September 2023
9/30
I handwrote the letter to my Mom from 9/17-22 and mailed it off along with the most recent family picture (from winter 2020).
9/24
No problem, glad you enjoyed it. In Circles sounds nice. I could tell a difference with the FX changes. Looking forward to hearing what you do with About an Angel.
That other song is one of my favorites, simple but a lot of great lines, certainly things I've needed to hear over the past decade+. I made the effort last fall to memorize all the lyrics, because it's easy to play and easy on the vocal chords, so I like it as a warm up or cool down and as such a means to remind myself of the song's teachings."It's not really giving in if you were never going to win""You don't deserve any more than what you've earned""You're holding on to something that's just a wish at best...that should be put to rest"
---
Emailed above in response to Stu.
9/23
Really enjoyed our talk on Monday, as always. Btw, I got stiffed on my jury duty; I found out the evening before that I had been "randomly" excused.
I finally recorded The Prophet, hope it helps. Not a great performance, especially since Grace decided to sit down with some vegan mac & cheese in the same room while I was recording it LOL. Let me know if you need a different angle on it. My guitar is still tuned down a whole step, so I capoed on the 2nd fret.
https://youtu.be/roG5wPjYEEI?si=FoBKjO12HXvhcPOF
I got the books yesterday from Mises and also got a free copy of Social Democracy. I've already read through it, and in looking at Anatomy of the State, it may actually be longer.... Anyway, I find it affirms for me some of the ideas I've already had, namely we already live in a socialist society, we're just lower on the spectrum than European countries etc. I also enjoyed how it explores the natural consequences of redistributing wealth (i.e. without consent of the wealth producers). I also find interesting that it is named Social Democracy, because within the body of the book he calls it social-democratic socialism, and in the heading for each page it's Democratic Socialism, both I consider more accurate descriptions. Calling it Social Democracy is perhaps a way to lure people in without realizing what they're about to read, maybe? Otherwise it seems a bizarre choice. Looking forward to getting into the other books.
One thing I meant to suggest in our last talk but forgot was that some of Nelson Nash's tenets toward finance also apply to diet, specifically "If you know what's going on you'll know what to do", and especially creating a tailwind. Eating a WFPB helps push you towards whatever you want to accomplish healthwise (e.g. increase fitness, lower BP or cholesterol), and people who think they can out-exercise their bad health without cleaning up their diet are running against a headwind.
---
Emailed above in response to Stu.
9/17-22
Mom,
I understand you are not in the best of health, but I hope you are doing well given the circumstances, and Joe as well. I am writing you to let you know that I would like to reconnect with you. I can't guarantee what such a relationship might look like, or how much I would be able to give to it, or that you would even find it of benefit to yourself, but I am willing to try if you are. We could phone call or video chat or exchange emails. I would prefer not to talk in messages except just to coordinate calls/chats or exchange quick bits of information or pictures.
A few things you should probably know beforehand:
You have two more grandchildren, Krystina Lynn and Christian Michael. They moved in with us in January 2017 through the foster system--Krystina was 2-years-old and Christian was only 11-months-old at the time--and we officially adopted them in January 2018. They have the same biological mother but different fathers. Their great grandparents, grandmother, and uncle (all on their mother side) are still active in their lives and visit them regularly.
As for my reasons for distancing myself from you starting over ten years ago, I don't know how well I explained it in my letter then, or how much it's worth going into now, but to put it simply I felt that our relationship had become toxic and was no longer the safe place I remembered or would think a relationship with a parent should be for a child, that I was not in a state myself to endure it, and that I was of the opinion that maintaining the relationship would only serve to enable the behavior I was experiencing from you, that by distancing myself I might encourage you down a better path. I don't claim that I made the right choice; I can only claim that I made the best choice I could with my limited information and knowledge; and, if it was a mistake, I hope that it was not absolute and some good has come from it somehow.
We have been receiving your letters and cards. I read them first to make sure there is nothing of a temperament similar to what I experienced from you during our last correspondences before I leave them out for a duration for them to find, but thus far they have shown no interest in reading them. They know of you, and I have been honest with them about why we have not been in contact. If we do reconnect, I can't say what a relationship with them for you would look like or how often, if ever, we would visit. I do appreciate your continued attempts in staying in touch with them.
And, finally, I want to thank you for everything you did for me growing up, in making sure I was taken care of and provided for, even when you didn't know what I needed (who could have?), and for being the only consistent loving presence in my youth. I realize now how hard it must have been for you and the fact that you pulled it off, given all the challenges you faced, is amazing.
If you want to reconnect, feel free to FB message or text me to schedule a call/chat, or we can exchange emails. If I don't hear from you, I will understand and wish you peace and joy throughout your remaining years.
Jason
9/16
Mom,
I hope this letter finds you and Joe in good health, although I understand that may not be the case. I'm reaching out to let you know that I am open, if you feel the same, to rebuilding a relationship with you. It can be a fresh start, or we can discuss past events, if you would consider it of benefit to you; to that end I will send a separate sealed letter.
I don't know if it would be helpful for you to go over why I made the decision over ten years ago to cut off contact with you, but if so I will attempt to do that now. In the letter I sent you then, I attempted to explain it, but I don't know to what extent of clarity, as I failed to keep a copy for myself.
Leading up to that time, I considered you to be in a state of general discontent, but that instead of making any changes with yourself that might help in shaking you free the rut you were in, I felt like you would target that emotion toward others in your life, to the point that they would distance themselves from you, and I predicted that a day might come where you ran out of people to aim your frustration at and would turn it onto me. But even as I anticipated it, when it happened I realized I wasn't prepared for it. I have trouble imagining any child could be prepared to accept such behavior from a parent, no matter what the child's age or level of maturity. I felt shamed for not visiting you enough, for not calling you enough, for not giving you enough of my time. I considered myself in a position where it wasn't really a choice at all: if I had maintained a relationship with you, I would have continued to sustain the verbal assault I was experiencing from you, and in doing so enable you to continue behaving in this way--which I understand now was your way of coping with the discontent you were experiencing--instead of resolving to take action with your own life. And even if the correct decision was to stand by and "take it", I was not at a point in my life where I could cope with it. Perhaps too I needed to know that it was even capable of.
I wanted to be clear that this was a decision I came to on my own. Beth questioned me on it but came to accept it after I explained it to her and after we experienced your initial reaction.
I recall at the time thinking that I would withhold contact from you until I received some sign that your had changed in a way that would make a relationship with you a positive one. I was hoping to lean on Pam for that intel since at the time we were regularly talking, but not so much now. And so that has put me into a bit of a catch-22. I also recall thinking that 10 years sounded like a good number to give it another chance.
I don't mean to imply that this was your fault, or that I was even accurate in my perceptions, and I would certainly be open to having them corrected. Whereas my perceptions and understanding may be limited, they were at the time, and still are, all I have to rely on to make decisions for myself and those that depend on me to make decisions for them.
I understood that by cutting off contact I would also be severing any contact you had with your grandchildren. But even if were somehow possible for you to have contact with them without me, I would not have been able to trust your behavior with them anymore than I could with me. You might respond that you could never treat them like that, but if you can treat your own child like that, why wouldn't you, especially as they got older and you expected things from them as you expected from me?
You're probably wondering if Grace and Boone have been getting your letters/cards. Yes and no. As we received them, I would open and read them first just to make sure there was nothing I considered inappropriate (thank you for that never being the case), and then I would leave them out in case they were interested in reading them, but so far they haven't shown interest.
If we do reconnect, I can't guarantee you will have much of a relationship with them, or if and when we'd ever visit. Grace and Boone are a lot like me in that they aren't much for conversation. You might have better luck with Krystina and Christian, as they are big talkers. The only reason Grace and Boone have close relationships with Beth's parents is that her parents live close by and are heavily involved in their lives, be it babysitting, driving them places, having them over. I'm of the opinion that that is the only way relationships can be built, through shared experiences. Letters, phone calls are just ways to mitigate the dissolution of the connection once established, but perhaps the connection never ceases so long as communication is made, no matter the duration of time between pings.
Some catching up:
We're still in the same house we moved in in 2012. Gardening became a serious hobby of mine about six years ago, and the yard reflects that, for better or worse.
In 2013 Beth and I decided that our house was too big for our family and that expansion was in order, but our attempts of doing it ourselves were half-hearted, and after a year or so we realized that adoption was our calling. In 2015 I worked it out with my employer (still my employer to this day) to go part time. We kept Boone at home his last year before Kindergarten and I worked with him to get him ready, though in hindsight he didn't need much help. We also started taking foster classes, as foster certification is required to adopt through DSS here. During that process we learned of the traumas children experienced it and how siblings often had to be separated, and we felt further called to open our house to a sibling pair. Long story short, Krystina and Christian moved in in January 2017, and we officially adopted them a year later. So, you have four grandchildren now.
Grace has taken piano for about 7 years, and starting in 5th grade fell in love with theater, especially the musical side, and has been in many performances in school and at a local nonprofit theater. She is an excellent singer and has taken vocal coaching for the last couple years. She has an innate enthusiasm for performing that has been a joy to witness.
Boone is a lot like me in my youth in that he's not interested in athletics but rather tends to enjoy staying at home and exploring his imagination. He's been taking a pottery class for a couple years now and goes through phases when it comes to other creative outlets. These days he's been doing animation and making some short videos. He even started his own YT channel to share them.
I handwrote the letter to my Mom from 9/17-22 and mailed it off along with the most recent family picture (from winter 2020).
9/24
No problem, glad you enjoyed it. In Circles sounds nice. I could tell a difference with the FX changes. Looking forward to hearing what you do with About an Angel.
That other song is one of my favorites, simple but a lot of great lines, certainly things I've needed to hear over the past decade+. I made the effort last fall to memorize all the lyrics, because it's easy to play and easy on the vocal chords, so I like it as a warm up or cool down and as such a means to remind myself of the song's teachings."It's not really giving in if you were never going to win""You don't deserve any more than what you've earned""You're holding on to something that's just a wish at best...that should be put to rest"
---
Emailed above in response to Stu.
9/23
Really enjoyed our talk on Monday, as always. Btw, I got stiffed on my jury duty; I found out the evening before that I had been "randomly" excused.
I finally recorded The Prophet, hope it helps. Not a great performance, especially since Grace decided to sit down with some vegan mac & cheese in the same room while I was recording it LOL. Let me know if you need a different angle on it. My guitar is still tuned down a whole step, so I capoed on the 2nd fret.
https://youtu.be/roG5wPjYEEI?si=FoBKjO12HXvhcPOF
I got the books yesterday from Mises and also got a free copy of Social Democracy. I've already read through it, and in looking at Anatomy of the State, it may actually be longer.... Anyway, I find it affirms for me some of the ideas I've already had, namely we already live in a socialist society, we're just lower on the spectrum than European countries etc. I also enjoyed how it explores the natural consequences of redistributing wealth (i.e. without consent of the wealth producers). I also find interesting that it is named Social Democracy, because within the body of the book he calls it social-democratic socialism, and in the heading for each page it's Democratic Socialism, both I consider more accurate descriptions. Calling it Social Democracy is perhaps a way to lure people in without realizing what they're about to read, maybe? Otherwise it seems a bizarre choice. Looking forward to getting into the other books.
One thing I meant to suggest in our last talk but forgot was that some of Nelson Nash's tenets toward finance also apply to diet, specifically "If you know what's going on you'll know what to do", and especially creating a tailwind. Eating a WFPB helps push you towards whatever you want to accomplish healthwise (e.g. increase fitness, lower BP or cholesterol), and people who think they can out-exercise their bad health without cleaning up their diet are running against a headwind.
---
Emailed above in response to Stu.
9/17-22
Mom,
I understand you are not in the best of health, but I hope you are doing well given the circumstances, and Joe as well. I am writing you to let you know that I would like to reconnect with you. I can't guarantee what such a relationship might look like, or how much I would be able to give to it, or that you would even find it of benefit to yourself, but I am willing to try if you are. We could phone call or video chat or exchange emails. I would prefer not to talk in messages except just to coordinate calls/chats or exchange quick bits of information or pictures.
A few things you should probably know beforehand:
You have two more grandchildren, Krystina Lynn and Christian Michael. They moved in with us in January 2017 through the foster system--Krystina was 2-years-old and Christian was only 11-months-old at the time--and we officially adopted them in January 2018. They have the same biological mother but different fathers. Their great grandparents, grandmother, and uncle (all on their mother side) are still active in their lives and visit them regularly.
As for my reasons for distancing myself from you starting over ten years ago, I don't know how well I explained it in my letter then, or how much it's worth going into now, but to put it simply I felt that our relationship had become toxic and was no longer the safe place I remembered or would think a relationship with a parent should be for a child, that I was not in a state myself to endure it, and that I was of the opinion that maintaining the relationship would only serve to enable the behavior I was experiencing from you, that by distancing myself I might encourage you down a better path. I don't claim that I made the right choice; I can only claim that I made the best choice I could with my limited information and knowledge; and, if it was a mistake, I hope that it was not absolute and some good has come from it somehow.
We have been receiving your letters and cards. I read them first to make sure there is nothing of a temperament similar to what I experienced from you during our last correspondences before I leave them out for a duration for them to find, but thus far they have shown no interest in reading them. They know of you, and I have been honest with them about why we have not been in contact. If we do reconnect, I can't say what a relationship with them for you would look like or how often, if ever, we would visit. I do appreciate your continued attempts in staying in touch with them.
And, finally, I want to thank you for everything you did for me growing up, in making sure I was taken care of and provided for, even when you didn't know what I needed (who could have?), and for being the only consistent loving presence in my youth. I realize now how hard it must have been for you and the fact that you pulled it off, given all the challenges you faced, is amazing.
If you want to reconnect, feel free to FB message or text me to schedule a call/chat, or we can exchange emails. If I don't hear from you, I will understand and wish you peace and joy throughout your remaining years.
Jason
9/16
Mom,
I hope this letter finds you and Joe in good health, although I understand that may not be the case. I'm reaching out to let you know that I am open, if you feel the same, to rebuilding a relationship with you. It can be a fresh start, or we can discuss past events, if you would consider it of benefit to you; to that end I will send a separate sealed letter.
I don't know if it would be helpful for you to go over why I made the decision over ten years ago to cut off contact with you, but if so I will attempt to do that now. In the letter I sent you then, I attempted to explain it, but I don't know to what extent of clarity, as I failed to keep a copy for myself.
Leading up to that time, I considered you to be in a state of general discontent, but that instead of making any changes with yourself that might help in shaking you free the rut you were in, I felt like you would target that emotion toward others in your life, to the point that they would distance themselves from you, and I predicted that a day might come where you ran out of people to aim your frustration at and would turn it onto me. But even as I anticipated it, when it happened I realized I wasn't prepared for it. I have trouble imagining any child could be prepared to accept such behavior from a parent, no matter what the child's age or level of maturity. I felt shamed for not visiting you enough, for not calling you enough, for not giving you enough of my time. I considered myself in a position where it wasn't really a choice at all: if I had maintained a relationship with you, I would have continued to sustain the verbal assault I was experiencing from you, and in doing so enable you to continue behaving in this way--which I understand now was your way of coping with the discontent you were experiencing--instead of resolving to take action with your own life. And even if the correct decision was to stand by and "take it", I was not at a point in my life where I could cope with it. Perhaps too I needed to know that it was even capable of.
I wanted to be clear that this was a decision I came to on my own. Beth questioned me on it but came to accept it after I explained it to her and after we experienced your initial reaction.
I recall at the time thinking that I would withhold contact from you until I received some sign that your had changed in a way that would make a relationship with you a positive one. I was hoping to lean on Pam for that intel since at the time we were regularly talking, but not so much now. And so that has put me into a bit of a catch-22. I also recall thinking that 10 years sounded like a good number to give it another chance.
I don't mean to imply that this was your fault, or that I was even accurate in my perceptions, and I would certainly be open to having them corrected. Whereas my perceptions and understanding may be limited, they were at the time, and still are, all I have to rely on to make decisions for myself and those that depend on me to make decisions for them.
I understood that by cutting off contact I would also be severing any contact you had with your grandchildren. But even if were somehow possible for you to have contact with them without me, I would not have been able to trust your behavior with them anymore than I could with me. You might respond that you could never treat them like that, but if you can treat your own child like that, why wouldn't you, especially as they got older and you expected things from them as you expected from me?
You're probably wondering if Grace and Boone have been getting your letters/cards. Yes and no. As we received them, I would open and read them first just to make sure there was nothing I considered inappropriate (thank you for that never being the case), and then I would leave them out in case they were interested in reading them, but so far they haven't shown interest.
If we do reconnect, I can't guarantee you will have much of a relationship with them, or if and when we'd ever visit. Grace and Boone are a lot like me in that they aren't much for conversation. You might have better luck with Krystina and Christian, as they are big talkers. The only reason Grace and Boone have close relationships with Beth's parents is that her parents live close by and are heavily involved in their lives, be it babysitting, driving them places, having them over. I'm of the opinion that that is the only way relationships can be built, through shared experiences. Letters, phone calls are just ways to mitigate the dissolution of the connection once established, but perhaps the connection never ceases so long as communication is made, no matter the duration of time between pings.
Some catching up:
We're still in the same house we moved in in 2012. Gardening became a serious hobby of mine about six years ago, and the yard reflects that, for better or worse.
In 2013 Beth and I decided that our house was too big for our family and that expansion was in order, but our attempts of doing it ourselves were half-hearted, and after a year or so we realized that adoption was our calling. In 2015 I worked it out with my employer (still my employer to this day) to go part time. We kept Boone at home his last year before Kindergarten and I worked with him to get him ready, though in hindsight he didn't need much help. We also started taking foster classes, as foster certification is required to adopt through DSS here. During that process we learned of the traumas children experienced it and how siblings often had to be separated, and we felt further called to open our house to a sibling pair. Long story short, Krystina and Christian moved in in January 2017, and we officially adopted them a year later. So, you have four grandchildren now.
Grace has taken piano for about 7 years, and starting in 5th grade fell in love with theater, especially the musical side, and has been in many performances in school and at a local nonprofit theater. She is an excellent singer and has taken vocal coaching for the last couple years. She has an innate enthusiasm for performing that has been a joy to witness.
Boone is a lot like me in my youth in that he's not interested in athletics but rather tends to enjoy staying at home and exploring his imagination. He's been taking a pottery class for a couple years now and goes through phases when it comes to other creative outlets. These days he's been doing animation and making some short videos. He even started his own YT channel to share them.