this lovely hole I've dug myself
5 AM and I really really want to sleep, but if I sleep now I'll pass out at work tomorrow (midnight til 9am) Thus, I do this to keep alert.
I've realized lately that I have made a lot of mistakes this summer so far, the worst of which has been focusing on myself and my wants instead of what God's plans are for me. I came home looking forward to making an impact in the church here. Rather, I have distanced myself from the Lord, lost my drive to do anything other than work and sleep, and complained about everything from the heat to having to spend time with certain family members. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to have quiet times and reflection; time to be in the presence of God and rest in Him, but I can't seem to do it. I sit down to do it and am distracted by the littlest things. I have become so numb that I can't even tell when I'm being sincere. Once in a while I am awe struck by something (today it was the rain) and can't help but praise Him, but the rest of the time I am completely lost.
He is so amazing that He reaches out to me when I need Him. I realize now that there have been so many things lately that have been pointing me to Christ, and encouraging me to run to Him. Just seeing the moon makes me want to cry out for Him. But when it is up to me to just sit down and read the Word, I can't do it. I'm at a point where I don't think I doubt God, I doubt myself and my motivations. I don't trust my prayers, I don't know if I'm being honest anymore. I don't know who I am, where I am, or where I'm going. I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I don't know where to start anymore.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I don't know how else to put it. I appologize to anyone who has caught the brunt of my confusion lately, I'm sorry. I love you all and pray that I get out of this hole soon.
I've realized lately that I have made a lot of mistakes this summer so far, the worst of which has been focusing on myself and my wants instead of what God's plans are for me. I came home looking forward to making an impact in the church here. Rather, I have distanced myself from the Lord, lost my drive to do anything other than work and sleep, and complained about everything from the heat to having to spend time with certain family members. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to have quiet times and reflection; time to be in the presence of God and rest in Him, but I can't seem to do it. I sit down to do it and am distracted by the littlest things. I have become so numb that I can't even tell when I'm being sincere. Once in a while I am awe struck by something (today it was the rain) and can't help but praise Him, but the rest of the time I am completely lost.
He is so amazing that He reaches out to me when I need Him. I realize now that there have been so many things lately that have been pointing me to Christ, and encouraging me to run to Him. Just seeing the moon makes me want to cry out for Him. But when it is up to me to just sit down and read the Word, I can't do it. I'm at a point where I don't think I doubt God, I doubt myself and my motivations. I don't trust my prayers, I don't know if I'm being honest anymore. I don't know who I am, where I am, or where I'm going. I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. I don't know where to start anymore.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I don't know how else to put it. I appologize to anyone who has caught the brunt of my confusion lately, I'm sorry. I love you all and pray that I get out of this hole soon.