Do the Brakes Work on This Train?
So. Things to tell, things to say.
On top of the water heater last week, we got another problem that followed pretty much the weekend after. Our air conditioning has been lackluster for some time, barely spitting out anything resembling climate control. This was really not so much of a problem except for those rare nights when it got really goddamned awfully uncomfortable (like 87°-89° after 10PM, plus humidity). Even then, we tried to use some fans and such to make it at least tolerable. Anyway, things came to a head when we realized that the hamster would get heat stroke if it was hotter than 85.0° (which seems damned odd for a creature which is originally from Syria or something like that). Anyway, Mel was freaking out that she was gonna kill the hamster. So, we tried the air conditioner. After twelve hours, the house had only cooled by 2.0°. That was a problem.
So, we got John to recommend an air conditioning company, they came out and poked about a bit. No big surprise, our air conditioner is running on 14 years old with the kind of deterioration that you'd expect. There's a coolant leak on the interior unit. The coil either has to be chemically cleaned or replaced. There's some electrical bits that should be replaced. The exterior fan unit needed to be cleaned. A lot. As it was, we didn't have near enough cash to do it right, but we got enough tips to keep it ghetto-going for a while. The big problem was a huge amount of lint and crap in the coil, most of which I'm going to assume came off of Travis, the canine dust-bunny Hive-Queen. Anyway, we'll have to clean the fan regularly and change filters every paycheck, but we'll do the best to keep it running.
Erg. What else?
Well, Mel & I have apparently had our penultimate fight. We're both basically reaching our tolerance levels for each other. I think anything after this is going to be the end. Mel's tired of my emotional withholding and the derisive snipes she sees coming from me. She's tired of my attitude and negativity. She's disappointed that I never came to her rescue in the midst of her recent instability. She's angry that I let her do it & that it was a sign that I didn't really care about her. She's upset that she thinks I married her because it was the honorable thing to do. Mel's been hanging on to all of the bad things I've ever done and ignoring anything I've done right - while discounting those as self-serving or self-ingratiating. Maybe she's right, mostly she's not. I don't know. She's stressed to fuck with her job and our relationship and dogs and being sober.
I'm looking at all of this and wondering why it's me that's agreed to go to counselling. I mean, I know I am a pretty callous person, and angry, and not very well adjusted in regard to my attitude. I have a tendency to spew vitriol over every thing around me when I have a chance. I am rather immature in plenty of ways. I've got issues that I do need to address somehow & I really don't know how to. Okay, fine. I also want a professional opinion as to whether I'm actually emotionally withdrawn or if I really just don't give a fuck anymore. Divorcing Mel would fuck my life up more ways than I can count, but then again, I really don't know if we're just trapped in convenience. I worry about the SD, worry whether or not this is going to wreck her at a very crucial point in her life. I think she needs as much stability as we can manage. Sure, we might not be the best parents in the world, but at least we're stable in our habits and expectations. I worry about how she'd deal with it, how she'd relate to her mother in the aftermath. How Mel'd relate to her.
We still have the guest dog at the house. He's really causing me some serious fatigue. I'm still getting the 5:00AM wake up calls. I'm still not getting any more sleep. My health I think is doing worse. I felt utterly bloated this morning and it hasn't gone away. I don't ever feel like that except when I sleep crappy.
Work goes. That's all I'm saying. I'm behind in some stuff, I need to work it out. Whatever. I gots a pool party I'm attending with Mel for her work friends. It might be okay, but I'm not betting on it. We'll be lucky to stay an hour before Mel freaks out. Her bday, incidentally, is next week. We are broke. I'm probably going to have to say that I got her hot water, cold air, and a shrink'd boy. Hope she likes that, 'cause I ain't got much else to give her.
-12th.
On top of the water heater last week, we got another problem that followed pretty much the weekend after. Our air conditioning has been lackluster for some time, barely spitting out anything resembling climate control. This was really not so much of a problem except for those rare nights when it got really goddamned awfully uncomfortable (like 87°-89° after 10PM, plus humidity). Even then, we tried to use some fans and such to make it at least tolerable. Anyway, things came to a head when we realized that the hamster would get heat stroke if it was hotter than 85.0° (which seems damned odd for a creature which is originally from Syria or something like that). Anyway, Mel was freaking out that she was gonna kill the hamster. So, we tried the air conditioner. After twelve hours, the house had only cooled by 2.0°. That was a problem.
So, we got John to recommend an air conditioning company, they came out and poked about a bit. No big surprise, our air conditioner is running on 14 years old with the kind of deterioration that you'd expect. There's a coolant leak on the interior unit. The coil either has to be chemically cleaned or replaced. There's some electrical bits that should be replaced. The exterior fan unit needed to be cleaned. A lot. As it was, we didn't have near enough cash to do it right, but we got enough tips to keep it ghetto-going for a while. The big problem was a huge amount of lint and crap in the coil, most of which I'm going to assume came off of Travis, the canine dust-bunny Hive-Queen. Anyway, we'll have to clean the fan regularly and change filters every paycheck, but we'll do the best to keep it running.
Erg. What else?
Well, Mel & I have apparently had our penultimate fight. We're both basically reaching our tolerance levels for each other. I think anything after this is going to be the end. Mel's tired of my emotional withholding and the derisive snipes she sees coming from me. She's tired of my attitude and negativity. She's disappointed that I never came to her rescue in the midst of her recent instability. She's angry that I let her do it & that it was a sign that I didn't really care about her. She's upset that she thinks I married her because it was the honorable thing to do. Mel's been hanging on to all of the bad things I've ever done and ignoring anything I've done right - while discounting those as self-serving or self-ingratiating. Maybe she's right, mostly she's not. I don't know. She's stressed to fuck with her job and our relationship and dogs and being sober.
I'm looking at all of this and wondering why it's me that's agreed to go to counselling. I mean, I know I am a pretty callous person, and angry, and not very well adjusted in regard to my attitude. I have a tendency to spew vitriol over every thing around me when I have a chance. I am rather immature in plenty of ways. I've got issues that I do need to address somehow & I really don't know how to. Okay, fine. I also want a professional opinion as to whether I'm actually emotionally withdrawn or if I really just don't give a fuck anymore. Divorcing Mel would fuck my life up more ways than I can count, but then again, I really don't know if we're just trapped in convenience. I worry about the SD, worry whether or not this is going to wreck her at a very crucial point in her life. I think she needs as much stability as we can manage. Sure, we might not be the best parents in the world, but at least we're stable in our habits and expectations. I worry about how she'd deal with it, how she'd relate to her mother in the aftermath. How Mel'd relate to her.
We still have the guest dog at the house. He's really causing me some serious fatigue. I'm still getting the 5:00AM wake up calls. I'm still not getting any more sleep. My health I think is doing worse. I felt utterly bloated this morning and it hasn't gone away. I don't ever feel like that except when I sleep crappy.
Work goes. That's all I'm saying. I'm behind in some stuff, I need to work it out. Whatever. I gots a pool party I'm attending with Mel for her work friends. It might be okay, but I'm not betting on it. We'll be lucky to stay an hour before Mel freaks out. Her bday, incidentally, is next week. We are broke. I'm probably going to have to say that I got her hot water, cold air, and a shrink'd boy. Hope she likes that, 'cause I ain't got much else to give her.
-12th.