Hunter's Moon betrayals and rants

[stuckinnowhere]

ok, so this is all from saturday, the day of Octobers full moon, called the hunter's moon. so Saturday was my day off, and i really wanted to get my english homework done so i could get it turned in since i've hardly been able to do anything for that class. because, see, my downstairs neighbor usually provides us with wireless internet access. which we pay for.... despite the fact that she herself has never bothered to give me an actual number for how much i need to pay her a month. someone explain how anyone is supposed to pay for something if they don't know how much it fucking is? so anyway, they let the internet lapse during the second week of school. i've already had to drop my creative writing class because i couldn't get online often enough to keep up with it and my online english class (which i'm nearly failing from lack of internet). so then they get it back after four weeks, and mind you, i paid for it when they first got it, and i gave her twenty bucks in-between times for internet (to help get it back up). so i've got it long enough to get my homework assignments, and then i need to turn them in by friday night, and thursday they put on a network key. and instead of just giving me the fucking network key, she insists that her son put it on the computer. but of course, he can't at the moment because he's online playing his game!!!!!!!! so i say, ok, i'll come back later. so i come back the next day, and he's still playing his fucking game. by now i'm a little freaked because my homework is due, i have no internet, and obviously, the stuff is on my computer. so i go back home, do some clean-up, and come back in half an hour. he finally gives me the network key and i run upstairs to turn in my homework. while i'm working on the next week's work, trying to get ahead, my friends steph and laura show up. and steph starts going off about how everyone is really not liking me right now, and how my neighbor's downstairs are pissed off at me 'cuz they think all i want is internet (in some cases, duh.) and how steph and laura feel like i'm using them (WTF!) and how they're all worried about me, and how i've not payed for the internet (Bullshit) and how they think i should go back on my anti-depressants, and they still love me and don't want to lose me, but they really don't like me right now. then they expect me to get all pissed. don't get me wrong, i was really pissed, but i've known them for nearly a year now and if they haven't figured out how i hide things then they really are stupid. like i'm actually going to let them know i'm angry. yeah, right. so i'm all "no, you're right, i have been selfish, and i'll try to change, etc. etc. etc." and now of course i really want them to leave so i can go cry because, i'm sorry, how the fuck would you feel if your friends came up to you and said, basically, "we think that you're irresponsible and we liked you better while you were drugged"? but instead, laura tells us about how ben dumped steph, and so the night becomes all about steph, and i'm fucking codependent, so i'm bringing her snacky stuff, and wrapping her in my cloak, and taking care of her, and offering to get her shitfaced if that's what she wants, and she's eating it up, and i'm getting angrier and angrier, and tehn she tells me she slept with him friday night, and at this point i have to get up and go into the kitchen until i can put my concerned and angry friend face back on. the boy is afraid of physical intimacy, she's been chasing him for eight months, and even though he's told her multiple times that he doesn't love her, she just kept pushing, and all the rest of us knew how it was going to end, and honestly, i feel sorrier for him then her, but i've known her longer and so the stupid fucking code of honor says i side with her when all i really want to do is smack her upside the head and tell her to get the fuck over it and quit trying to drag everyone else into her pain. because once she hit hysterical, she kept trying to make me and dan feel her pain, saying things like, "dan, it's like losing mike four times in a row" (Which by the way he did), and "rae, did it hurt this much when alex dumped you?" (Oh yea, and i didn't slug her, two points for me.) what i said was of course it did baby, but it gets better, when what i wanted to say was, duh, but did you see me crying all over everyone and making them miserable too? no, i went home and cried alone for a while, that got back up, washed my face, and went back to school, even though i had class with him that night. and the next day i was trekking around the hills with laura because she insisted it would make me feel better. i didn't mope and whine and cry. i didn't even do the whole, eat ice cream and watch sappy movies while crying shit. and i know steph isn't me, but god damn it, what kind of woman is she? it's not like this could possibly have been any kind of a surprise. he fucked dan, for god's sake! she knew, knew, he wasn't comfortable being with her physically, but she enjoyed the feeling of power it gave her when he couldn't resist what she did to him. so maybe it's cruel of me, hell, i'm sure it is, but i think she deserved it. i can only begin to imagine what he's going through, and he deserves it less than she does, because he played his cards straight. he told her from the beginning how it was. she refused to listen, and she got hurt.
this all makes me sound like a bitch, and maybe i am. hell, of course i am. but you know what? i really don't give a shit what they think. because yeah, i'm off my meds, but i'm happy, i like who i am right now, and i'm sorry if they can't accept the fact that i really don't need the meds, i'm sorry that they can't accept that this is ME, whether they like it or not. i'm so fucking tired of this shit. i'm going to go before i get pissed all over again. i love you guys. ~Rei