A Yell
It's interesting that this is the place that I turn to when I'm feeling maudlin. It's been here since 2000, a sounding board from my sadder thoughts, a melancholy blot over the rest of my life. It's been almost two years without such a stain, and that even includes when I got laid off from my job (though that cloud was shot through with silver linings).
I turn now to livejournal as I have so many times in the pass, as a great and fierce bellow. A yawp to extinguish the anguish that I'm momentarily feeling, as if throwing it out into the winds will really do all that much since it's like crying tears into the ocean.
Chicks.
I've never been comfortable enough with myself to be good with women as women. As friends and other human beings I can function, but when it comes to anything more than that I freeze up and feel like I've been thrust into a vat of tar. My mind races far ahead of my body, a thousand calculations a minute running right into overdrive. I know that there's no magic moment between meeting someone and getting to know them, where if you apply just the right words that they'll start to think of you as a romantic prospect but I still get teh nagging feeling that I always move too slowly.
It's been too long since I've found a woman that's interested in me, in a relationship. So long that I don't know the signs or even look for them, just trudge forward in semi-blissful ignorance until one day there's someone else and I'm kicking myself because I should have spoken up a few months ago. There was a woman that, I loved in a platonic sense but pined for romantically for so many reasons.
I'd brought up my feelings and thoughts before, always in some awkward and roundabout way. Not cutting through all of the chicanery that comes with trying to protect yourself, dancing around it in minutely insulting ways. But we stayed friends, my would-be ardor momentarily subsumed in rejection.
A few months ago, some mutual friends suggested that it might be worth reopening the issue. As usual I let that thought fester, rather than nipping it in the proverbial bud so that it did not blossom into something unrequited. There were a lot of reasons why not, I won't go into them all (and to be honest it was probably a bad idea from the start), primarily the past evidence of a lack of interest. So the friendship continued, and I thought about nipping that bud about whether or not other people would be right.
There was something I missed though, something right in front of my face. Now I feel a little upset, and I certainly don't want to surround myself with that.
It's just so frustrating. I could get out more but I've never been good at meeting women and have no idea where to start. I do well with introductions,with clear channels and ways in (and someone to vouch for me). I feel like I don't do well in that first instant, or that I rarely do well in that moment when you just see someone and just get to know them. My sense of humor is odd and my appearance leaves a lot to be desired.
I don't know, it's been good getting this out as vague as it is. I now let this return to slumber.
I turn now to livejournal as I have so many times in the pass, as a great and fierce bellow. A yawp to extinguish the anguish that I'm momentarily feeling, as if throwing it out into the winds will really do all that much since it's like crying tears into the ocean.
Chicks.
I've never been comfortable enough with myself to be good with women as women. As friends and other human beings I can function, but when it comes to anything more than that I freeze up and feel like I've been thrust into a vat of tar. My mind races far ahead of my body, a thousand calculations a minute running right into overdrive. I know that there's no magic moment between meeting someone and getting to know them, where if you apply just the right words that they'll start to think of you as a romantic prospect but I still get teh nagging feeling that I always move too slowly.
It's been too long since I've found a woman that's interested in me, in a relationship. So long that I don't know the signs or even look for them, just trudge forward in semi-blissful ignorance until one day there's someone else and I'm kicking myself because I should have spoken up a few months ago. There was a woman that, I loved in a platonic sense but pined for romantically for so many reasons.
I'd brought up my feelings and thoughts before, always in some awkward and roundabout way. Not cutting through all of the chicanery that comes with trying to protect yourself, dancing around it in minutely insulting ways. But we stayed friends, my would-be ardor momentarily subsumed in rejection.
A few months ago, some mutual friends suggested that it might be worth reopening the issue. As usual I let that thought fester, rather than nipping it in the proverbial bud so that it did not blossom into something unrequited. There were a lot of reasons why not, I won't go into them all (and to be honest it was probably a bad idea from the start), primarily the past evidence of a lack of interest. So the friendship continued, and I thought about nipping that bud about whether or not other people would be right.
There was something I missed though, something right in front of my face. Now I feel a little upset, and I certainly don't want to surround myself with that.
It's just so frustrating. I could get out more but I've never been good at meeting women and have no idea where to start. I do well with introductions,with clear channels and ways in (and someone to vouch for me). I feel like I don't do well in that first instant, or that I rarely do well in that moment when you just see someone and just get to know them. My sense of humor is odd and my appearance leaves a lot to be desired.
I don't know, it's been good getting this out as vague as it is. I now let this return to slumber.