallway with Susanne while she and Ryan held hands through the doorway to a room us girls weren't allowed into. Observe:
Eric M.: Careful Lesley, take one step more and I'll be forced to have sex with you.
(Lesley causualy steps into the room)
Eric M.: Oh no, I can't help it... oh my god- that's it, we have to have sex now... no!
And then I raped him.
Not really.
But yeah... it was worth it.
I fell asleep to the deep tone of Zac's voice and woke up the next morning to the same thing. Apparently Ian Zac and Lisa stayed up all night. Then Zac and I jumped into the pool fully clothed. It really woke me up. Eric woke up at some point around 10 I think-- but then soon went back to bed and was still asleep when I left around two-ish. Oh, I love him dearly. He can cook and is hilarious. I just found out this morning when I was looking through my Much Ado pictures that he was in that show... looked a lot different then of course.
Scott and Christine were around... somewhere. I really like that group. I want us all to go out to dinner again or something like that. It was soo much fun. The prom part was fun as well, but it was just great to be with a group of people that accepted me and that I like who I am when I'm around them.
It's like when we went to the beach this weekend. I drove Zac and I there and met up with Scott, Ian and JoPo. I felt weird at first being the only girl, because one thing I've noticed about this group is that it's all about this small group of friends, and then their girlfriends/other people. And since this time I seemed to be the only one who fitted into that catagory-- it was a little weird. But-- I donno- I need to stop thinking that I'm an outsider "visiting" all the time and that these people are my friends and I'm apart of this group. I played with the frisbee with them and was bruised when Scott threw it into my arm, later to be thrown into the sand by him, my knee recieved a scratch from when Ian and I drived for the frisbee at the same time, and I have multiple bruises from several moments where I was dropped and pushed into the ocean and carelessly hit the sand.
Note to self: Never accept hugs or protection from Zac or Scott near large bodies of water.
Afterwards was Marco Polo (once again pulled into the pool by Scott) and then Zac Ian and Scott and I went to Christine's for cake, pizza and jumpy house fun. We ended up almost tipping the thing over. Worried parents screamed and little girls threw ice at us. Delightful fun. At one point I was smashed between the inflated wall, Zac and being crushed by Ian who was on top of us. I've discovered that running really hard and throwing oneself against an inflatable wall, then bounceing stright off and landing on the inflatable ground brings much joy.
And so tonight was banquet. A slideshow I spent hours constructing was shown, but not at it's best quality (note to self: save as .mpg next time you silly cow) and the projector was on too high so everything was all white. boo hoo. Eh, whatever. It's all over. I'm done with TP theatre-- thank fucking god.
Sure, there are things I loved about the 4 years I spent there (god, what a waste of time) but generally I've have a tone of disgust. I've accomplished next to nothing. I made relationships with very few that really touch my heart. And looking back now- I would've probably never should've enrolled in an acting class at torrey pines for the little it's done for me.
I think I spent too much time trying to prove that I was worth something, when to any other area on campus I never had to do that. I was trying to prove I was worth something to tpplayers till the very end, and remained unsucessful. Because there, I am stil no one. And to feel that way about something- shows me how little value it has compared to everything else in my life.
I love theatre. I love acting. I loathe that feeling. And I'm so in love with leaving.
Except leaving school. That saddens me. Here comes our last weekend.... here comes our last real week. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself.
For so long, I pictured myself either going to USC or going far far away with nobody I know, living in a dorm and never being able to come back. I became comfortable with that idea. So the idea of living within an hour of here, in an apartment with a girl a only know because one of my friend's was in love with her, is just absurd to me.
An apartment? What! That's soo strange!!
Fullerton?! Public college!?!
I know nothing about the school-
I've never sat looking at a picture dreamig about what it would be like to go there someday.
I've never flipped through the course catalogue.
I don't own one piece of "CSUF" clothing.
I'm going to a school that at one point I had no desire to go to. And now I don't know what to expect at all.
I don't know where destiny is taking me. .
I am seriously going into a completly unknown territory. Was that the point? Is that the reason for this maddening decision that was made by fate?
And when will I finally get to USC? When will I finally leave california? What is to become of my cozy apartment and Rachel once those decisions are made?
I know this post was maddening long, and someone nonsenseical, so if you've made it this far and read everyword- you are a very interesting person.... and probably half crazy... or bored.
I love you.
Will you still be my friend when the summer comes?
Can I have a hug and possibly a kiss on the check?
Why must a feel so alone? What the fuck is this, life? huh? yeah whatever bitch...
Anyhoo....
So Prom has come a gone-- That was the best prom. probably not as good of an after party as the time I went with Chris and we went to Alexa's afterwards... watched Guffman, played playstation2, swam in freezing water.... oh my god, that was a good night.
This night ended in a duct tape swimsuit (pictures later), a game of Cranium, and sleeping in Pete's hallway with Susanne while she and Ryan held hands through the doorway to a room us girls weren't allowed into. Observe:
Eric M.: Careful Lesley, take one step more and I'll be forced to have sex with you.
(Lesley causualy steps into the room)
Eric M.: Oh no, I can't help it... oh my god- that's it, we have to have sex now... no!
And then I raped him.
Not really.
But yeah... it was worth it.
I fell asleep to the deep tone of Zac's voice and woke up the next morning to the same thing. Apparently Ian Zac and Lisa stayed up all night. Then Zac and I jumped into the pool fully clothed. It really woke me up. Eric woke up at some point around 10 I think-- but then soon went back to bed and was still asleep when I left around two-ish. Oh, I love him dearly. He can cook and is hilarious. I just found out this morning when I was looking through my Much Ado pictures that he was in that show... looked a lot different then of course.
Scott and Christine were around... somewhere. I really like that group. I want us all to go out to dinner again or something like that. It was soo much fun. The prom part was fun as well, but it was just great to be with a group of people that accepted me and that I like who I am when I'm around them.
It's like when we went to the beach this weekend. I drove Zac and I there and met up with Scott, Ian and JoPo. I felt weird at first being the only girl, because one thing I've noticed about this group is that it's all about this small group of friends, and then their girlfriends/other people. And since this time I seemed to be the only one who fitted into that catagory-- it was a little weird. But-- I donno- I need to stop thinking that I'm an outsider "visiting" all the time and that these people are my friends and I'm apart of this group. I played with the frisbee with them and was bruised when Scott threw it into my arm, later to be thrown into the sand by him, my knee recieved a scratch from when Ian and I drived for the frisbee at the same time, and I have multiple bruises from several moments where I was dropped and pushed into the ocean and carelessly hit the sand.
Note to self: Never accept hugs or protection from Zac or Scott near large bodies of water.
Afterwards was Marco Polo (once again pulled into the pool by Scott) and then Zac Ian and Scott and I went to Christine's for cake, pizza and jumpy house fun. We ended up almost tipping the thing over. Worried parents screamed and little girls threw ice at us. Delightful fun. At one point I was smashed between the inflated wall, Zac and being crushed by Ian who was on top of us. I've discovered that running really hard and throwing oneself against an inflatable wall, then bounceing stright off and landing on the inflatable ground brings much joy.
And so tonight was banquet. A slideshow I spent hours constructing was shown, but not at it's best quality (note to self: save as .mpg next time you silly cow) and the projector was on too high so everything was all white. boo hoo. Eh, whatever. It's all over. I'm done with TP theatre-- thank fucking god.
Sure, there are things I loved about the 4 years I spent there (god, what a waste of time) but generally I've have a tone of disgust. I've accomplished next to nothing. I made relationships with very few that really touch my heart. And looking back now- I would've probably never should've enrolled in an acting class at torrey pines for the little it's done for me.
I think I spent too much time trying to prove that I was worth something, when to any other area on campus I never had to do that. I was trying to prove I was worth something to tpplayers till the very end, and remained unsucessful. Because there, I am stil no one. And to feel that way about something- shows me how little value it has compared to everything else in my life.
I love theatre. I love acting. I loathe that feeling. And I'm so in love with leaving.
Except leaving school. That saddens me. Here comes our last weekend.... here comes our last real week. I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself.
For so long, I pictured myself either going to USC or going far far away with nobody I know, living in a dorm and never being able to come back. I became comfortable with that idea. So the idea of living within an hour of here, in an apartment with a girl a only know because one of my friend's was in love with her, is just absurd to me.
An apartment? What! That's soo strange!!
Fullerton?! Public college!?!
I know nothing about the school-
I've never sat looking at a picture dreamig about what it would be like to go there someday.
I've never flipped through the course catalogue.
I don't own one piece of "CSUF" clothing.
I'm going to a school that at one point I had no desire to go to. And now I don't know what to expect at all.
I don't know where destiny is taking me. .
I am seriously going into a completly unknown territory. Was that the point? Is that the reason for this maddening decision that was made by fate?
And when will I finally get to USC? When will I finally leave california? What is to become of my cozy apartment and Rachel once those decisions are made?
I know this post was maddening long, and someone nonsenseical, so if you've made it this far and read everyword- you are a very interesting person.... and probably half crazy... or bored.
I love you.
Will you still be my friend when the summer comes?
Can I have a hug and possibly a kiss on the check?