Chuck this
It is an internet fad that I have been laughing over for months...
The following are reasons why Chuck Norris is better than you:
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he
would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
-A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
-Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
-When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave
her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
-Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
-Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris
ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
-Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked her into a glacier.
-In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
-Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
-Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
-Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
-Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
-Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He
also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
-At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people
just to prove he isn't a racist.
-Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
-Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit
out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
-Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
The last time Chuck Norris forgot to pull out during sex, he blew out
the back of his girlfriend's head.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he
taketh away.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He
impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a
child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature
of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a
meteor, and still owes him a beer.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this
man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
The following are reasons why Chuck Norris is better than you:
-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he
would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.
-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
-A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
-Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
-The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three
died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
-When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave
her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
-Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
-Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris
ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
-Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse
kicked her into a glacier.
-In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
-Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
-Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so
he can "accidentally" beat the crap out of little kids.
-Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
-Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him
exact change.
-Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He
also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
-At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people
just to prove he isn't a racist.
-Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show
clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
-Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His
have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black
belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit
out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
-Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who
just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris
calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse
kicks them in the face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
The last time Chuck Norris forgot to pull out during sex, he blew out
the back of his girlfriend's head.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he
taketh away.
Chuck Norris knows where in the world Carmen Sandiego is. He
impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries, and she bore him a
child. We know him as Superman.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat
the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game
forfeited.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature
of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a
meteor, and still owes him a beer.
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this
man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.