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heyoo my loves. sorry it took me so long to update. (2 days . big deal) . about my last entry. im fine now if ne one cares. =) i was just feeling really depressed. ya kno how it is. ne who. back to school today. dullsville. lol . i loved the weekend. it was long and me and stefan didnt fight not ONE time. i really love him. but our relationship confuses me sometimes. im so worried on doing the right thing for him. i just dont think im good enough. seems ive been having alot of problems with that one latey. oh well. schools almost out. YaYa !! =) finally ... summer. i cant wait. the only shitty part is i hafta get a job. cuz my grama says im too expensive, and its getting hard to afford me. shes totally lost her mind. lol =) schools ok. i guess. me and brett are having some problems. whats new. we seem to be having alot of them lately. he barely said one word to me all day. but im not totally blaming that on him. i could have talked to him. but to be honest. i didnt really want to. i just didnt want to argue with him. i get soo upset when we argue. i dunno its different with brett. i care what he thinks about me . and i dont like him being mad at me or me being mad at him. i hate it. i kno this sounds wiered. i just care about him so much and i dont wanna fight. i love brett with all my heart. but sometimes he just annoys the hell outta me and i cant say ne thing b/c if i do he'll get all defensive and then we'll argue. so it just builds up and up and then i explode at little shit. i dunno. today in theology , we were playing some gay ass game daddie eric made us play. and everytime me and brett are on opposite teams, we put the other one down "you suck, im gonna beat you" that kinda shit. but its all in good fun. were both just kidding. but today i said something along those lines, and he was like "fuck you" . it really hurt my feelings. alot. cuz i could tell he meant it. it hurt me for him to say that to me. and i dont wanna tell him that it hurt my feelings b/c i have this thing about looking weak. i kno im wiered. lol. i gots to be tough. dont let em see you cry. that kinda shit. but it really just hurt so bad. i dont mean to sound melodramaitc about this. no its not the end of the world. but it was just mean. now if he was playing that would be one thing. i would hit him and pout for a bit then we'd hug and make up and that would be the end of it. but i could tell he meant it. i want things to go back to how they were. it kinda makes me upset that him and ashley are getting all buddie buddie now. i just thought he hated her. im not going to put ne thing he said on here . b/c im not like that. i just thought he didnt like her. and now hes being all best friends with her. im exaggerating i kno. but it just makes me sad to see him with her and we're not talking. i feel jelous and i dont know why. oh well. i just hope we can make up. cuz im willing to forgive him. im just gonna tell him not to say that ne more. it was just like a slap in the face. ne ways. so thats whats going on in my lovely life. OH! were going to albany in june !!! yee haww !!! i cant wait. im gonna saty with felisha. i miss her so bad. my eatings a little better. im not snacking so much. ive resricted myself to 3 meals a day.. thats it. and if i get hungry in between TOO BAD !! . lol. i eXercised soo much last nite. i almost made myself sick. i went to take a shower and i felt so shaky. i had to sit down in the tub and put my head on my knees. i felt like i was gonna pass out. it was wiered. it was like a flashback of when i had an e/d. cuz that happened all the time. but ya kno the wiered thing. i liked that feeling. i missed it for a second. i miss feeling weak, shaky, fagile, light, weightless, light headed, close to passing out. i miss it. isnt that wiered. lol. welp. im gonna go smoke a ciggie !!! yesss. finally i need one. damn cravings !! =) take care ya'll .
<33 Kier