I always have..
In my head, where all my imagination runs wild, to the darkest corners we can think of.
Is where I find myself this gorgeous day. Its been awhile since I've sat down at this screen, sometimes I like to think of it as putting my head on straight, setting the clock, something like that..
I wanna talk about a few things concerning my absence. I'd like to believe that everyone I have listed as a friend noticed, its really a nice thought. The truth though, is that maybe a handfull really began to wonder what happened to me. People close to me know a few odd details, only really knowing the bullshit story I put on my face that day.
Decemeber was by far the hardest month, emotionally, realizing my mother was dead. Im not sure If I can pinpoint what exactly triggered this, or what made me say fuck that. But I think it was somewhere in the Christmas lights. They started showing up in late November, & seemed to be everywhere by Pearl Harbor. I remember sitting passenger, smoking herb & hearing the music fill my ears, driving and seeing lights in every fuckin yard. Automatically there was this remorse, this disgust in my mouth that wanted to be spit out. In each window we passed, a tree would shine. Somewhere in that thought, a memory that was locked away, would dust itself off & sit down right in the middle of my mind.
I started hearing things, & before you discard me as crazy, hear me out. I would hear the voices of my family, the snap of a camera with laughter behind it. Moms voice, hearing it like a whisper in my ear. I would take this all in, thinking "this is normal Chris, this is your first Christmas without your mother, just take a deep breath." When people talk of daydreams, you couldnt imagine how Ironic it was, Sometimes I really had to question if I was losing some sense of sanity.
Every morning I would wake up, do the normal get together routine, & start looking for a way to bury Christmas. I wasnt wearing a sign that said "fuck santa" or anything, but it was more in the complete silence that became me, the sick feeling in my stomach when I walked past a Salvation Army tin. "go fuck yourself" I would say in my mind, the sounds of that bell ringing so loud I could just take it & throw it to the moon..
There wasnt' but a handfull of people that actually knew what was going on with me. Every day I was grateful that I had atleast a few people that I could come to, I would never have to say a word, when i couldnt, they could always see through this dark veil of mine..
I found peace of mind in only a few things, a dear friend whom I believe Im connected forever now. Music, which has always been here for me, and a TV show called Smallville.. I know it sounds kinda funny, but I've had this obsession with Superman, much like my obsession for Star Wars, since I was a young child.
Between all of that, I would play middle man for everyone & they're illegal needs. I wont dab into too many details, but there were many nights were I felt the only way to bury Christmas, to close the book on so many emotions, was to drown it in beer, or to smoke it & let it blow away.. I would cloud my mind, my better judgement, for the easier & less painful route. It was too fuckin easy to just snort a line, turn the music up, and pretend like I was in a Galaxy far, far away...
I left the month of Decemeber with only my pride & the money in my pocket. I had broke it off with my girlfriend the night before New Years Eve, but spent New Years eve with her. I wish there were words I could put to her face, but sometimes it seems a little more than that. I really think that if I spent a few hours tryin to talk about what she meant to me, about how she put me in check without even knowing it, I still dont think I could do it justice..Only she'll know what this means, but I'll never roll a pair of dice the same way again..
I left Florida last week, it was almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For the past 8 years its where I called home, I had a friend in every neighborhood from top to bottom, & I think in a way, that was my downfall, no matter where I went, I couldnt get away from a quarter ounce of coke being thrown in my face. In turn, I couldnt turn down the offer. I became so spoiled on easy money, I didnt see the point in working 60 hours a week for $8 an hour, when I could make anywhere from $50-300 an hour in a 25 second transaction. I understood the price you pay more than alot of people, I know what its like to have your freedom taken away at the drop of a dime, but somewhere in this screwed head of mine, Im able to say fuck it & just risk it.
I didnt wake up until it was almost crashing down on me, until every fuckin thing inside me was telling me to just walk away, It was then when I heard Robert DeNiro whispering in me ear.."Do not let yourself get attached to anything your not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you see the heat around the corner."
I came to Texas, a town called Kingsville, about 20 minutes from Corprus Christi, where my feelings feel raw for the first time. Im in a place where no one knows me, where I feel like I can leave every pissed off emotion in the piss hole it's in.. Life is what it is ya know. Under every doormat, it seems like there's a new key, it opens the door for new choices, new decisions, a chance to really stand back a minute & try to be the person I know I can be. I only pray, that in my time of Solitude, my angels will guide me away from the demon I became..
I love you all..I always have
Is where I find myself this gorgeous day. Its been awhile since I've sat down at this screen, sometimes I like to think of it as putting my head on straight, setting the clock, something like that..
I wanna talk about a few things concerning my absence. I'd like to believe that everyone I have listed as a friend noticed, its really a nice thought. The truth though, is that maybe a handfull really began to wonder what happened to me. People close to me know a few odd details, only really knowing the bullshit story I put on my face that day.
Decemeber was by far the hardest month, emotionally, realizing my mother was dead. Im not sure If I can pinpoint what exactly triggered this, or what made me say fuck that. But I think it was somewhere in the Christmas lights. They started showing up in late November, & seemed to be everywhere by Pearl Harbor. I remember sitting passenger, smoking herb & hearing the music fill my ears, driving and seeing lights in every fuckin yard. Automatically there was this remorse, this disgust in my mouth that wanted to be spit out. In each window we passed, a tree would shine. Somewhere in that thought, a memory that was locked away, would dust itself off & sit down right in the middle of my mind.
I started hearing things, & before you discard me as crazy, hear me out. I would hear the voices of my family, the snap of a camera with laughter behind it. Moms voice, hearing it like a whisper in my ear. I would take this all in, thinking "this is normal Chris, this is your first Christmas without your mother, just take a deep breath." When people talk of daydreams, you couldnt imagine how Ironic it was, Sometimes I really had to question if I was losing some sense of sanity.
Every morning I would wake up, do the normal get together routine, & start looking for a way to bury Christmas. I wasnt wearing a sign that said "fuck santa" or anything, but it was more in the complete silence that became me, the sick feeling in my stomach when I walked past a Salvation Army tin. "go fuck yourself" I would say in my mind, the sounds of that bell ringing so loud I could just take it & throw it to the moon..
There wasnt' but a handfull of people that actually knew what was going on with me. Every day I was grateful that I had atleast a few people that I could come to, I would never have to say a word, when i couldnt, they could always see through this dark veil of mine..
I found peace of mind in only a few things, a dear friend whom I believe Im connected forever now. Music, which has always been here for me, and a TV show called Smallville.. I know it sounds kinda funny, but I've had this obsession with Superman, much like my obsession for Star Wars, since I was a young child.
Between all of that, I would play middle man for everyone & they're illegal needs. I wont dab into too many details, but there were many nights were I felt the only way to bury Christmas, to close the book on so many emotions, was to drown it in beer, or to smoke it & let it blow away.. I would cloud my mind, my better judgement, for the easier & less painful route. It was too fuckin easy to just snort a line, turn the music up, and pretend like I was in a Galaxy far, far away...
I left the month of Decemeber with only my pride & the money in my pocket. I had broke it off with my girlfriend the night before New Years Eve, but spent New Years eve with her. I wish there were words I could put to her face, but sometimes it seems a little more than that. I really think that if I spent a few hours tryin to talk about what she meant to me, about how she put me in check without even knowing it, I still dont think I could do it justice..Only she'll know what this means, but I'll never roll a pair of dice the same way again..
I left Florida last week, it was almost the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For the past 8 years its where I called home, I had a friend in every neighborhood from top to bottom, & I think in a way, that was my downfall, no matter where I went, I couldnt get away from a quarter ounce of coke being thrown in my face. In turn, I couldnt turn down the offer. I became so spoiled on easy money, I didnt see the point in working 60 hours a week for $8 an hour, when I could make anywhere from $50-300 an hour in a 25 second transaction. I understood the price you pay more than alot of people, I know what its like to have your freedom taken away at the drop of a dime, but somewhere in this screwed head of mine, Im able to say fuck it & just risk it.
I didnt wake up until it was almost crashing down on me, until every fuckin thing inside me was telling me to just walk away, It was then when I heard Robert DeNiro whispering in me ear.."Do not let yourself get attached to anything your not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you see the heat around the corner."
I came to Texas, a town called Kingsville, about 20 minutes from Corprus Christi, where my feelings feel raw for the first time. Im in a place where no one knows me, where I feel like I can leave every pissed off emotion in the piss hole it's in.. Life is what it is ya know. Under every doormat, it seems like there's a new key, it opens the door for new choices, new decisions, a chance to really stand back a minute & try to be the person I know I can be. I only pray, that in my time of Solitude, my angels will guide me away from the demon I became..
I love you all..I always have