(no subject)
i am sick and tired of this damn yo-yo effect he puts me through.
and my guess is, he has no clue
i'm trying so hard to stop crying right now.
and yet 10 minutes ago i was convincing myself that breaking up will be easy. because it's what i need to do.
i cant tell if he's trying to get me to break-up so he doesn't have to
or if he just doesn't have a fucking clue.
i miss feeling cared for.
and i hate that someone i haven't talked to in forever, and someone that i KNOW i heart badly before, and used, and treated like shit and was simply a rebound... it's really sad that he wants to have lunch with me and catch up on things, when my own boyfriend doesn't seem to care at all.
i just wish there was a way to know how he truly feels.
if i knew for a fact that he doesn't care about me like that anymore, it would be a hell of a lot easier.
and if i knew that he did in fact care for me as much as i do him, i could find a way to deal with all this.
but not knowing is the worst.
and yet as i said earlier, if he shared his feelings for me all the time, he would probably just end up in that other group of guys i date, that i dont fall so hard for.
i just need some indication. before there were little things, small and minuscule, but i could tell there was some sort of emotion.
but now there's nothing. the small things are gone and nothing has replaced them but my desire for affection.
he has killed my confidence.
i fell stupid and slow.
i feel ugly and unattractive.
i feel taken for granted.
i feel like a pain in the ass girlfriend.
and the worst part is, these are all things i've tried so hard to avoid.
i finally became comfortable with my intelligence. i may not be the smartest, but im sure as hell up there when i try.
i finally started to feel as though i'm pretty, and attractive. and with that became more comfortable flirting. which built up LOTS of self-esteem.
and i have always striven to not be the nagging, paranoid gf. the one that will let her boy have fun on his own, and simply know that he cares.
and yet now i'm left here sitting on my computer playing wow bc it was a way to spend time with him. he always played, so i figured i would so we could have something to talk about. so im stuck at home, playing wow, talking to guys online more than him, wondering when i'll next get to talk to him, or heaven forbid see him. not hanging out with anyone else bc im hoping to spend time with him instead. trying to convince myself im over him, and coming up with new things to do to get over him, like not tell him every little story i have, and not IM him first, or text him, or long to be with him.. and yet i still find myself searching for him name to appear on my list so i can send that first message to get him to talk.
and then comes the problem of me wondering just how much of this is my medication, or lack there of over the past week... and how much is my hormones.. or depression... and how much of this is really how i feel.
am i really that big of a pain in the ass though that guys tend to treat me like this? or is it just that those are the guys i fall for? wtf is wrong with me
and my guess is, he has no clue
i'm trying so hard to stop crying right now.
and yet 10 minutes ago i was convincing myself that breaking up will be easy. because it's what i need to do.
i cant tell if he's trying to get me to break-up so he doesn't have to
or if he just doesn't have a fucking clue.
i miss feeling cared for.
and i hate that someone i haven't talked to in forever, and someone that i KNOW i heart badly before, and used, and treated like shit and was simply a rebound... it's really sad that he wants to have lunch with me and catch up on things, when my own boyfriend doesn't seem to care at all.
i just wish there was a way to know how he truly feels.
if i knew for a fact that he doesn't care about me like that anymore, it would be a hell of a lot easier.
and if i knew that he did in fact care for me as much as i do him, i could find a way to deal with all this.
but not knowing is the worst.
and yet as i said earlier, if he shared his feelings for me all the time, he would probably just end up in that other group of guys i date, that i dont fall so hard for.
i just need some indication. before there were little things, small and minuscule, but i could tell there was some sort of emotion.
but now there's nothing. the small things are gone and nothing has replaced them but my desire for affection.
he has killed my confidence.
i fell stupid and slow.
i feel ugly and unattractive.
i feel taken for granted.
i feel like a pain in the ass girlfriend.
and the worst part is, these are all things i've tried so hard to avoid.
i finally became comfortable with my intelligence. i may not be the smartest, but im sure as hell up there when i try.
i finally started to feel as though i'm pretty, and attractive. and with that became more comfortable flirting. which built up LOTS of self-esteem.
and i have always striven to not be the nagging, paranoid gf. the one that will let her boy have fun on his own, and simply know that he cares.
and yet now i'm left here sitting on my computer playing wow bc it was a way to spend time with him. he always played, so i figured i would so we could have something to talk about. so im stuck at home, playing wow, talking to guys online more than him, wondering when i'll next get to talk to him, or heaven forbid see him. not hanging out with anyone else bc im hoping to spend time with him instead. trying to convince myself im over him, and coming up with new things to do to get over him, like not tell him every little story i have, and not IM him first, or text him, or long to be with him.. and yet i still find myself searching for him name to appear on my list so i can send that first message to get him to talk.
and then comes the problem of me wondering just how much of this is my medication, or lack there of over the past week... and how much is my hormones.. or depression... and how much of this is really how i feel.
am i really that big of a pain in the ass though that guys tend to treat me like this? or is it just that those are the guys i fall for? wtf is wrong with me