(no subject)
I know most of you won't want to hear me rant about all of this, but for some reason I feel like i just need to write it out, and why not here? If you don't want to read, then don't.
Why does this keep happening to me? It feels like when you're walking in the cold and your ears burn so badly that you wish they would just go numb. I've lost my sense of awe, my joy. My heart has grown cold, that I recite the words I always have, but they don't come from my heart. I can praise, but it isn't authentic. I want to rejoice and be glad, but it is all an act. I didn't even realize that I was like this until someone else made me realize it. I guess it's better to want to break down than to not feel at all. Had a good talk at BCM tonight about dispair and anguish. I started reading Job; he had a reason to anguish, I just feel like I've been deserted. I want to seek His face, I can't find it. Hopefully this current brokeness will, in the end, make my relationship with Christ that much stronger.
And I get so disheartened when I see my brothers and sisters rebeling against their religion because they don't see the freedom in it; they find it opressing. While I am currently in darkness, I know of my redemption and my freedom in it, and for people to think they know it all and repent from their goodness just to fullfil their wants causes me to dispair more. I know it says that we should take the narrow path and that few will find that path, but I still wish it for everyone. Even though I am currently feeling abandoned, I know that, in truth, I am not and will never be. I know what has been done for me, what I can rely on, and what I believe. I am now farther from the Father's face, but I still know that I will find it again, I am still closer to it than others.
I need to make more time for Him, so that I can learn to know and love Him more. I have been blessed with some great fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I want the same thing with my Father. It will take much devotion, and I need to fix my priorities, but it can be done. I will do it. If I fail out of school, so be it, that is not my goal in life. As Clive Staples Lewis said, "I was not born to be free, I was born to adore and to obey." Not to say that I should sit in shakles my whole life, but that I should hand over my freedom to pursue what I am told, and to adore my Lord.
So this is what I wrote, originally for an away message, and it's not that great, not even too good, but it's what I was thinking. So there:
This time is what I need.
To mend my aching heart
For me He chose to bleed
And loved me from the start
It's time I were devoted
I slack a bit too much
I should have been demoted
But He will not loose His clutch
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see
It's nothing I have done
But Him, the holy one
Why does this keep happening to me? It feels like when you're walking in the cold and your ears burn so badly that you wish they would just go numb. I've lost my sense of awe, my joy. My heart has grown cold, that I recite the words I always have, but they don't come from my heart. I can praise, but it isn't authentic. I want to rejoice and be glad, but it is all an act. I didn't even realize that I was like this until someone else made me realize it. I guess it's better to want to break down than to not feel at all. Had a good talk at BCM tonight about dispair and anguish. I started reading Job; he had a reason to anguish, I just feel like I've been deserted. I want to seek His face, I can't find it. Hopefully this current brokeness will, in the end, make my relationship with Christ that much stronger.
And I get so disheartened when I see my brothers and sisters rebeling against their religion because they don't see the freedom in it; they find it opressing. While I am currently in darkness, I know of my redemption and my freedom in it, and for people to think they know it all and repent from their goodness just to fullfil their wants causes me to dispair more. I know it says that we should take the narrow path and that few will find that path, but I still wish it for everyone. Even though I am currently feeling abandoned, I know that, in truth, I am not and will never be. I know what has been done for me, what I can rely on, and what I believe. I am now farther from the Father's face, but I still know that I will find it again, I am still closer to it than others.
I need to make more time for Him, so that I can learn to know and love Him more. I have been blessed with some great fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I want the same thing with my Father. It will take much devotion, and I need to fix my priorities, but it can be done. I will do it. If I fail out of school, so be it, that is not my goal in life. As Clive Staples Lewis said, "I was not born to be free, I was born to adore and to obey." Not to say that I should sit in shakles my whole life, but that I should hand over my freedom to pursue what I am told, and to adore my Lord.
So this is what I wrote, originally for an away message, and it's not that great, not even too good, but it's what I was thinking. So there:
This time is what I need.
To mend my aching heart
For me He chose to bleed
And loved me from the start
It's time I were devoted
I slack a bit too much
I should have been demoted
But He will not loose His clutch
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind but now I see
It's nothing I have done
But Him, the holy one