THIS IS FOR SARAH
i didnt want u to get bored on the plane. lol. wel anyways, im so exited about summerstock!!! i cant wait, its gonna b a blast! o and that greg guy, dont talk to him....EVER! hes a jerk and i unno y u still even talk to him. if i ever saw him i would kick him!lol. well have fun on ur trip! i love u like sam loves his ego! lol. (i love that guy tho)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of TIKKUN) has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?
There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure("boneh").
Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of four blessings:
1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent;
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line when her gossipy neighbour poked her head over the fence.
"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a rumour that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"
"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars - but when they catch one, can they drive it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
~ Joan Rivers ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Barbies
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her ageing gracefully.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guy at the Whorehouse
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yo momma's so stupid
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo momma's so stupid; she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
Yo momma's so stupid; she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the 44 bus; she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma's so stupid; she ordered her sushi well done.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
Yo momma's so stupid; she bought a solar powered flashlight.
Yo momma's so stupid; she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid; she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign; she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo momma's so stupid; she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got fired from a blow-job.
Yo momma's so stupid; she asked you what the number for 911 was.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dog’s holiday album.
Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo momma's so stupid; I saw her standing on an empty bus.
Yo momma's so stupid; her brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells die alone.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo momma's so stupid; she asked you what is the number for 911.
Yo momma's so stupid; she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma's so stupid; she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma's so stupid; she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed!
Yo momma's so stupid; she called the cocaine hot line to order some.
Yo momma's so stupid; she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo momma's so stupid; she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid; she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo momma's so stupid, she gets lost in thought.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in Food Mart and half starved.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got stabbed in a shootout.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Yo momma's so stupid; she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid; she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma's so stupid; she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed.
Yo momma's so stupid; she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma's so stupid; she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trains.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a hot meal is stolen food.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a quarterback was a refund!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a quarterback was change.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought manual labor was a Mexican!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought menopause was a button on the stereo.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought socialism means partying!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought softball was a venereal disease!
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a job cutting grass offshore.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took a spoon to the super bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma's so stupid; she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid; she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went swimming to a car pool.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the pages of TIKKUN) has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?
There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure("boneh").
Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of four blessings:
1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim - straightens those who are bent;
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - raises the dead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs Finkel was in her garden, hanging up her washing on the line when her gossipy neighbour poked her head over the fence.
"I hate to tell you this, Rachel," said the gossip, "but there's a rumour that your husband, Abe, is chasing the shiksas. And at his age too!" she clucked like a chicken. "He's seventy-five, no?"
"Nu, so he's seventy-five," replied Mrs Finkel. "So let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars - but when they catch one, can they drive it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If G-d had intended Jewish women to exercise, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
~ Joan Rivers ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Barbies
Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her ageing gracefully.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with tummy support panels are included!
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, and then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Fred (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do"
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken, Jr, in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
11. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
12. Post Menopausal Barbie. Poor Babs wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, she comes with the book, "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guy at the Whorehouse
This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."
The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"
A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."
So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"
The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yo momma's so stupid
Yo momma's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo momma's so stupid; she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
Yo momma's so stupid; she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she missed the 44 bus; she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma's so stupid; she ordered her sushi well done.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
Yo momma's so stupid; she bought a solar powered flashlight.
Yo momma's so stupid; she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she couldn't read.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid; she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign; she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo momma's so stupid; she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all accidents occur around the home, she moved.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got fired from a blow-job.
Yo momma's so stupid; she asked you what the number for 911 was.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Doggy Dog’s holiday album.
Yo momma's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo momma's so stupid; I saw her standing on an empty bus.
Yo momma's so stupid; her brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Yo momma's so stupid, her brain cells die alone.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo momma's so stupid, it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.
Yo momma's so stupid, she asked for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo momma's so stupid; she asked you what is the number for 911.
Yo momma's so stupid; she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma's so stupid; she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma's so stupid; she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed!
Yo momma's so stupid; she called the cocaine hot line to order some.
Yo momma's so stupid; she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo momma's so stupid; she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid; she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo momma's so stupid, she gets lost in thought.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got locked in Food Mart and half starved.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got stabbed in a shootout.
Yo momma's so stupid; she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Yo momma's so stupid; she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid; she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma's so stupid; she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed.
Yo momma's so stupid; she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
Yo momma's so stupid; she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma's so stupid; she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma's so stupid, she stole free bread.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trains.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a hot meal is stolen food.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a quarterback was a refund!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought a quarterback was change.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought manual labor was a Mexican!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought menopause was a button on the stereo.
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train.
Yo momma's so stupid, she thought socialism means partying!
Yo momma's so stupid; she thought softball was a venereal disease!
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a job cutting grass offshore.
Yo momma's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took a spoon to the super bowl.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma's so stupid; she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.
Yo momma's so stupid; she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma's so stupid; she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo momma's so stupid; she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went swimming to a car pool.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo momma's so stupid; she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~