And once I knew I was not magnificent
I've been trying not to dwell in regret but it's really very hard for me. I tend to dwell in regret over the things I've done - and I've done some terribly stupid things. Trust me, I've done some terribly stupid things. I hope I've grown from them; learned something. But I feel like my same old self. I read a lot but I'm quite illiterate.
I'm socially clueless - an awkward mess if you want to know the truth. I feel very disconnected from even those I love the most in the world. I feel like they could go on without me and it wouldn't cause a ripple in their world. That's not true, the rational side of me knows that. But I ignore my rational side quite often. I really do. What happens is, I ignore my rational side and I sink into thoughts of regret.
I know I'm sick and that it's all chemistry in the end. I do want to be healthy, and I am trying to be proactive toward that end; taking responsibility for my own happiness and all that shit. They say if you fake being happy for long enough, eventually you can convince yourself that you are happy.
I don't think I know anyone who is authentically happy though; maybe some small children, but only because they don't know any better. Ignorance is bliss? I'm also depressed as all hell thinking about saying goodbye to the people I love (we all have to say goodbye to the people we love) - that's what being human is.
We haven't completed the cycle of life until we've said goodbye. We aren't really human until we are just not there; not there in the world anymore. We avoid saying goodbye until we really have to. People are always avoiding saying goodbye one day. I hate dwelling on such depressing thoughts, I really do. I hope it doesn't depress all hell out of anyone reading this.
I'm socially clueless - an awkward mess if you want to know the truth. I feel very disconnected from even those I love the most in the world. I feel like they could go on without me and it wouldn't cause a ripple in their world. That's not true, the rational side of me knows that. But I ignore my rational side quite often. I really do. What happens is, I ignore my rational side and I sink into thoughts of regret.
I know I'm sick and that it's all chemistry in the end. I do want to be healthy, and I am trying to be proactive toward that end; taking responsibility for my own happiness and all that shit. They say if you fake being happy for long enough, eventually you can convince yourself that you are happy.
I don't think I know anyone who is authentically happy though; maybe some small children, but only because they don't know any better. Ignorance is bliss? I'm also depressed as all hell thinking about saying goodbye to the people I love (we all have to say goodbye to the people we love) - that's what being human is.
We haven't completed the cycle of life until we've said goodbye. We aren't really human until we are just not there; not there in the world anymore. We avoid saying goodbye until we really have to. People are always avoiding saying goodbye one day. I hate dwelling on such depressing thoughts, I really do. I hope it doesn't depress all hell out of anyone reading this.